O CANADA! Our home and native land! Tonight, Sean takes his nine girlfriends to Lake Louise because nothing screams romance like clear blue water and polygamy. The date card arrives and Catherine gets the first one on one.
“For our date today, I’m not going to pick you up at the hoose, instead you will stand in the frozen tundra and wait a long time for me to show up in a monster truck that I’m not qualified to operate. If you complain aboot your frost bite I’ll know you’re a bad wife.”
Sean assigns Catherine 50 snow angels and 20 somersaults to kill time while Chris Harrison builds them an ice castle. Once complete, they sit in the castle and Catherine tells Sean that she lives everyday to the fullest because a tree can fall on you at any second and you’ll never see it coming because trees fall at the speed of light and as soon as you hear a crack they’ve already hit the ground. After Catherine tells her story about “Kelly” she immediately gets a rose. I’m sure it was sooo hard for everyone to lose “Kelly.”
On the group date, they all kayak across an almost frozen lake and Sean announces that everyone has to jump into it.
“Now technically, I can’t force you to do it, but if you choose not to do it, you’re dead to me. However if you do do it, you might actually die of hypothermia, but f*** it. YOLO. I’m out.”
All the girls agree to do it except for Selma. Selma would do anything for love… but she won’t do that… No, she won’t do that.
They all jump into the water and then run back to the tent. Tierra passes out from all the running so they have to wrap her in extra foil. I’m suddenly craving Chipotle. Tierra is fork lifted to a warm car where she recovers from the cold water. Someone get this girl a giant burger!
To sum up, the girl with the most blubber is the most sensitive to the cold… good one Tierra.
During the second part of the group date, Sara shows Sean some pictures from her childhood to prove that her missing arm is authentic. It’s a reality check for Sean because his baby with Sara might be born with only one arm and he’ll have to change all of its diapers. Next, Sean has some alone time with Tierra and Lindsey and ends up giving the rose to Selma. Just kidding of course, Lesley M gets it.
Sean goes back to his room and has an epiphany that any puppet show worth its salt must have four characters. For that reason alone, Sara has to go. He pulls her aside to break the news so she doesn’t have to wait until the rose ceremony. Note to self: Don’t go on The Bachelor unless you’re Ben’s ex or handicapped. I feel really bad for her, she was a sweetie pie and I’m sure she’ll end up with a 6 that has a great personality and a heart of gold.
Sean and Dezi have the next one on one date together and it's a day of XTREME SPORTS. When they're done K-I-S-S-I-N-G in a tree, they sit by a fire and talk about why Dezi is a happy person even though she was basically homeless growing up. Dezi, if you’re reading this, actual humble people don’t brag about being humble.
Dezi gets the rose because she wants a man that can take care of her family and Sean wants a woman that wants a man to take care of her family and Dezi wants a man that wants a woman that wants a man to take of her family. A MATCH MADE IN ‘EAVEN, YEAH?
During the cocktail party, Selma finally kisses Sean thus abandoning her entire belief system. Lindsey gets some alone time with Sean and tells him that she sleeps naked. AshLee gets some alone time with Sean and tells him to blind fold her and carry her from one couch to the other. It’s a really big step for her to give up so much control to someone else.
“I love every time I kiss Sean, but something about being blindfolded makes me really horny.”
Now for the rose ceremony. Lindsey gets a rose because she promised Sean she’ll have Chris Harrison take a picture of her sleeping naked and she’ll sext it to him, AshLee gets a rose because she’s a kinky slut, and Tierra gets the last rose because Sean thought it would be funny to leave Selma with no rose and no family.
Was Tierra’s burger a cheeseburger or a hamburger? If they’re made of beef, then why are they called hamburgers? Did Sean even thank Chris for making him an ice castle? Make sure you subscribe to my blog for next week's recap.