WELCOME TO JUANPABLOUARY! It is going to be juan very exciting season as we watch Juan Pablo narrow down all the women til there is only juan left. On the Countdown to Juan Pablo, Chris Harrison jualks us through ABC’s process to find the perfect balance between hot and desperate. Bonus points if you can jula-joop.
Then they pay homage to Gia. I wonder if she would have said anything differently if she knew her bachelor confessionals were going to be used in this way. They show some clips of her friends from the Bachelor saying nice things about her after she passed. It was nice. But I think it would have made for better TV if they showed clips of the girls talking about her candidly in the confessionals during her season. Maybe not.
Now for the real episode.
I THINK Juan Pablo has a kid named Camila Valentina, pronounced Cameela Valenteena, born on Febraury 14th, but I’m not SURE. IT’S NOT CLEAR.
Sean Lowe's ghost of season’s past shows up at Juan Pablo’s house to spread his seed. He teaches Juan Pablo some kissing techniques and Juan Pablo teaches Sean how to salsa. Then Juan Pablo showers.
And then, we embark on Juan Pablo’s adventura.
The red carpet:
The first one out of the limo is Amy L. Lady in red. Her smile bothers me. I’m not sure if she’s even smiling, maybe her face is just shaped that way. Who’s to say?
Next is Cassandra. She’s awkward. Or maybe the music makes it seem more awkward than it really is… and the fact that ABC plays a cricket soundtrack during any lulls. Maybe they’re real crickets. But maybe ABC planted them there.
Then Christy. I doubt she’s really a marketing “manager” at age 24. I bet she’s just like, an account manager… Cool white dress, and white tiara, and white eye shadow, and white jewelry, and by white I mean unappetizing.
Christine lady in green. She sounds Mexican so at least her and Juan Pablo have that in common.
Nikki the nurse. She looks kind of like Ali Fedotowsky.
Kat is another lady in red. The salsa dancing was a good move until she asked Juan Pablo to dance with her more when he gets inside... This isn’t a dancing show KAT. But apparently she smells good.
I wish I could sniff her.
Next on the scene is Chantel, representing the black population.
Then Victoria. Do Brazilian people speak Portuguese? Now I’m confused.
Then there’s barefoot Lucy. Dear Lucy, BAREFOOT IS NOT THE OPPOSITE OF HIGH HEELS. IT’S CALLED FLATS LUCY. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY VAGINAS HAVE BEEN SMEARED ON THAT MANSION FLOOR, AND ARE NOW ALL OVER YOUR FEET? PROBABLY MORE THAN WE THINK.
Also, Lucy’s profession is “free spirit.” That’s not a JOB, LUCY…
Although, I’m pretty sure Lucy works at a clothing store because she was working at a clothing store the day Chris Harrison came to visit her. Unless she was just shopping, with all the money she makes being a FREE SPIRIT.
And can I just point out… the first thing Lucy said, after she jumped onto Chris Harrison like a rabinous koala bear, was that she just ate bacon.
1.) TMI LUCY
2.) Hippies don’t eat bacon… hippies are a vegan.
Whatever Lucy. Next is Danielle, representing the racially ambiguous but most likely black population.
Then there’s Lauren S. strolling in on a moving piano...This is worse than the time Robyn did a back handspring down the red carpet and landed on her head. Juan Pablo gives Lauren S. a disapproving look when she hits the wrong key. Then she doesn't even introduce herself before going inside. Her music speaks for itself. So does her crystal belt.
Next, Chelsie the teacher. Did she just say she’s a teacher… for a science museum? What a silly made-up career.
Valerie the exotic farm girl, and a self-proclaimed pretty girl looks like a sluttier version of Nikki Reed’s role in the movie Thirteen. Kind of.
Elise smells good apparently. But she’s too fat to be on this show. Not too fat for life, just for the show. Proof: only a person too fat for the show would say, “we have so many things in common” to someone they've never met.
Then Ashley the other teacher. Opening with a gold star sticker to place on Juan Pablo’s lapel. Surprise twist: it's a six-point star, welcome to Auschwitz.
Next is Clare.. Clare says she can speak Spanish, and to prove it she says “Buenos Aires,” I don’t think that COUNTS Clare. Then Clare fakes a pregnancy. That's worse than when Lindsay wore a wedding dress.
Clare looks like Rachael Harris kind of.
There's Alli the nanny who plays soccer on a mens team.
Amy J., a self-proclaimed artist of the body.
Renee, the single mommy. Makes me tired just typing it.
Lauren H., who says she’s 25 but she’s giving me a 35-year-old vibe. So we’ll see what happens with that.
WHY… is Lauren H. a mineral coordinator? What does that entail?
“This is the pile of the blue minerals, and this is the pile of the green minerals… all the other colored minerals are in one big pile because I didn't have enough room on my desk to make separate piles for all the different colors.”
