I believe with each episode of The Bachelor, I learn a new, useful nugget of information that I can truly take with me and put in my back pocket. A life lesson for the road, if you will. This week’s lesson: Humidity does not do ANY ONE ANY FAVORS. Good lord, Ben’s mini afro this week nearly out shined Blakeley’s boobs. But no matter how much hair he has, he can never hide Courtney’s crazy.
The gang travels from Park City, Utah to Vieques, Puerto Rico. Chris Harrison explains to us that although there will be fewer Mormons in Puerto Rico there will be more date time. Each girl will get the opportunity to go on either a group date or a one-on-one date with our fine Benjamin. However, if they have the chance to go on a one-on-one date, the girls must pack their bags because if they do not receive a rose, they will immediately be sent on a flight home. How is this not a red flag for immigrations? Being in a country for less than 24 hours. I imagine this to be on 20/20 in no time. The Bachelor: World’s greatest secret drug trafficking scheme.
First Date: Nicki survives the rain
Nicki, the girl who “thrives in group settings” receives the first one-on-one date. The card is written in Spanish and read in the worst Spanish accent my ears have ever audibly perceived. I can’t decipher if it is being read in English, Spanish, Spanglish or just that annoying screeching noise that Jim Carrey makes in Dumb and Dumber. Despite the poor Spanish translation, Nicki somehow figures out that she has to get ready for her date with Ben.
All the other girls lie out in the sun as Nicki gets pretty for her date. Screw that. If I were on this show I would pray my name wasn’t called. Then I could sit outside on a beach with a mai tai and poke my Courtney voodoo doll.
A helicopter comes to pick up Ben and Nicki, (naturally) to fly to Old San Juan. Nicki is ecstatic about the opportunity to fall in love in “this beautiful Puerto Rico.” She obviously stutters and defaults to referring to it as “this Puerto Rico” because she is unsure if it is a country, city or state. But let’s be real, we were never under the naive impression that this show hired based on intelligence.
Nicki and Ben walk around Old San Jose, which in Nicki’s defense, is beautiful. She happily gushes that it is so perfect as if “God is smiling down on us right now.” Literally 3 seconds later (and by “literally” I mean, “due to ABC’s editing”) it starts to pour. The rain is not even slightly drizzling. It is torrential downpour. Either way it is comically symbolic of God’s tears and also not a good day to wear white.
Both Ben and Nicki act as if this rain is the biggest adversity they have ever encountered. Yet, despite this tragic and life-altering rain, they somehow manage to continue their date and really pull through. If everyone reacted the way they did to rain, no one would ever accomplish anything. People in Seattle would wake up notice it’s raining and go right back to bed.
Ben brilliantly decides that they need to go shopping for new “authentic Puerto Rican clothes” a.k.a. stereotypical, borderline racist clothes. He may not be the quickest thinker because by the time they are shopping they are both completely dry. They try on a variety of outfits and Ben leaves with an all-white outfit that seems to accentuate his unfortunate hair. Nicki still finds him “muy caliente” but pronounces it “mooooo-ey caliente.” I’m sure her 8th grade Spanish teacher is shaking his head in disappointment. Que triste.
Then the two dine and talk about how Nicki was previously married but never lived with the guy before marriage... who does that? I feel like it is a known necessity to live with a guy so that you learn everything he does that makes you want to kill him. Then you realize you can never change him and then you get married. Isn’t that love? I dunno, I’m really not an expert on this.
Somehow Ben and Nicki come across a wedding. Nicki becomes emotional as it reminds her of her previous marriage and Ben looks nostalgic as if remembering the time he was rejected on national television. All natural thoughts when witnessing a wedding. Nicki comments that watching this wedding is “really surreal” but she pronounces is “cereal.” I can’t really mock her because I immediately want Captain Crunch. They also have a conversation during the wedding scene, but I only paid attention to the bride, her dress and the poor grandma that was trying so fervently to get her train straight for at least 4 minutes.
Overall Nicki seems to really like Ben. She wants that romantic connection again because she reminisces about being in love. She claims “I loved being in love.” Who hates being in love? Besides ice cream haters and puppy haters. She feels that she really opened up to Ben (during those 19 minutes) and thinks that her “whole past is understood” by Ben now. At first I doubted how much knowledge someone could acquire about a person in such a short time, but then I just realized I wrote at least 7 paragraphs on Nicki and have probably seen a total of 23 minutes of footage of her. So fair enough. Ben looks a little bored on the date, but gives her the rose anyway.
Group Date: “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend... Courtney is not.”
A group date card arrives and lists every girl’s name except for Elyse, which means Elyse will have the final one-on-one date. The date card misleadingly reads that “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” The shiny diamond rings reflecting in all the girls’ eyes are quickly diminished upon arriving via bus to a baseball field.
Ben is excited to be playing baseball because Puerto Rico is known for its baseball (did not know that?) and so they play at a baseball field, which happens to be named, “Roberto Field.” I’m 83% confident that they are subliminally making us think about Roberto every episode. I’m also 99% sure I’m just naturally obsessed with him. And perhaps 67% sure I don’t understand the concept of percentages.
