You know that feeling where you experience mental assault by a female. She makes a joke and laughs, you make the same joke and you’re in the dog house. That feeling. That,“what the hell just happened…?” feeling. I'm going to fix that for you in this article.
While I have confused many a man in my day, mostly due to my disarming wit and my Disney references falling on deaf ears, it is important not to wrongly mistake confusion for cruelty. Below is a sample of the confusing and the cruel and my expert-ish explanation on the difference between the two.
Cruel- She comes to the bar with only her ID- She’s pretty and you will be buying all of her drinks before you go home alone. This girl is a B. She is using you. Don’t pay for her to get drunk and go home with someone else. Dummy.
Confusing- She no longer wears mini skirts and high heels but you better make her feel sexy if you don’t want to sleep on the couch- a woman in love is done playing dress up all the time. We’re getting older, 27 is the new 40, and all we want to do is drink wine and judge people. I don’t want to put on sequins and dance on tables every night... anymore... If we’re going out on a date I will be in leggings. Maybe jeans. MAYBE. If I'm going out with my girlfriends who I love I will be in leggings. Maybe jeans. MAYBE. If I'm going out with my girlfriends who I love but girls that I don’t like will be there I will be wearing my resting bitch face. And probably still leggings. One of my very smart, sexy, and fabulous girlfriends said it best, “I feel like my clothing choices give an honest depiction of how much I want to eat versus how much I want you to touch me.” Once the mini skirts come on, you’re probably getting cheated on… sorry.
Cruel- she cries, you cave. Most women are not as emotionally stable and balanced as say… me. One tear and you’re putty in her hands. Notice the patterns, why is she crying? Did her dog die? Valid. Is she rewatching Gossip Girl? Valid. Is she crying because you’re in a fight and she’s a baby? Not valid. Tell her to suck it up, but not if she just watched Gossip Girl, don’t be a monster.
Confusing- She has her period and hates you/ the world/ her mother/ paper clips/ markers/ chapstick/ technology/ Little Bow Peep/clear mugs/ the waitress’s bangs/ buttons/ pandas/Christina Aguilera's weight loss/ you/ you/you. Dude… just get in bed, pull your knees to your chest, and think of your happy place. When she talks about her period two weeks later and insists she doesn't get PMS, do not blink, do not make a sound, do not clear your throat. Agree with her. And realize that the cycle is starting again. Stage one, denial. Right on schedule.
Cruel- She’s talking smack about you, in front of you- yiiiiikes. This girl might not realize what she’s doing. She might not think that the joke about your lazy antics is inappropriate among friends. She might not think the joke about your job will hurt your feelings since you make jokes about it, too. If she doesn't realize you need to communicate it to her. You know if she’s being malicious or if she’s being an idiot. If she’s an idiot, forgive her. She’s dumb so it’ll happen again, forgive her again. If she’s taking jabs at your ego to be spiteful, be a mature adult and make fun of her back. Duh.
Confusing- She doesn't give it up on purpose. Oh you MESSED UP. I don’t need to explain this one. You’ll fix it. You’ll probably do anything to fix it. Typical.
Cruel- she tests you. This sucks. Women test men all the time, sometimes without even realizing it. 80% of the time you fail the test. But we don’t tell you that you failed. No, that would be too easy. Instead we tell our girlfriends that you failed. And how you failed. And how you could have passed. And how we don’t want you to do it again. All of the things we should have said to you, we say to other people and you need to figure it out on your own. Does this seem fair? Nope. Will it change? Probably not. How can you fix it? Become a mind reader.
I feel it is important to state that while woman can be confusing, men are TERMINALLY CONFUSED and there is no fixing that.