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The Great Cat Hunt

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An excerpt from " The Nookie File" A Les Didlin story by Will Sanders.

The Great Cat Hunt

Penny called me into the office. “Les, I have a new job for you. There are about a hundred stray cats living over in the bird sanctuary. I want you to get rid of them. That many hungry cats will eat all the birds so they have to go.”

I told Penny I would get right on it. It might be a nice break from picking up dog poop. Back home I took a break from ripping up rotten floor boards in my living room. I looked over at Tommy’s place and there was one of the paintball punks helping him work on the Camaro. I got an inspiration. I walked over and talked a bit to that kid.

“You and your buddies find a new place to shoot paintballs yet?”

“Nope, still looking.”

“How do you feel about hunting stray cats?”

That is how I ended up spending the next five afternoons shooting paintballs at cats with the three kids. They had a blast. So did I. We fanned out about twenty feet apart and maneuvered through the trees and brush. The first few feral cats were curious and they paid for it. Multicolored paint balls splattered on and around them and they high tailed it. After that the cats got real sneaky. They hid until one of us practically stepped on them and they exploded through the brush followed by a hail of paintballs. The kids and I made several sweeps through the trees. We fired about twenty thousand paintballs. We painted a few dozen cats, one coyote and three skunks. I even plastered a rattlesnake that was all coiled up and threatening to strike at me. We put the run on those cats.

The second afternoon only about half of them were back. Some of them escaped a paint job the first day but most didn’t fare so well the second day. The coyote and skunks must have been smarter because we never saw them again. I don’t know what happened to that rattler. Maybe he went into hiding until the neon orange paint wore off his head. I sure am glad I never ran into him again because he was one pissed off snake.

Multicolored cats were showing up all over town. Penny called me into the office. I was hanging around the pool watching Fanny lead the old man’s exercise class in the pool. I got into the habit of watching the class because I was real curious about how Fanny managed to hide her other gender assets in a bikini bottom. Mighty big mystery but so far I couldn’t figure it out.

Penny didn’t look so happy. “Les do you know anything about painted cats?” She didn’t wait for me to answer.

“I know all about your paint ball battle with those kids. Now somebody told me people are paint-balling cats. They better stop it real soon.”

“I think it’ll only take one more afternoon to get rid of those cats in the bird sanctuary. Will that be soon enough?”

Penny took a long hard look at me. “Yeah, I think that will work.” I caught her shaking her head and smirking just a little as I left her office

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