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The AK-47 and the suburban housewife in Gilbert Arizona who may need one

An American Flag at half mast
An American Flag at half mast
Tracy Lynn Cook

The AK-47 is a selective-fire, gas-operated 7.62×39mm assault rifle, first developed in Russia during the last year of World War II (before Sarah Palin could see them from her house) in 1945.

It was developed to solve the challenge Russians faced when battling German troops who were shooting them with a weapon developed in Nazi Germany. This weapon, created specifically for war, was known as "the machine gun" aka the Sturmgewehr 44. The machine gun was developed when most combat was occurring within 400 meters of those they were trying to shoot. Some weapons shot too far, some not far enough. They solved this challenge by developing a select-fire intermediate powered rifle combining the firepower of a submachine gun with the accuracy and range of a rifle. Poof! Problem solved.

The Soviet Army, not to be outdone, designed the AK-46, and after official military trials, the design was tweaked and again presented to the Soviet Armed Forces for more trials. The AK-47 became the officially accepted weapon of the Soviet Armed Forces in 1949. This model was especially useful in the muddy, wet, cold conditions in Russia.

The original AK-47 was one of the first true "assault rifles" to be manufactured. Six decades later, it remains the most widely used and popular assault rifles in the world. They are reportedly durable, inexpensive to manufacture and easy to use which is exactly why I have three of them. One for upstairs, one for downstairs, and one I keep tucked in both the underwear and the sports bra down the right side of my body (to avoid those awkward bulges). Driving is a simultaneous workout due to the supine plank position required to wear this trendy and popular 'Real B*tches wear guns in their britches' side holster placement. This holster is not intended for those with inadequate gluteal muscles.

In my neighborhood of Gilbert, Arizona suburban housewives may - at some time or another - need an AK-47 in their britches. What happens if, when on a trip to Target, a band of German soldiers appear (within 400 meters)? What if, when going to the grocery store, a herd of wild antelope stampede toward me (also within 400 meters)? In these tough times can we afford to turn down free antelope meat? What about the need for protecting our local crossing guard on the corner of Lakeside and Shoreline drive near the Val Vista Lakes community? She is a very friendly woman who waves at passers by all day. She definitely should be protected from armed soviet troops, and it has been cold and rainy in Gilbert lately. The AK-47 is an ideal choice for these dangerous situations in which my person, or the person of a loved one may potentially become infringed upon.

This time of year, many families are decorating their homes with wicker deer, blowup Santa decorations and plastic snowmen. Residents of the white-ish collar neighborhood certainly have a need for an AK-47 when protecting their christmas decorations from the nefarious neighborhood kids in their certified gangsta lowrider Beemers and Mercedes.

Thank goodness the United States Constitution affords citizens the right to own this handy dandy weapon.

Citizens should be grateful for the protections allowed by the Second Amendment - "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

Citizens should also be grateful for the Fourth Amendment - “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

But… really? Should this weapon be what a suburban housewife whips out of her britches when she hears a noise at night? Should this weapon be sold on E-bay? Can't the restriction of the availability of *this* type of weapon (the assault rifle) co-exist with the second and fourth amendments of the U.S. Constitution? What if, my neighbor gets fed up with those nefarious neighborhood hoodlums and wants to "nuke" them? When is "over-kill" seen as… well… over-kill?


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