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Damn the Homeowner!

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Homeowners are Botox-injected, Grey Poupon boasting, Kardashian-purse slinging snobs. And frankly, I’ve had enough of these repugnant elitists!

Disclaimer: This article responds to all of the disdainful remarks about the homeless that I’ve seen of late in the Chico News & Review and elsewhere. It also addresses our City Council’s decision* to use the Chico Police Department to patrol the downtown plaza area, fully armed, to rid our streets of people without shelter.

Homeowners are Botox-injected, Grey Poupon boasting, Kardashian-purse slinging snobs. And frankly, I’ve had enough of these repugnant elitists!

Last month, I accidentally spilt guacamole on a homeowner’s otherwise spotless beige carpet. In response, he called me a “fuckin clumsy klutz.”

In 1997, I over-flooded a homeowner’s toilet. I won’t expel the details, but it was neither pretty nor purposeful. The homeowner shouted, “What the hell did you put in there?” I said I was sorry, that it was poop. He shouted obscenities and remained angry until the mess was cleaned up an hour later.

I heretofore propose a "Damn the Homeowner!"ordinance: “There shall be no purchasing or occupying of homes wherever people might sit, stand, sleep, breathe, pee, poop, twerk or have sex.” I further propose that the Chico police raid our city’s homes, fully armed. It’s clearly a more expedient use of my tax dollars than quelling gang related bloodshed, addressing Greek activities that lead to rapes and deaths, fighting hate crimes, and curbing other such shenanigans.

At Peet’s recently, I ordered a coffee. The cashier asked if I wanted anything else. I turned towards a man who appeared to be carrying his life’s possessions on his back. I don’t know him, but I’m fairly certain he isn’t a homeowner.

“Just a minute,” I told the cashier.

I walked over to the man, asking if he wanted coffee.

He said, meekly, “No, but I’ll take a scone.”

I added a raspberry scone to my order, and I felt rewarded upon giving the man this pastry. Knowing that I’m able to do small gestures like this holds a lot of meaning for me.

Thing is, I’m not homeless. I'm also not a homeowner, nor do I expect I'll ever be so fortunate.

I grew up in an upper-middle-class family, attained higher degrees from reputable universities, and have usually worked more than one job. But none of this keeps me housed in warmth and safety. Luck does. I might have slipped into homelessness many times were it not for one wealthy relative’s support, or a job offer that came at the right time, or some other twist of fate.

In case this needs be said, I don't really hate the homeowner. I simply hate the haters of the homeless. To all of them, I say: Quit stereotyping an entire population based on one or a few incidents. You aren’t better than anyone else—just more fortunate than many. There are rude people, and those who will inconvenience you, throughout all segments of society. Check yourselves on your own rudeness quotient. Stop being so ruthlessly judgmental of those who are facing more hardship than you've ever been forced to contend with. Find your heart, and open it - if only a little, if only through the holiday season.

A catastrophic moment could take it all from you, from any one of us. If that happens, and if I’m able, let’s meet at Peet’s. I won’t buy you a new home, but I will gladly treat you to a scone.

*All except two Chico City Council Members, Tami Ritter and Randall Stone, voted in favor of utilizing our police force in this manner.



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