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The Bachelorette Recap: Attorney Andi becomes a judge, picking from 25 bachelors

Just your typical first date...
Just your typical first date...
Photo Courtesy of ABC

Chris Harrison probably should have prefaced this episode with his traditional superlative - As this will probably be “the most normal/boring season of The Bachelorette. Ever.”

The recipe book for a juicy Bachelorette season, calls for a requisite:

- One part baggage

- Two parts crazy

- Nine parts manipulative and tricky editing by ABC

Despite ABC’s adeptness in film editing, in the end, Andi cannot masquerade her innate normality. In life, this is a good characteristic; for The Bachelorette, this may render banality.

Although this may be the most boring season, it definitely starts off the saddest. Chris Harrison begins by paying tribute to contestant, Eric, who passed away during the filming of this season. They show a montage of him traveling around the world looking handsome and happy. He has photos being in every country. I can’t name a country he didn’t have a photo in. That’s not saying much, considering I can name about 7 countries.

I don’t remember how they make the transition, but next we are inundated with visions of Andi as a crime-fighting attorney. In reality, she is dressed like a mall rent-a-cop. As she describes her journey of love and the things she must give up, she is symbolically filmed taking down a “State of Georgia” certificate in a plastic frame, which I can only imagine is attempting to convey she is leaving behind her long career (6 months) of being an attorney to go find love. The truest sacrifice.

She discusses other things about her past and Juan Pablo, but it is hard to concentrate with her wearing that denim jacket. For some reason it’s really throwing me off.

We are reunited with her parents, who have been together 30 years. Andi is 27, in case anyone was doing the math. Andi speaks with her parental units about how “falling in love should be fun!” Right, fun. Tell that to the 298 failed contestants, bachelors, and bachelorettes from this show. Andi says goodbye to her parents and claims, “Next time you see me, there will be two guys!” … a girl and a pizza place?

Perhaps ABC is cutting down on their budget because Andi then goes to attain a wardrobe from a boutique or thrift shop-like store in Los Angeles. Which, to be fair, a thrift shop in Los Angeles is like a Prada in Georgia.

She leaves her mini shopping spree and legitimately speeds past everyone on the freeway. Can we get some law enforcement up in here? She should know that no one is above the law. Andi does a photo shoot standing in front of law library books, holding a rose. Somewhere her law degree is burning in shame.

[Meanwhile, former bachelorette, Des, is now doing commercials for Suave. Good things do come from this show.]

Andi arrives to her little mansion in LA. She changes her outfit for no reason and then her sister comes to visit for “emotional support.” Andi gushes how she going to “kiss” guys on national television. We all know what that means from Juan Pablo’s season. She tells Andi how proud she is of her. Yeah, put away that law degree. Let’s get an MRS degree.

Andi gets dressed and heads to the mansion where she will meet her men. She explains how she is ready and says, “I can see the end because I am finally starting my beginning.” I can’t tell if that sounds like something out of a fortune cookie, a quote from Winnie the Pooh, or a bad Hilary Duff song lyric. Just kidding, no such thing as a bad Hilary Duff song. Also, upon reflection, that quote makes zero sense to me.

Limo Exits:

Naturally, some were so uncomfortable I chugged my wine. But, it could have been worse… I could have been drinking vodka.

Marcus: Sports Medicine Manager who is so nervous that he shakes and says nothing of substance.

Chris: Farmer from Iowa looking for a hoe. A hoe lot of love! Excited to be here and tells Andi, “You’re the reason I’m here.” Yeah, you and the free crab cakes. See you inside!

JJ: The self-proclaimed pantsapreneur. Wish he had worn shorts for irony. He was giggling. Literally giggling.

Marquel: The Sponsorship Salesman. I hope he stays on long enough to explain what that means. He tells Andi that he is “just here to compliment her” and that he would “come in second.” She seems rather indifferent and says, “Oh please, you won’t be second.” … or third… or fourth. Maybe fifth.

Tasos: The wedding event coordinator. He wears an earring. He wants to go to Lovers Bridge in Paris- that environmentally friendly place you put a lock on a bridge and throw the key into the water like trash. He recreates it with Andi and I’m curious how he knew there would be a solid place to put a lock. That takes some forethought. I’d be like, “Uhhhh, here, let’s lock this lock to this… very sturdy leaf…” Then the leaf would break and when I threw the key in the fountain it would bounce off of something protruding and land on the cold concrete. Some people call me a pessimist.

Cody: A personal trainer who pretends the limo broke down so he can push it up the driveway. Andi tells him that she is a little worried that he is out of breath on that short little push. I already don’t enjoy this guy. I wouldn’t mind if I never saw him again. Unless my car breaks down.

Stephen: The Snow Board Product Developer who I have developed a crush on based solely on his bio. He looks like an older Justin Bieber mixed with Jim from The Office. Based on his hair, she asks if he is a “Cali boy” and then continues to ask stereotypical questions about if he surfs, lives on a beach, and says she is “stoked” to meet him.

Rudie: A fellow attorney who claims he is going to go with “a little fun attorney humor.” Fun attorney humor? That’s an oxymoron. Like “jumbo shrimp” or “successful Bachelorette season.” Regardless, he then tells Andi, “I know that in criminal law you do voluntary 4th waivers...” I actually had to re-watch the next part and press pause because the waiver reads that Andi is entitled to make an unwarranted search of Rudie’s story about being an attorney, surfer, and (I kid you not), “a muscian.” No mention of Andi’s ability to do a search on his past spelling tests.

Carl: A fire fighter from Fort Lauderdale who gives Andi a globe. No flames to put out here. Chemistry = nonexistent.

