If I’m ever elected King of San Jose and decide to invade neighboring Campbell and Los Gatos by foot and bicycle, I know the exact route to take. The Los Gatos Creek Trail runs from Willow Glen in San Jose to Lexington Reservoir in Los Gatos.
From a tactical perspective, the trail has a lot going for it. For one thing, it is paved into a miniature street, even down to having striped lines separating opposing lanes. There are practically no stops to slow you down. When the trail meets a large street, such as Bascom Avenue, the trail passes under the street and up the other side.
There are softly arching trees, a creek on one side, and several small lakes on the other, as well as a reservoir at the far end. This not only gives lovely shade and beautiful views, for an invading force it provides plenty of cover, sources of fresh water, and an abundance of fish and waterfowl. One can hardly wait to become king.
But there is a reason San Jose hasn’t invaded its neighbors to the south, particularly by bicycle, the most technologically advanced mobile force allowed on the trail. Anyone bicycling would meet stiff resistance from opposing groups of what are known as “dipwads” among military strategists.
These human roadblocks are deployed on weekends, when traffic is heaviest, and they use several key strategies. Here is what I encountered on a recent ride:
Middle-Earthers. These are couples and groups who walk down the center of the two-lane path. Here’s a tip: slower traffic keeps to the right. If a bicyclist—meaning me—rings his bell and shouts, “On your left!” this is not an instruction for a dance move. I do not want you to slide seductively to your left. I am on your left, hence the notice, "On your left."
IEDs (Improvised Explosive Dogs). Sometimes pedestrians plant their dogs along the roadside, hidden in the bushes and connected to their owner by a wire or leash. The owner then deploys the dogs by retracting the leash, causing the dog to explode out of the bushes at the side of the road as you pass by.
Trip wire. The most dangerous trap was an unexpected yet devious combination: a Middle-Earther with an IED. In this scenario, and I swear I am NOT making this up, a couple spread out across both lanes, with the woman ahead of me in my lane holding her Pomeranian IED in her arms and her partner in the oncoming lane holding the leash, stretching it across both lanes at throat height as they ambled along the path. Just in time I saw that they were connected. Brakes and voice screaming, I slid past them, noting as I did so the disappointed look on their faces that seemed to say, "We had hoped to garotte you, but you startled us."
Death Race 2000 bicyclists. I am a bicyclist. Of all the groups, we bicyclists should know best how to treat fellow bicyclists. But three times I was run off the road and into the gravel by cyclists coming from the other direction and veering head-on into my lane as they passed pedestrians. Your bicycles have brakes as well as pedals, learn how to use them. We are not in a remake of the 1975 film. We do not gain points for running down pedestrians.
Joggers. You, ladies and gentlemen, were the most focused and respectful users on the trail. Even with your earbuds on and joggy music cranked, you behaved better than anyone else between San Jose and Los Gatos. I take my helmet off to you.
So go fast or go slow, just go carefully. And until I am king, enjoy the path for your non-military exercises.
If you go
Los Gatos Creek Trail
Open 7 am to sunset
Website
Part 1 of map of trail
Part 2 of map of trail
