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The eye on nude investigations

The Eye's on the Paranormal
The Eye's on the Paranormal
Matthew DiFronzo

A groundbreaking announcement has been released today by Eye Paranormal, the paranormal council that fittingly keeps an eye on all paranormal groups across the United States.

From this day forward, April 1, 2014, all groups across the U.S. will be required to strip down.

According to supreme paranormal expert and Eye Paranormal Grand Poobah, Richard Show, paranormal groups will be required to conduct their investigations in the nude.

That's right. No more clothes.

"We felt it was time to shed our shells. Spiritual energy is blocked by denim and other clothing materials. We noticed a team in California was finding some success by being bold in the cold. So why not all of us," stated Show.

With the edict going into effect at the end of the month, many are saying that the timing is perfect.

"I was a bit apprehensive at first with the idea of letting it "all hang out" but with Spring in the air I think a bit of Spring cleaning down there can't hurt," said Harry Butts, group leader of APES, a.k.a Another Paranormal Expert Society.

Yet, Harry's little brother, also an investigator in APES, isn't so sure.

"Living in Illinois, I never get the opportunity to sport a yearlong tan. Tanning booths cost too much so this could be a problem for me," said Whitey Butts. "I just don't want to be mistaken for a ghost and I certainly don't want to be called Harry's little brother."

And he isn't the only one with concerns.

"Hey, we freaking live in Alaska ok! I've seen enough icicles growing in spots I didn't think possible. I don't need to add more places to that list", clamored Al Kaholic of BURPS, Buried Under Research Paranormal Society.

Show acknowledged that mistaken identity, shrinkage and icicles might be problems for some, but he is more concerned with others who might have things that go bump in the night.

And not things from ghosts.

"We certainly don't want people getting poked in the eye or other sacred areas while maneuvering in the dark. So, that's something we need to put a lid on if we plan to be successful."

And it's not just men.

"Yes, it's true. While men may poke one eye out, women have the potential to poke out two. So we will consider mandating safety goggles for our shorter members," stated Show.

Yet, Richard Show is confident that all paranormal groups across the country will look past the cons and see the bright light at the end of the tunnel:

No more faking evidence.

For years, people have conducted investigations with clothes on, even to go so far as wearing hats, gloves and jackets. Simply because they were cold.

But according to Show, wearing these items blocks the spiritual energy and nothing paranormal is ever recorded. And worse, people have been forced to fake evidence in order to justify their ghost hunting activities.

"No more," said Show. "Faking evidence is a thing of the past. From this day forward all paranormal groups will air it out, allowing the influx of real data."

To some, that puts a shiver down their spines. To others, it's just what the paranormal of today needs. A breath of fresh air and smack dab in the right places.

As Richard Show put it when loosely referencing the infamous quote from Field of Dreams:

"If you take it off, they will come."

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