This is Part IV of my interview with Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do, and voice of the Psychology Today Blog, Stepmonster: Reaching out to the core of the stepmother experience.
We ended Part III, Stepchildren and Loyalty Binds, by discussing how important it is for a mother to release her children from loyalty binds when their father remarries so that those children can create relationships with their stepmother in a state of freedom, rather than conflicted loyalties.
Question: Since stepmothering is here to stay, aren’t we talking about more than feminism, perhaps a kind of emancipation for the entire family, which would free children from parental loyalty binds, free fathers from the binds of guilty and permissive parenting post-divorce, all of which would certainly free Mom up to have more visionary relationships with her children and move on in her own life? As you state, most stepmothers are caring, kind and attentive, but never have a chance to be seen that way because of the Ties that Bind, as Bruce Springsteen would say.
Wednesday Martin: The idea of step/family emancipation is a great one. Sign me up! I guess it would entail lots of public education about how stepfamilies are not less healthy or second-best or “weird.” Unfortunately, there is research showing that even family therapists are sometimes biased against stepfamilies, rating them as less healthy and less likely to succeed before even getting to know them. Imagine the bias among people who AREN’T trained professionals!
Whatever our moral or religious feelings about it, I think the first step here is that we have to de-stigmatize divorce to some extent, accept that it happens and will keep happening, accept that it is not a moral failing but to some degree a symptom of larger social and historical changes we are inevitably part of. And our responsibility is to support rather than judge everyone after divorce. That support could translate into educating parents about how common and counter-productive permissive parenting is post-divorce; teaching everyone who is a teacher or mental health professional, and even the average citizen, the meaning of loyalty binds and how these painful binds get acted out by kids of all ages; and giving stepparents in general and stepmothers in particular the tools and information they need to understand what they can and can’t realistically expect to accomplish.
Oh, and while I’m dreaming, I’d like every news outlet in the nation to stop using the term “blended family.” It’s not just fussiness about nomenclature — that term is so harmful because of the unrealistic expectations it engineers!
Question: You and Rachelle Katz, with whom I have also done an interview for this column, are leading a Steps for Stepmothers Workshop on Saturday, September 25, 2010 in New York. What is your hope for any individual stepmother who attends that workshop?
Wednesday Martin: Oh, thanks for mentioning that! I hope the women (and men — divorced and repartnered dads are welcome!) who attend will be able to give themselves and their partnerships a fighting chance by letting go of the blended family myth, and letting go of the myth of the perfect, all-loving, maternal stepmom. I also hope anyone who attends will just feel less alone, will have that Aha! moment in realizing, “Hey, this is hard, and I’m not the only one struggling, and I can do it.” Stepmothers in particular can wind up feeling really isolated, with low self-esteem. This is a chance for them to meet others in the same boat, and build connections that will support them long after the workshop is over.
Click here to read Part I, An interview with Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster, an essential book on stepmothering. Click here to read Part II, The Feminist Stepmother. Click here to read Part III, Stepchildren and Loyalty Binds.
For more info: Attend the Steps for Stepmothers Workshop on Saturday, September 25, 2010, which will be presented by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. (author of Stepmonster) and Rachelle Katz, Ed.D. (author of The Happy Stepmother and creator of Steps for Stepmothers). Place: Parkside Lounge of the West Side YMCA (West 63rd Street between Broadway and Central Park West). Time: 10am to 1:00pm. Cost: $75 in advance, $95 at the door. To sign up, log onto: www.stepsforstepmothers.com.
Comments
Thanks to Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. for giving us great food for thought that goes way beyond our individual stepfamilies. It seems as if the ideal term for stepfamilies in our society hasn't been found yet. None of the following terms seems to hit the spot - stepfamily, blended family, bonus family... Is there anything else that may more accurately capture who we are?
What I´d like to say is : LEAVE the kids LIVE! If your relatioship with your husband is over, tha´s ok. There are plenty more fish in the sea, but you, Moms and Dads the most precious thing in your kids life! Stepmoms and Stepfathers are only there to ADD!! Kids will be better adults if the adults near them now react as a good one!
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