In 1842, Moses Cleaveland sailed the Cuyahoga River blue. No, he didn't. In 1842, Moses Cleaveland established the Cleaveland Plain Dealer amongst the plains of what would become known as Cleveland, Ohio. No, he didn't. I'm lying. Contrary to popular belief, Moses Cleveland had nothing to do with the emergence of any sort of newspaper in Cleveland. And the Cuyahoga River was never blue. It practically "blew" one year, but that is a story for another time. Actually, Moses Cleaveland has absolutely nothing to do whatsoever with the city of Cleveland, nor with it's only newspaper. And he most certainly has not approved of his name being associated with the most well known instrument of butcher's and serial killers: the cleaver.
Here are some facts about Moses Cleaveland you may not know:
- Neither he or any of his friends were good at spelling.
- He liked beer so much that the Great Lakes Brewing Company honors his alcoholism with a special brew named Holy Moses White Ale.
- He was quite adept at bribery. Beads and whiskey allowed him to continue his epic trip down and around the Cuyahoga River. Which is not blue.
- Cleaveland was a Freemason. Which means he did not charge for masonry work.
- He established "The Flats" and it's many clubs which promoted what he referred to as "Rock 'n' Roll" symphonies.
- He was indeed named after the cleaver. Just seeing if you're even reading this right now. But ...
- He was indeed named after Moses. Moses Malone that is. And speaking of Moses ... "Get Down Moses" by Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros is a very good song.
- "Get Down Moses" was not written about Moses Malone.
- Moses Cleaveland is cast in stone somewhere in or around Cleveland due to a curse cast upon him by a witchy band promoter awaiting for his one true love to return his heart so he may break free of said curse and once again live as a mortal man.
So there you have it. Everything you ever wanted to know about Moses Cleaveland but were afraid to ask. Honestly, I don't think you did want to know anything about him, as he was quite a small player in the history of Ohio and no one will read this unless I suddenly aquire some smarts when it comes to technology and can send this out to your cell phone so you can look at it while walking down the street with your head down and bumping into me and then I can say "Hey, I wrote that."
P.S. If anyone knows the whereabouts of his one true love, please inform her that he is getting a bit annoyed having waited so long and quite frankly, the pigeons are making an awful mess on his head.