(Announcer) Welcome everyone to the second edition of the political price is right!!!
And here’s your host Drewwww Careyyy!
Drew: Hello to everyone tuning in, it promises to be a lively show. Our contestants are here to play the game and win some money for their favorite charity. Washington’s out to lunch but America’s tuned in to ‘Swamp People’ so at least we’ve got some dysfunction to watch on TV.
Let’s see who our contestants are today. Johnny?
Welcome to the show and Ted, you didn’t need to bring the wrecking ball; the tea party is doing a good job of bringing the political house down without it.
Cruz: It’s for Obama, Drew.
Drew: Let’s leave politics out of it Ted. We’re here to raise money for your favorite charity. What is it?
Cruz: The Tea party.
Drew, I’m sorry Ted, the ‘Tea party’ is a group of angry people who want a smaller government. It isn’t a recognized charity.
David Koch: No Drew, that’s more left wing misinformation. We’ve just paid for 501 C3 status for the ‘Tea Party Health Care Initiative’. It’s real.
Al: Drew, ask them what that means.
Charles Koch: I’ll answer that Drew, it means that if young people do not sign up for ‘Obama-care’ the health care initiative will tell them how to cross the border into Canada so they can receive quality care for free. Didn’t they see that creepy Uncle Sam TV ad we funded through an ultra-right wing front group?
David: Charley, you weren’t supposed to say that.
Charles: That’s OK Dave, no one’s watching this show anyway, they’re tuned into to ‘Survivor’.
Al: Isn’t that a show about who gets voted out of Congress because they don’t vote the way you lunatics want?
David; No Senator, that’s the way we fund someone who can unseat you in the next election.
Ted: speaking of funds, are you guys setting up another PAC for me?
David: Not if you continue to pull stunts like that all-nighter in the House when you read from Dr. Suess. Did you know what that story actually meant?
Ted: It wasn’t just a bed-time tale?
Charles: David, do you think we can have Michelle Bachmann elected in Ted’s district?
David: Isn’t she from Minnesota?
Charles: Doesn’t matter, money talks.
Drew: (Excitedly) Johnny, what’s the first item going up for bids?
Drew, it’s a down-sizing package. It will not only help de-fund Obamacare, but it’ll shave ten percent from every program that helps the elderly, the sick and what the hell let’s throw in our veterans too.
Drew: I wonder who donated that?
Contestants; lock in your bids and we’ll see if this turkey flies. (Ding ding ding)
OK We’ve got bids of $700 billion, $2 and a half trillion and ‘What the hell am I doing here?’
I’m sorry you’re all off the mark, it’s priceless!!!
Well, folks, you won’t go away empty handed; Johnny what are the parting gifts?
No gifts Drew, we’re cutting back as well.