Not every film in 2013 looks or sounds promising. We are dealing with good ol’ Hollywood, after all, which means we will see a plethora of unnecessary sequels; reboots; remakes; and other uninspired flicks.
As you’ll notice, there aren’t any films from August, because this list would simply be too easy to make, if I picked any from that month. The same can be said for the lack of movies from the first three months of the year. Since those months are when Hollywood shovels out the worst of the worst (“Movie 43,” for example), I could have had this list done within an hour. Instead, I decided to do some research.
Here’s a look at what films you should avoid at all costs. However, I still think people will go see some of them.
“Safe Haven” (Release date: Feb. 14, 2013)
Hey, look, it’s another adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel. And it looks EXACTLY like all the other films based on his novels.
But it will do well, since it is being released on Valentine’s Day – a day when all couples go to watch lame, romantic movies.
“G.I. Joe: Retaliation” (Release date: March 28, 2013)
When a studio lies to the public about the reason behind delaying a film, then that film will most likely be a dud. Plus, it’s a sequel to 2009’s “G.I. Joe,” which was a terrible film.
“Temptation” (Release date: March 29, 2013)
This is one of two Tyler Perry films being released this year. “Temptation” is supposed to be serious and dramatic, but it has Kim Khardashian in it. Well, it’s a Tyler Perry film, too, but adding Khardashian just makes it higher on the gag factor.
“Scary Movie 5” (Release date: Apr. 12, 2013)
Haven’t we had enough of this junk?
“Pain & Gain” (Release date: Apr. 26, 2013)
Michael Bay is taking a break from the loud explosions and CGI-fest that is the “Transformers” series. However, he is not taking a break from loud explosions; action scenes; and bullets flying everywhere.
“Pain & Gain” is based on a true story about a trio of bodybuilders who get caught up in an extortion and kidnapping scheme that goes terribly wrong. Dwayne Johnson and Anthony Mackie also star.
It seriously just looks like another Bay film – think “Bad Boys 2.” However, there is no word yet on if it will be two and a half hours long and riddled with ridiculous amounts of blood like that movie.
“The Hangover Part III” (Release date: May 24, 2013)
You would think these guys would learn by now. And I hope people realize it will most likely be a bunch of recycled jokes. Did you see the second one? It was a near carbon copy of the first one – just with darker and more disgusting humor that wasn’t funny.
“The Fast and the Furious 6” (Release date: May 24, 2013)
Fast cars, hot babes, and stuff going boom. Yep, it’s another cash grab from this uninspired franchise. Of course, these are big money makers, so if you’re a fan, you are just going to ignore me.
“After Earth” (Release date: June 7, 2013)
If you haven’t done any research on this movie, you would probably have no idea that it is a film by M. Night Shyamalan. Yes, the same guy who gave us “The Sixth Sense;” “Unbreakable;” “Signs;” “The Village;” “Lady in the Water;” “The Happening;” and “The Last Airbender” is directing this movie, but his name is not mentioned in the trailer. The last time his name was mentioned in a trailer (“Devil,” for which he executive produced), there was a collection of laughter and boos from the audience, when his name came up in the trailer at a screening I attended.
“After Earth” has Shyamalan stepping away from the horror genre for the second time. Here, he casts Will Smith and son Jaden in a futuristic action piece about a father and son who return to Earth that has not had any human presence in 1,100 years.
Here’s the thing, though: The trailer doesn’t make it look like a bad movie. I just have a fear that it will be a complete letdown, since Shyamalan’s films haven’t been very good since “Signs.”
“World War Z” (Release date: June 21, 2013)
This production has been in trouble for a long time. After seeing the trailer, that features a ton of CGI zombies, I think I’ll pass. You’d be better off reading Max Brooks’ novel on which this is based.
“The Lone Ranger” (Release date: July 3, 2013)
Gore Verbinski is becoming the next Tim Burton, it seems. Every time Verbinski has a new project, his first step is to get a hold of Johnny Depp.
“The Lone Ranger” has Depp as Tonto (yes, you read that right), and Armie Hammer as the ranger. They’re both talented actors, but they should know better than to do something so ludicrous.
“Grown Ups 2” (Release date: July 12, 2013)
Have people grown tired of Adam Sandler’s juvenile humor yet? I guess not. Apparently, people really enjoyed the first “Grown Ups” – or at least that’s what Hollywood thinks – so here comes a sequel.
“The Smurfs 2” (Release date: July 31, 2013)
Is anyone really interested in seeing CGI Smurfs running around New York again? I thought not.
The “Star Wars” prequels 3D rereleases
“Attack of the Clones” (Release date: Sept. 20, 2013)
“Revenge of the Sith” (Release date: Oct. 4, 2013)
Technically, these aren’t “new” films – they’re just being rereleased with post-production 3D. When it comes to films that are rereleased, those tend to be classics being brought back for an anniversary edition. In the case of the “Star Wars” prequels, “Revenge of the Sith” was at least watchable, but “Attack of the Clones” is not one I’d see again. So, no, neither of them are really considered “classic films” – not even close. They’re just being rereleased for the sake of earning more money.
“Paranormal Activity 5” (Oct. 25, 2013)
It’s the new “Saw.” They’re so cheap to make, and enough people go see them that the studio just constantly beats the dead horse. I enjoyed the first one, but I didn’t care too much for the second. After that, I just didn’t bother even watching and neither should you.
“The Best Man 2” (Release date: Nov. 15, 2013)
Apparently, there was a 1999 film called “The Best Man.” Has anyone else heard of it before this? Yeah, I thought not. A sequel to a film that’s 14 years old is usually not a good sign, either.
“Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas” (Release date: Dec. 13, 2013)
Tyler Perry again!! And again, he’s dressing in drag to play a character that only a few people love. This time, Madea is ringing in the holidays with her family. Of course, I don’t see many people going to this one, since it’s up against “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.”
Special mention:
“The Bronx Bull” (Release Date: TBA 2013)
This was originally called “Raging Bull 2.” But that title enraged a lot of fans of the original – including me. OK, it wasn’t just the title; it was the idea of making an unnecessary sequel to one of the greatest films of all time. So, the studio has given it a whole new title, but that doesn’t mean the idea still sounds like a very bad one.
And if you haven’t seen “Raging Bull,” you need to fix that right now.
I’m pretty sure there are a lot of other films that sound like bad ideas, but it’s brutal to go through a whole year’s worth of films to figure out what is going to suck. But these are the ones that look, or sound, incredibly awful.
Click here for my list of the most anticipated films of 2013.
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