Jason: The Urgent Care Physician. You know it’s going to be awkward because of the music ABC plays in the background. It’s almost like a warning. He tells her that he is a doctor who has a special skill of diagnosing someone just by looking at them. Predictably, he tells her that she has a fever because she looks hot. I’m bored, and now I just want more cowbell.

Nick V: Software Sales Executive who seems like a normal guy. She compliments his polka dot tie, gives him an up-and-down elevator look and says, “You can wear a suit.” Or you could not wear a suit. Your choice. Wink.

Dylan: Accountant who is so nervous he forgets everything. Maybe he’s not good with words; he is an accountant. If a future date involves spreadsheets we will really see him excel.

Patrick: Advertising Executive who steps out of the limo and kicks a soccer ball at her… when she is wearing a dress and heels. He tells her, “I play soccer, but I am nothing like the last guy” referring to Juan Pablo. True, Patrick is taller, has darker hair, and ABC didn’t need to utilize subtitles to understand what he was saying.

Emil: Helicopter pilot. His name is pronounced “anal” with an “m.’’ He tells her that. On national television. Hope this guy makes it to the end. Props for saying “anal” on national television within the first 3 seconds.

Brett: From the first 2 seconds, ABC’s music hints this is going to be awkward. [Cue me sitting up and grabbing wine.] Brett is a hairstylist. He was told to never greet a lady empty handed, therefore brings a lamp from the hotel. Andi is oddly concerned about returning the lamp to the Sheraton. I love lamp. But I don’t love this guy.

Craig: He likes to hug.

Ron: From Nashville, but originally from Barbados.

Bradley: Opera singer who wants to serenade her later. Hope he stays long enough to see that. He trips on the way out.

Josh B.: Telecommunications Marketer who has a normal conversation. C’mon, what are paying for; I could see this at my local bar.

Nick S.: Pro golfer who shows up in a golf cart. Sub par entrance.

Brian: Basketball Coach. Tells Andi that he tied his tie six times. It’s still crooked.

Andrew: Social Media Marketer. Andrew and Andi- well, that would be adorable. I mean, #adorable.

Mike: Bartender who wants to imagine this is a natural setting by pretending that he didn’t just come out of a limo, but rather, saw her in a public setting. Okay, well I would like to pretend that you don’t look exactly like a human version of the villain from The Incredibles, but some things aren’t possible, buddy.

Eric: An explorer who travels the world for work. Went to Peru and while in the Andes Mountains, a little girl gave him the two dolls to deliver to his girlfriend, which he gifts to Andi. Okay, that was adorably painful.

Josh M.: Baseball player. She digs him. Home run.

Cocktail Party:

I’m not sure how everyone isn’t blacked out because that seems like the only logical solution to an uncomfortable situation combined with an open bar.

She greets the group of men and says, “y’all” about 7 times.

She speaks with Josh M. and announces to camera that he is her type. Yeah, he’s everyone’s type. I think some of the guys in the house are even attracted to him and I’m pretty sure I saw Chris Harrison check him out. Andi is a bit wary of him and if he is genuine. She comments, “Obviously he’s my type, but obviously there’s a reason I’m single.” Astute observation.

Marquel claims that no one in the house can match him when it comes to cookies. I feel like the software guy just pushed up his glasses somewhere and said, “Did someone say cookies?” I also have hopes that the Cookie Monster would walk in and just punch Marquel in the face.

Anyways, Marquel makes Andi eat about 67,900 calories worth of cookies. Then he puts particular emphasis on the black and white cookie and I feel like I’m watching a scene from Save the Last Dance.

The pantsapreneur gives her a heinous pair of pants that is made out of the fabric of the first pair of pants he made. I have no idea how he is still in business.

Tasos is less annoying than I thought. He likes language and speaks French to her. Specifically, he says, “I would like juice with ice cubes.” Chuckle.

Nick explains how he has 10 siblings. You can almost see Andi clench her legs together thinking, “That’s not happening…”

The guys size each other up and try to act tough. Andrew tries to sound all bro-like by saying, “The gamut of dudes I’ve met out there is not intimidating.” You can’t sound tough when you incorporate vocabulary that includes, “gamut.”

Party Crasher:

A special guest/stalker decides to show up to the cocktail party. I had to Google him because he looked so unfamiliar, yet the show was treating him like someone we should know. Chris Harrison informs Andi that Chris from Emily’s season is here, wanting to meet her. He also tells her he was on The Bachelor Pad. I can only assume as a hint that he probably has an STD now.

Two security guards watch Chris (not Harrison) and make sure he doesn’t move. It all seems a little intense. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison informs Andi that Chris would like to vie for her heart. She denies him. Chris Harrison seems pleased.

Chris (not Harrison) claims that he has been on the lot for 7 days alone. He didn’t know when they were filming so he just waited. This went from almost romantic to genuinely creepy. He refuses to leave. I’m sure Rudie could issue a restraining order. Or a 4th voluntary waiver. With a lot of misspellings.

First Impression Rose:

Goes to Nick, the really normal guy- the software sales executive. All about the polka dot tie.

We say farewell to:

Stephen: The stoked Cali boy.

Emil: Or “Anal”… what a bummer.

Mike: Bartender. Well, ya.

Rudie: Other attorney. Objection! Sustained.

Jason: Urgent care doctor who I’ve decided he looks like the eldest Hansen brother mixed with the Green Goblin (Willem Dafoe).

Josh B.: Cries with anger. Barely looks at her and claims it is stupid. Then he complains how he has to call his parents to tell them… plus he needs a ride from the airport.

Previews of the season look pretty typical. Different countries. Helicopters. Love. Fighting. However, it appears they might ride the Harry Potter Hogwarts’s train.

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