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The 24 things I learned from watching "24"

NEW YORK, NY - MAY 02: Kiefer Sutherland attends the '24: Live Another Day' World Premiere at Intrepid Sea on May 2, 2014 in New York City.
NEW YORK, NY - MAY 02: Kiefer Sutherland attends the '24: Live Another Day' World Premiere at Intrepid Sea on May 2, 2014 in New York City.
Photo by Rob Kim/Getty Images

If you’re a fan of the television program “24”, you’re most likely breathing in tense anticipation over how counter-terrorist agent Jack Bauer will get out of his latest fix. Over the last few years, our hero has died and been resurrected, has been left dying, lived as an international fugitive and literally placed on a slow boat to China.

Being a fan of “24” is being a part of a select community. We’re addicted to a cliff-hanger every 15 minutes. The ringtone on our smart phones sound like either a ticking countdown clock or Chloe O’Brien’s extension at CTU. We would dress like Jack Bauer if we didn’t run the risk of getting arrested in public transit stations.

The exploits of Jack and Co. have provided us ardent fans with several teaching moments. Every Bauer-hour has given us many valuable lessons, from hot-wiring a car in five seconds to breaking a tight-lipped terrorist to becoming a de facto cabinet-level adviser to POTUS. And if we’re lucky, we can expose the mole at CTU in the meantime.

Now we realize that not all of us risk our lives in the course or our jobs, but that doesn’t mean we can’t come away with some of Jack’s wisdom. In honor of yet another harrowing day in the life Jack Bauer, here are:

The 24 things I learned from watching “24”:

1. Jack Bauer is always right.

2. If Jack is ever wrong, fate will intervene in order to make him right anyway.

3. Don’t disagree with Jack. It’s a waste of valuable time.

4. You know that smart, sensitive, dreamy guy living across the street? Terrorist.

5. Bill Gates + MacGyver = Chloe O’Brien.

6. Chloe is the only person ever to get snarky with Jack and live.

7. Death penalty appeals can take years, but if Jack calls you a “son of a bitch”, you’ve got one, two hours, tops.

8. You know that cool, up-and-coming hot-shot at CTU? Double-agent.

9. I’ll sleep when I get cold-cocked with a rifle butt, thank you.

10. Jack Bauer broke a woman's heart, once. She's known as "The Lucky One".

11. When facing 5-to-1 odds in a shootout, you can count on a nearby fuel tank to even things up.

12. You can’t run a country and stay married. You just can’t.

13. Though Jack is ready to sacrifice himself for his country at a moment’s notice, you’ll do.

14. When it comes down to it, you really only need one curse word: “DAMMIT!”'

15. Director of CTU – great job if you can keep it.

16. A sleeper hold is Jack’s way of showing he cares.

17. You know that smoking hot chick down the hall? Assassin.

18. Jack Bauer’s x-ray vision is so powerful, he can not only see through the wall, he can also light up the room on the other side.

19. Okay, then: You tell him it’s a two-way mirror.

20. Hacker-girl catfights are soooooo hot.

21. “24” has immortalized the innocent bystander (well, sorta. They always get killed off).

22. Love is: committing treason to save the life of your soulmate.

23. No matter how many times Jack saves the country, Bill Buchanan will still have better hair.

24. The phrase “It’s Jack” can only apply to Jack Bauer. The one guy who broke this rule now has a big white ball for a head.

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