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The elf on the what?

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So, this elf thing is still a pretty new concept. Prior holidays were spent with just regular reindeer and snowmen, not fancy shrunken dwarf-like things. Once the animated TV special aired, sandwiched between Carrie Underwood singing "My Favorite Things" and Ellen's Third Day of Christmas however, the kids were convinced they were the only children in Miami who remained elf-less. Enter Guido, the Hispanic and/or Italian character out of a box that looked absolutely nothing like the one in the TV show.

Despite Guido's miraculous appearance inside the Publix Christmas tree, his journey has been a relatively obedient one. Per the rules from the TV show, the book, and TRUE-LIFE stories from the first grade, this mischievous elf is to travel to Santa each night in a good ol' fashioned game of snitch-on-your-kid to report any suspicious behavior warranting coal or snowman poop in the Christmas morning stockings. The catch, though, wholly sneaked in the book jacket at 4-point font that must be read backward with the help of a mirror in the bathroom at midnight, it seems, indicates that, upon the tattletale-elf's return from the North, it must wreak some sort of havoc within the household to prove to the kids his journey was legitimate and to further add to the December parent stress of yet one more chore to do amongst buying, wrapping, and sniffing tree sap.

What makes this elf sneaky, truuuuly sneaky, though, is that it's not allowed to be touched, like, not with any human finger or kitchen utensil. Touching it kills the MAGIC. If the MAGIC is gone, then so are the childrens' dreams of Christmas joy and/or any chances of becoming productive working citizens after the college career that likely won't even happen because the elf's magic was killed at the tender age of eight, thus wholly ruining their later adult lives, phew.

It is THIS fear that keeps the elf rotating around the house, making marshmallow structures one day and hanging off the mistletoe another. So, in between fighting some woman at Target for the last elf hat needed for the third grade holiday show next Wednesday and what-do-you-mean-we-need-to-make-homemade-reindeer-paw-desserts-for-your-class-by-tomorrow, the elf has finagled its way onto the December to-do list. The screeches from the holiday bandwagon are loud and clear as it plows through the front door, only this time, it's driven by an elf named Guido.



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