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The lighter side of... atheism?

Hugh Kramer's photo
LA Atheism Examiner
Hey! Who says atheists are a humorless bunch? Here, from a variety of sources, are a bunch of jokes by or about atheists. Let's start with...
 
I went to an atheist's funeral the other day. Poor fellow, all dressed up and no place to go.
 
Q: What's a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
A: Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is or is not a dog...
 
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
 
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as
fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the
bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe
at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God...";
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord,bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly
thankful. Amen."
 
Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! They have torches!
 
Did you hear about the creationist coyote? It chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap!
 
Catholics are against abortions.
Catholics are against homosexuals.
But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals! -- George Carlin
 
Pat Robertson was walking along the street one day when he came across a little boy with a box of kittens. Pat peered into the box, and said, "Son, those are the cutest little kitties I have ever seen. What kind are they?"
"These are Christian kittens," the little boy replied.
Pat chuckled and went on his way.
A week later, he found himself on the same street, this time chatting up Ann Coulter, when he saw the same little boy with the same box of kittens. Hoping to score some points with her, he said, "Ann, go ask that little boy what kind of kittens those are."
She did, and the boy replied, "These are atheist kittens."
Ann looked shocked, and looked back at Pat. Pat asked the boy, "What do you mean, atheist kittens? Last week you told me these kittens were Christian!"
"They were," replied the boy. "But then their eyes opened."
 
During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a rationalist skeptic. The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so." 

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go. 

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ  the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost  who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward  thump! creak!  ...stopping just short of its mark once more. 

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free. 

Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply. 

"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"

Credits:

Photo 1) Praying bear (from Atheist Empire blog)

Photo  2) Laughing Jesus

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, LA Atheism Examiner

Hugh is a former stamp and coin dealer who is now active in humanist causes in the Los Angeles area.

Comments

  • D 2 years ago

    Search youtube for "Tony the Fish".

    It's kind of a looong joke from Tim Minchin about Jesus, but well worth watching for the punchline!

  • John Lynn, Phoenix Atheism Examiner 2 years ago

    Hooray for Friday morning funnies!

  • James-Michael Smith - Methodist Examiner 2 years ago

    Congratulations Hugh...you're the Ned Flanders of atheists. ;)

    These are as bad as some of the "Jokes for Sunday Sermons" books some preachers buy! haha

  • L 2 years ago

    Congratulations! You're a biggot!

  • Thomas Lee Elifritz 2 years ago

    "You're a biggot!"

    American anti-science retards are so freakin stupid they can't even spell bigot. They don't even know what it means, they just parrot crap they heard from Rush or read in the bible.

  • Brent Meeker 2 years ago

    Psychiatrist: "Look--how do you know you're God?"
    Lord Gurney: "Well, every time I pray, I find that I'm talking to myself."
    --- Peter Barnes, "The Ruling Class"

    I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who
    believe it.
    -- George Carlin, Brain Droppings

    Peter: What would you say if I told you there was Master of all we see, a Creator of the universe, who watches and judges everything we do.
    Curls: I'd say you were about to take up a collection.
    --- Gary Hart, in B.C.

  • CortxVortx 2 years ago

    Wait, when did the polar bear joke get changed to an atheist? When I heard it, back in the '70s, it was just "a hunter" -- no religious affiliation mentioned, just assumed to be a Christian. And that assumption is what made the joke funny -- one was expecting "lion lays down with the lamb" outcome. Changing the hunter to an atheist just doesn't make sense, and isn't as funny. The extra verbiage about the light and the "why should I help you after all your denying me" has all the hallmarks of a pious insertion a la <i>Testimonium Flavianum</i>.

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