The desire to be #1 and be treated special is what fuels our desire for monogamy

Do you believe you were born with a natural desire to eat meat? If your answer is "yes," then you need to read this article by Author Kathy Freston from June 2009. Human beings do not have claws, nor do we have long, sharp teeth. We are not natural carnivores. We are herbivores (or many would assert, omnivores) who, for the most part, have been socially programmed and conditioned to behave like carnivores.

Do not worry - this is not a public service announcement on behalf of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).

Normally, I do not even write as many as five articles in a thirty-day period, but in the last two weeks, I have been receiving so many responses from male and female readers, that I almost feel compelled to express a lot of my thoughts and strong opinions.

A woman wrote me yesterday, and asked, "Alan, you seem like an intelligent man who is a critical thinker, but why do you hate monogamy so much? You seem as though you are very much against the idea of a monogamous relationship. Did some woman hurt you or leave you emotionally wounded? Very few of your articles specifically encourage monogamous relationships. Most of what I read from you tends to condone and encourage casual, non-monogamous sex. Why is that?" I appreciate any and all feedback, even if I happen to disagree with the opinions and comments expressed.

My thoughts: Monogamy is not natural.

I did not say that monogamy is not beneficial, desirable, appealing, or gratifying for many men and women. I simply said that the desire for monogamy in human beings is not natural.

Why do you think so much adultery is committed in society? Why do you think so many men, and even many women, have multiple sex partners? The simple reason is that it is not in our DNA or genetic code to be monogamous.

The desire for monogamy comes from a number of factors, including one's religious beliefs, one's social and cultural conditioning and brainwashing, how you were raised by your mother and/or father, and last but not least, your ego.

Over the years, I have listened to naive women express opinions such as, "Men may not have a natural desire for monogamy, but women sure do!" Sure you're right. I have no doubt that each and every woman who has ever been a street prostitute, professional Call Girl, or adult film actress would agree with that opinion (tongue firmly planted toward my cheek).

In the same manner that some men and women have no problem living the lifestyle of a raw vegan or vegetarian while many others choose to eat cheeseburgers and chicken wings, not all men and women have a strong desire to develop and maintain a sexual relationship with members of the opposite sex (or same gender) that is indefinitely monogamous in nature.

Personally, I have always struggled with the idea of being monogamous with one woman indefinitely. Always. I tend to be enthusiastic about being monogamous with one woman for maybe the first three months of a relationship with a woman who I am really attracted to, and maybe the first six, nine or twelve months. In one or two cases, I was enthusiastic for the first two or three years. My innate desire though is to be sexually flirtatious with many women concurrently, and experience a variety of erotic moans from a number of different women with very unique personalities and sexual interests.

What has usually fueled my desire for a monogamous relationship, among other things, is my ego. I love to be treated like I am the number one, most important man in a woman's life, with the possible exception of her father. Admit it: the vast majority of us men love to be treated like "The King." The Top Dog. Big Daddy.

Why do you think sports and athletic competition are so popular in this country? Because for those men and women who are athletic and highly competitive, they want to be considered the very best in their respective sport. If we are a fan, we want the bragging rights to be associated with the player and/or team that is the champion. What man or woman who possesses a healthy ego wants to be #2, #3, or #4? (Well, for years, Avis Car Rental had a marketing campaign that included the slogan, "We are #2, but we TRY HARDER") Who remembers runner-ups years later?

Competitive people want to be number one in their careers, financially, academically, and athletically. Do you really think that competitiveness does not transfer into dating and relationships? I have had more than a few women tell me that the primary reason why they have never engaged in a ménage à trois (sexual threesome) with a man and another woman is not because they are deeply religious or that they have an aversion to group sex.

When these women were persuaded to be bluntly honest, they confessed that it was all about their ego. They said they never wanted to see a man they were dating, or a man who they were highly attracted to, providing sexual pleasure to another woman. "I am too selfish for that . . ." is the comment of a number of women I have conversed with about the subject. I know women who have even avoided having a threesome with two men because of their desire to be treated "special." Some women have made comments to me such as, "if a man is willing to share me with another man, that means that I must not be number one in his heart."

The ego is why so many men want their spouses or female companions to remain monogamous to them, while they themselves are still out sowing their wild oats. Ego. "I will treat you like you are just 'one of many,' but you better treat me like I am The King. Daddy. Number One."

Some say men and women have very different attitudes toward sex. That is a crock. Do not believe the hype. Men are simply socialized different than women are in regard to sex. How many mothers do you know that go out of their way to prevent their sons from being promiscuous? Very few. How many fathers do you know that go out of their way to prevent their daughters from being promiscuous? Four out of five. No, make that nineteen out of twenty.

A woman can have a great platonic friendship with a man for weeks, months or years, but once a good number of women decide to exchange orgasms with their "former friend," guess what? A high percentage of those women now want to be treated like number one. "I want to be the one and only," as one of my ex-girlfriends said to me.

Everyone who knows me, and reads my articles knows how much I love chicken wings. Grilled, fried, or baked. Love my "wangs." That being said, I am still intellectually objective enough to acknowledge that when I see a chicken walk in front of me, I do not naturally salivate. I do not want to immediately kill that chicken and eat it. I have been socialized to love meat. I did not come out of the womb with a natural desire to kill animals and eat them.

You did not come out of the womb with a natural desire to want to have sex with only one person for five years, ten years, twenty years, or longer. You have been socialized to believe that being involved in a monogamous sexual relationship cuts down on jealousy, 'drama,' and the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. You have been taught that all children need to be raised in a two-parent home so that they will become emotionally healthy and well-adjusted adults. If those beliefs work for you, by all means, stand by those beliefs.

Again, I am not saying or suggesting that monogamy is a 'bad' thing. I am just emphatically reiterating that monogamy is not a natural desire. Members of this society, and particularly women, are socially programmed and conditioned to believe that monogamy is not only the 'best' type of sexual relationship to have with a companion of choice, but that it should be the only type of sexual relationship a man and woman should allow themselves to have.

Just let it be noted that there men who are promiscuous or polyamorous that are 'good men' who have never been alcoholics or drug addicts. There are men who have raised good sons and healthy daughters who have had two women in their bed at the same time. There are women who are ambitious, self-sufficient, and independent who have participated in an orgy or two. Or three. I had a female friend of mine tell me a few years ago, "Alan, I once dated a man who had a harem of sex partners. He was having sex with seven of us either regularly or occasionally. You know why all of the women in his harem, including me, adored him? Because he treated all of us with such respect, and gave us all more 'quality time' and loving attention than some men who were monogamous with us never did." Powerful.

All that matters in life is that you do what makes you happy, and you allow me to do what makes me happy, as long as what makes me happy does not make you unhappy, and vice versa. Right?

And nothing makes me happier than you telling your friends, "Do you read Alan Roger Currie's books and articles? I learn SO MUCH from him. In my eyes, he is my absolute favorite dating and relationships writer. Alan is number one."

God bless your heart ... and my ego.