Maggie, lady in rube-y red. Get it? Cause she’s rube, and she’s wearing red... She brought a fish hook with her, and she’s never been on an airplane… Her voice.
And then, a dog that insisted on coming. That dog is so cute, but you can’t bring dogs to the bachelor mansion, Kelly, the fourth lady in red.
Why is everyone wearing red? MAYBE... because that salsa dancer emjoi wears a red dress, and they think Juan Pablo likes that emoji because he’s Mexican.
Then there's Lacy, who has 13 siblings, so she’s probably Mormon if I had to guess. Cool rhinestone prom dress Mormon Lacy. I’m sure Juan Pablo appreciates those red hots you brought him to cure the headache you accused him of having.
Then Alexis… who’s eyes are black. I’ve never seen such little black eyes. Except for in the movie Coroline.
Kylie, a less attractive version of Kate Walsh.
Then Sharlene, a big dull dud that sings opera. I can tell that me and Sharlene are not going to be friends.
Then there’s the prosecutor named Andi… more like… Melissa Fumero. It’s uncanny, Not that anyone knows who Melissa Fumero is... Whatever.
Nikki opens with “what do you want to know about me?” Stop assuming Juan Pablo wants to know anything about you, NIKKI. HE DOESN'T WANT TO. HE HATES YOU. Nikki kind of looks like a young, blonde Becky Brandt… I see it.
Renee and Juan Pablo talk about their kids. Put on some eyeliner, Renee. This is your one shot to wear eyeliner and you blew it.
Then Lucy sits on Juan Pablo’s lap with her dumb flowers and her vagina feet. What a crazy slut.
Amy J. brought a massage table with her and she makes sure Juan Pablo can see her cleavage through the face-hole. This is so weird Amy J. Pervert.
Amy J. said she saw something in Juan Pablo that she knows she could see for the rest of her life. What does that even MEAN even? It means nothing.
I think the worst thing that can happen to someone on the Bachelor, is when someone else has your name, and you have to go by your first name and last name initial.
Chantel tells Juan Pablo that when she found out he was the bachelor she was screaming in her apartment. I wouldn't have told him that.
How many women can have the same personality? Remarkable.
Kylie is ugly, physically and emotionally.
Lauren H., it’s WAY too soon to be crying. If I got stuck comforting Lauren H. I would kill myself. Or I would walk away while she was talking. Either or.
Also, why does Lauren H. keep saying “engaged to be married.” You can get the same point across by just saying “engaged.” Lauren H. says 18 things to Juan Pablo and Juan Pablo says no things back. Lauren H. kind of looks like Kendra On Top.
Juan Pablo and Andi have a juanderful conversation about sending criminals to jail.
Why is Sharlene so weird? Why does Juan Pablo give her the first impression rose even though she made a jorrible first impression and she hates him. Why does she hate him? Their conversation seemed nice.
Go figure, the one person that’s not interested.
Her response to the first impression rose: “Seriously? *long pause* Sure. Thank you sir." God, she’s the worst… She keeps calling Juan Pablo sir. I hope she dies.
The rose ceremony:
Molly the dog is the only one that doesn't look like an orphan puppy waiting to be adopted. How ironic.
I’m forgetting about Sharlene, who looks utterly furious.
Clare the fake pregnancy lady gets the first rose of the ceremony.
Nikki the nurse get the next one.
Renee the mom gets the next one. Renee kind of looks like Colbie Calait, She also kind of looks like Leelee Sobieski.
Chantel, who I’m surprised isn't screaming.
Lauren S., the traveling one-man-band.
Kelly and her dog get a rose.
Ew, Chelsie. I don’t want to rush into anything, but I can tell that I hate Chelsie the most.
Then there’s Kylie, who thought Juan Pablo said Kylie, but he didn’t , he said Kat. Then she jokingly asked if he could take both of them, except she wasn't joking and Juan Pablo said no.
...Lucy. I hate Lucy the most.
It would be funny if Kylie walked up again when Juan Pablo said Liz.
Last but not least, Amy L. Not to be confused with Amy J.
Amy J. the massage perv goes home. SHOCKING. Maybe you shouldn't molest strangers, AMY J.
I think Kylie could have had a better chance if she didn't purposely tuck half of her hair behind her ear. Or maybe if her bright red hair didn't clash with her bright pink dress.
Lacy kind of looks like Blakely from season’s past.
Lauren H. Maybe you shouldn't have cried so much in one day.
Juan Pablo seems very jappy with the remaining suitors.
Who's the girl in the bathroom that says she hopes Juan Pablo dies? What would Camila say about that? How severe is Lucy's foot infection? Will Juan Pablo's English improve at all?
Tune in next week to find out.