To my surprise the girls are equally excited about sluggin’ some bats, catchin’ some fly balls and buyin’ those peanuts and cracker jacks. (Clearly I know little about baseball). And to the girls’ credit, they are fairly athletic. I wonder if ABC tells the girls to bring cute work out clothes. Because if I were not specifically told to bring some attractive lululemon attire, I would without a doubt show up in my boxers and an ‘Nsync concert t-shirt from 8th grade.
The girls warm up by doing the most impractical stretches and unnecessary lunges. Chris Harrison interrupts their spring training by getting on a megaphone. Chris Harrison with a megaphone? Power couple. Chris, always being the bearer of bad news, tells the girls that they are going to play against each other and the losing team will go home right after the game and miss out on the fun beach party with Ben. Womp womp.
Chris also puts an obscene amount of pressure on Ben by announcing that because there are an odd amount of girls, one girl will play for both teams (somewhere a boy’s head just exploded) and that girl will get to attend the after party no matter who wins. Ben must pick the girl. Each girl gives Ben a death-stare. Ben picks Lindzi. Probably doesn’t want her to run over him with a horse.
Courtney (turtle lips) and Blakeley (big boobs) are assigned as team captains and begin hand-selecting the remaining girls one by one. I can see the awful gym class memories flooding back. Ben can sense their unease and reassures them, “Don’t worry ladies, there are no last picks here...” And as the last girl is picked, “Well, except for you. You should probably just go home.” He didn’t really say that but that’s what I would have said. Survival of the fittest! Darwinism!
The teams are chosen and it is essentially the Courtney team (red) versus the Blakeley team (blue). I don’t know at what point I started to feel bad for Blakeley/kind of like her, but I do. I’m Team Blakeley! And yes, I just lost a substantial amount of respect for myself for even writing that. But Blakeley clearly has experience playing baseball or softball... or just throwing things really hard. Courtney is obviously jealous of her skills. She admits Blakeley has a solid skill set but then adds, “Who knew strippers could play baseball?” Hey! She is a VIP Cocktail waitress thank you very much! God, in juxtaposition, Courtney can really make you like anyone. Who would have thought I’d be defending the stripper…
After an intense game that was originally intended to be light-hearted and quick 2-inning match, the red team (Courtney) wins. Based on the losing team’s reaction you would have thought they just heard the most devastating news ever. Like the world was ending, or Thin Mints will no longer be a Girl Scout cookie.
Blakeley, who was probably the MVP of the game, is furious. She scolds her team about their poor performance. I pray for her future children and the sports they may be forced to participate in. The winning team pops some champagne and then hops on a helicopter to the party. At least they didn’t rub it in their face.
Courtney thinks the losing team is being ridiculous. After all, “they had their shot at the title.” The “title?” The day that a Bachelor-arranged sport becomes referred to as something as serious as a “title,” is a sad, sad day. Courtney cockily notes that “winning is awesome” and that she hopes Blakeley throws up. Ok that’s just mean-spirited.
The winning team, in a way loses, because now they have to go to this party instead of ice their weary bodies. The girls all walk into the party limping as if they have pulled every muscle in their body. Some people say that couples start to look alike after awhile. Courtney takes this to heart and decides to look as much like Ben as possible by parting her hair directly down the center and pushing the rest of her hair flat.
Ben has some pretty deep conversations and explains how he is afraid he will love someone and they won’t love him back and that he “doesn’t want to come up empty.” Ben talks to Kacie B. (sweet girl who always has a different hair style) and I think she is still a front runner. He gives her and her hair (also not doing well with the humidity) the rose. Courtney considers Kacie to be the biggest competition and therefore, insults her. She claims that Kacie is “only 24 and doesn’t have world experience.” Courtney is 28, and probably spent 4 of those years in modeling school while Kacie probably fed starving children in Africa.
Courtney steals Ben away and says she “needs some affection.” Can Ben not see the red sirens spinning around his head screaming “WARNING WARNING NEEDY NEEDY”...? They kiss on the beach and Courtney tries to get him to go skinny dipping with her. Gross. I actually would prefer if I never saw either of them naked.
Final Date: Elyse...who?
Seriously. Who is this chick? Has she been in previous episodes? “Elyse” if that is her real name, gets ready for her date with Ben by packing/shoving all her belongings haphazardly in a suitcase. Courtney has no confidence in Elyse and thinks she will be sent home. Courtney feels remiss in not getting her phone number, as she “could really use a personal trainer.” Oh, so I guess Elyse is a personal trainer…? And Courtney is a jerk.
Side note: How much camera footage exists of Courtney just talking nonsense? The producers must give her some wine, turn on the camera and just say, “Ok, and talk! Tell us again how you think charity work is a crime!”
Ben takes Elyse on a private boat. Boats hold a special place in his heart because when he had his date with Ashley on a boat he decided that is “where all his feelings changed.” Some call it the love bug, some call it sea sickness. Call me a pessimist.
I’m not entirely paying attention to their conversation because 1) I don’t really know who this girl is and 2) There is one long stray bundle of hair that is caught in her earring. How hard is it for a cameraman to just reach over, move the hair and say, “You’ll thank me later...”
