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The Kardashians ruined our beach party

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Helga and I enjoy a relaxing day at the beach. After a long week of Helga working her fingers to the bone down at the massage parlor and me spending the week doing…well, whatever it is I do, we just like to head out to the sand and chill for the day.

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So we pack up the Volkswagen mini-bus with a cooler full of Corona, the mini-hibachi grill, beach food and the 8-track player boom-box. (Helga gets mad at me when I pronounce hibachi “High-Bocci”, but she’s Swedish so she doesn’t know.

A few weeks ago we headed down to Mexico Beach just before noon, found our usual spot in the sand, spread out our blanket, popped a few Coronas and relaxed.

That is until about an hour later. Our peaceful sun-soaked bliss was interrupted when a sleek custom-painted RV the size of a Greyhound bus parked and a dozen or so glamorous Hollywood types streamed out and headed for the beach. It could only mean one thing for Helga and me, a recipe for a disastrous afternoon on the edge of the water.

It was the Kardashians.

A few minutes later a custom van pulled up right on the beach itself and six or seven muscle guys wearing tight white t-shirts set up a 20x20 Las Vegas style private cabana complete with velvet drapes, a buffet table and a big screen TV. They pulled out off the beach, spraying sand in our faces with the rear tires and a refrigerated truck pulled in with buffet food, a champagne fountain and a crew outfitted in chef whites and servers wearing tuxedos. My day was not getting any better.

But that wasn’t the worst of it.

When the Kardashian girls went out in to the surf to frolic and solve their latest crises in their lives, they totally blocked out the panoramic beach view of the Gulf of Mexico and the dolphins swimming in the distance. I lowered my sunglasses down the bridge of my nose and all I could see were butts. Big butts, it was ass for days, a total blockade of anything across the water. I was pissed.

And yet they continued to jump around in the water splashing each other. I don’t know what jiggled the most. Their asses, breasts or lips.

So me and Helga packed up our stuff and headed back to the house to finish off our romantic day in the sun. We had expected a little relaxation together but all we got was big butts. And asses.

Here is what we would have dined on that afternoon if not for the giant asses.

Grilled Corn

8 Ears Corn, silk removed but unshucked

2 Tbs. Olive Oil

½ Cup Melted Butter

2 Tbs. Garlic, Minced

1 Tsp. Fresh Rosemary, Chopped

1 Tsp. Dried Basil

1 Tsp. Fresh Thyme, Chopped

Sea Salt/Freshly Ground Black Pepper

½ Cup Parmesan Cheese, Grated

Soak corn in cold water for 1 to 3 hours.

Stir together oil and melted butter in a bowl. Season with garlic, rosemary, basil, thyme, salt, and pepper; stir in Parmesan cheese.

Drain corn and pat dry. Spread butter mixture evenly over each ear of corn, and place each piece on a square of aluminum foil. Tightly wrap each ear and puncture to allow excess steam to escape while grilling.

Grill the corn cobs until tender, about 20 to 30 minutes, turning frequently. Remove from the grill and check for doneness

Shrimp on a Stick

1 Tbs. Olive Oil

2 Tbs. Fresh Ginger, Grated

Juice of 2 Limes

2 Cloves Garlic, Minced

1 Tbs. Soy Sauce

½ Tbs. Sugar

½ Tbs. Red Pepper Flakes

2 Lbs. Lrg. Shrimp, Tail-on

½ Cup Fresh Cilantro, Chopped

Thread shrimp on soaked wooden skewers.

In a large bowl combine oil, ginger, lime juice, garlic, soy sauce, sugar and red pepper; mix well. Stir in shrimp and cilantro. Cover and refrigerate 1 to 4 hours before serving. Stir occasionally while chilling.

Place sticks on the high-bocci and grill until pink.

Chocolate Key Lime on a Stick

1 Frozen 9-inch Key Lime Pie

1 Smuckers Fudge Magic Shell

10 Popscicle Sticks

Carefully remove the pie from the aluminum tin and place it on a parchment paper lined baking sheet. Lay another piece of parchment paper over the pie; place your hand on top of the pie to stabilize it.

Insert 10 wooden pop sticks into the side of the pie @ equal intervals, sticking them thru the crust and about 2" into the filling. If the crust starts to crack, pierce it first with a knife before inserting the sticks.

Cut the pie into 10 wedges, with a stick in the middle of each wedge. Return to the freezer until rock hard, about 1 hour.

Pour the Magic Shell in a bowl and dip the pie wedges into the mixture. swirl to coat evenly.

Freeze pops at least 15 minutes.

Check out the slideshow and video for some hilarious highlight of Kardashian Hijinx.

Surf’s up everybody.

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