Listen my children, and you shall hear, the tale of a Jon Bon Jovi stink eye, known to instill panic and fear.
What is a Bon Jovi stink eye, you ask?
Stink Eye: “a facial expression of doubt, distrust, or dislike; a dirty look, skunk eye or hairy eyeball”.
Unofficially the word is believed to have originated in the Hawaiian beach sports surfer and volleyball communities. “Maka pilau” in Hawaiian translates to “one with rotten eyes; a ghost”
In Latin and tribal cultures there is a healthy fear of a phenomenon known as the Evil Eye. It’s always lurking around the corner, watching, seeing all, and waiting for an opening to befall the unsuspecting with bad luck, a horrible accident, or just plain gut-busting fear.
So dreaded is the Evil Eye that some cultures pin miniature eyeballs onto babies to protect them from its gaze and to ward off their damning spell.
In some cases practitioners of black magic are consulted to eradicate the offending spirit.
Undoubtedly, we’ve all been on the business end of a stink eye; hell, we proudly chuck our very own when we’re cut off in traffic, a family member pisses us off, or the kids are dancing a jig on the dinner table in some restaurant while we are trying to enjoy a nice family meal.
But what of the prized Jon Bon Jovi stink eye?
It is neither mirage nor myth and is spotted both in public and in private.
It can make grown men cry, reduce roadies to blubbering pillars of salt, make women around the world quiver and shake at the sheer mention of it; and subjects band-mates to a visual pummeling that reeks of disdain.
Perhaps the only way the look could be made worse is if Richie, Tico, David or Hugh were shirtless in front of Jon, wrists strung high to the stage rafters by a log chain so that Jon could wield a six-foot bull whip on their naked, sweaty backs for the errs of their ways in hitting a wrong note, playing a wrong chord, being out of time, or just plain existing on the wrong damn day.
Loathed and fearsome, the mere mention of this phenomenon sends lions in the African plane scurrying for the cover of the nearest brush.
Tough guys and wise guys stand and pose in front of the mirror, trying to duplicate its' wretched power, yet unable to reproduce the ultimate "I'm gonna kick your ass up one side of the street and down the other" vibe.
Hell, it’s a look so powerful, so smoldering, so intense and so downright incendiary it makes Tony Soprano or Scarface look like Pee Wee Herman by comparison.
Bright baby blues gone stone cold. Ouch!
Fans stay awake at night, counting mental snapshots of Jovi stink eye instead of sheep before nodding off.
They quiver like cold Chihuahuas as they succumb to it’s entrancing power, it’s ability to reduce its recipient to a height a hair shorter than a snakes belly; at once craving a moments’ look at it, yet dreading the potential consequence and the untold emotion fueling it.
Alas, there is no antidote or defense for it; nor does there exist a magic bullet, wand or lucky charm to liberate the object of it’s disdain from it’s supremely judgmental view.
Oh, it begins innocently enough, does the Jovi Stink eye. It dwells in the same seductive blue eyes that melt women where they stand; shares the same crows-feet that grow deeper with each searchlight white smile.
You know that smile: it starts at one corner of the mouth, almost like a smirk until it spreads across his face, lighting the darkest corner of the universe way yonder above the last seat in the nosebleed section of the audience.
But like Dr. Jekyll's sudden transformation into Mr. Hyde, a sudden wrong note, rude fan or an interview run too long takes those brilliant baby blues and sucks the warmth from them at a moments notice.
Here it comes. Wait for it...
The smiling crows feet give way to a squint and pouting sneer that would show you exactly how Bon Jovi was taking you apart in his mind if he ever truly lost control of it.
Unsheathed during an interview, it comes on like a small wave. Jon Bon's jaw muscles tighten, the chin sets firmly downward, the mane of hair motionless as the head turns ever so slightly, and the lids come to a half-close; assessing, evaluating, taking the measure of you and your insolent audacity.
And the breath! Oh the breath: if that chest heaves or he audibly lets the breath out through his lips, you’re in some deep, deep dung.
The Bon Jovi stink eye is such an established aspect of the star’s persona with fans that one need only mention it on social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook and the stories germinate for days; still other sites on the web---notably Topix---actually have fan forums aptly named for the temperamental side of the singer: Bon Jovi Stink eye Forum
The look in which Jon says the next time you do this, you won’t live to see the light of day”.
Still others refer to it as Jon’s what the eff look.
Regardless of the look’s intent or target, it is yet one more thing devoted fans around the world have come to know and love about Bon Jovi, because while the look will slay the recipient where they stand.
Ironically it is still one more thing the fans can’t get enough of because at it’s most primitive, it humanizes Jon; let’s us know that though we have him held high as an idol and soundtrack to our lives that at the end of the day, he’s human, just like us.
Indeed, perhaps JoviNation will design little heart and dagger pins with a little eyeball on the heart next to the dagger to ward off this most fearsome of looks!
Find and follow Bon Jovi Examiner Glenn Osrin on Twitter! @ wizardofosrin