The Folly of Running during a Zombie Attack

Anybody with a pulse knows two things instinctually: the English don’t tip well and if you see a zombie you should run. Run for your very life! Running is the primary go to reaction in your arsenal of responses. In fact, studies show that 32.7% of the screen time of your average zombie film is devoted to sequences in which the lead characters do nothing but run.

This is famously satirized in “Sean of the Dead” when the characters mange to waltz through a zombie horde simply by walking slowly and moaning a lot (a technique also endorsed by the Westlake Housewife Association). Humorous, though this may be, it is dangerous fantasy that contributes to a false ideology of what should actually be done during an actual invasion of the undead. A better message to teach our children is paraphrased by used car dealership commercials- “Run! Don’t Walk!”

Having spent the first half of this piece, espousing the ideology of running let us move on to the article’s clever twist. Running during a zombie attack, the best thing to do logically, is ultimately illogical. This is simply because while you are running from a zombie you are at the same time running towards a zombie. Probability dictates that there is no way to pre-determine their location. Without a functioning cerebral cortex to give them a sense of direction the undead are doomed to wander the landscape like girl-friendless drummers. Therefore, while running from a zombie attack may very well get you away from it, it will also bring you, just as quickly, to another one. This is all for now. Please stay on the alert for the upcoming article:” The Folly of Staying Still during a Zombie Attack.”