Elyse admits that she has given up everything to be here. Psh, get in line. If I were to ever subject myself to being on this show, I would never admit to giving up anything to be there. I would lie and say my boss made me take the time off and my friends are paying me to be here. Otherwise being sent home is just embarrassing. Which we will witness very shortly.
Ben and Elyse jump from the boat into the water. It’s a pretty far jump. This is adventurous on the surface, but impractical. Jumping in the water is only going to make Elyse lose her bathing suit top and then cause her mascara to run all down her face. So when she finally does reach the surface, she is half-naked and looks like the Loch Ness monster surfacing from the depths of the ocean with all the makeup down her face.
They eat dinner on the beach and Elyse is amazed on the beautiful view and intricate setup. She likens it to “something you only see in the movies.” Or something millions of Americans watch at least once a week during the airing of this show. Did I say they were eating dinner? I meant to say they were getting ready for high school prom. Ben is wearing a tuxedo and bowtie. His hair is perfectly puffed due to humidity and precisely parted. He looks about 18 years-old.
Then true to his age, he awkwardly picks up the rose and then proceeds to tell Elyse all the reasons why he can’t give her the rose. That’s like picking up candy and explaining to a child all the reasons they can’t have it. Elyse is visibly upset and Ben has to walk her back along the beach in silence. They say goodbye and the way the scene is filmed it looks like Elyse is just walking into the water to go drown herself. Then 4 seconds later we are shown the dinghy waiting for her. That must be an awkward ride back:
Dinghy driver: So... how’d it go...?
Elyse: Nooooooo he hates me what did I do wrong?!?!
Dinghy driver: Please stop crying.
Elyse: I will never be loved!!!
Dinghy driver: Ma’am please don’t jump off the boat. God I hate my job.
To add the (in)appropriate dramatic effect, Ben walks along the sandy shore and then drops the wilted rose into the ocean water like the old lady drops the necklace in Titanic.
Ben walks home alone like a sad puppy only to find that Courtney is there waiting for him by his front door only wearing a robe and champagne in hand. Totally normal and attractive thing to do. Not.
Courtney just thinks she is the bee’s knees and irresistible to Ben. She seductively walks with Ben to the beach to encourage the skinny dipping. She thinks he is in for a real treat and says, “I don’t know if he’s ever skinny dipped with a model before…” And vomit.
Ben knows that skinny dipping with her “probably isn’t a good idea” but justifies it by adding that Courtney went through all the trouble and “took the time to magically appear on his steps.” Meaning she walked 9 feet between rooms. They stand there on the beach awkwardly and Courtney asks, “Should I take my robe off?” Ben chugs his wine.
Then they go in completely naked in the water, swim, straddle and kiss. Pretty sure a baby Ben was conceived on national television.
Cocktail Party:
The usual things happen. Jenna thanks Ben for their date the other night. As if he planned, prepared and paid for it. Blakeley becomes a little bit desperate and describes how much she likes Ben and unfortunately added, “Everyday I write down something about you.” A little stalkerish.
Dear Diary,
Today Ben parted his hair perfectly down the middle. He’s so dreamy.
Love,
Blakeley
Ps: Devise plan to ruin Courtney’s life
Overall, Blakeley’s conversation with him is just a little sad and shows she has low self-confidence.
Somehow ABC films a staged conversation with the girls talking about skinny dipping. How random. Or staged. Courtney keeps saying how much she loves skinny dipping because it is “skin on skin… and slippery.” I now have images of her and Ben that are forever engrained in my poor brain.
Emily continues to dig her own grave. She tells Ben she is sorry for bringing up Courtney’s satanic –like qualities and that she is just going to move on and only think of Ben and not preoccupy herself with Courtney. Then within 12 seconds she begins a diatribe on all the reasons Courtney is a horrible human being. Ben is annoyed and calls her out on it. Emily runs back to the girls claiming that Ben hates her.
Rose Ceremony:
Nicki and Kacie B. have roses so Ben gives the remaining roses to:
Lindzi: Horse fanatic who gets very little screen time even though she’s cute
Jamie: I think she’s a nurse, but also think she is never on camera
Rachel: Seriously who are these girls?
Courtney: Turtle lips who got naked with Ben
Casey S.: How is she still on this show? How did she even get on it?
Blakeley: Receives rose and then immediately goes to write in her diary
Emily: Ph.D. student who is not all that smart as she continues to bring up how she hates Courtney to Ben. Pretty sure Ben isn’t hating Courtney right now. As she carries his child.
Meaning, our Jenna and token redhead is sent home. She tells Ben, “It’s ok, I completely understand.” And then she begins to hiccup sob. I can’t understand her. Subtitles needed.
Next week they head to Panama City, Panama.
The end clip shows a deleted scene from Nicki’s date. They are in a bathtub of chocolate playing with whipped cream. What could be a very romantic and sexual thing is turned into the most asexual and platonic activity between Ben and Nicki. It looks like they are brother and sister sitting in a bathtub of chocolate. Why you would ever sit in a tub with your brother or sister, I don’t know. But they could have been related.
Who is still watching? Are you with me?
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