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Texas-haters are actually our best ambassadors

Isn’t it ironic that the people who hate Texas and Texans the most are in many ways our best ambassadors?

Combine Californians with social networking, for example, and you have some real entertainment.

Take the “Kick Texas Out” Facebook group created by Terry Groves of San Francisco the other day. Terry’s stated purpose in starting the group:

Dedicated to removing the boil from the bottom of the United States. Imagine the USA without Texas: no Bushes; no Karl Rove; no Lee Harvey Oswald; no Dallas Cowboys and we gain at least 10 points on the national IQ. Sure, we’d lose Molly Ivins and Phil Gramm but they probably would have emmigrated to the States like Walter Chronkite and Cyd Charisse. So here’s to the Republic of Texas: may she rise again in all her bigoted glory. May she always have her teaming death row, her revised textbooks, and her religious values of Jesus, football, beef and beer.

Don’t you love the way Terry strings words together? Never mind that the Bushes were from Connecticut before they fooled Texas voters into electing Dubya governor; we learned from that mistake, and passed him on to D.C. And perhaps Terry is not aware that we’re all without Molly Ivins already — she died.

But you know how it is with educated liberals -- never let facts or spelling stand in the way of a good rant. Texas’ death rows are “teeming,” but we’re working on reducing them. California’s death rows probably ARE “teaming,” so perhaps Terry wasn’t that far off.

Another poster, a young man named Terry Murphy, welcomed the premise of the group: “How about they succeed, then we just beat them into oblivion with our military, then just kill all Texans.”

Uhm, young Mr, Murphy: Texas is ALREADY “succeeding,” which is why California hates us so much and wants us to “secede.” Of course, if we do, we’ll also take the 20 percent of the Armed Forces who are Texans with us.

And just out of my native Texas meanness, I’m going to assume Mr. Murphy has never worn a uniform (or can’t qualify to do so) of the military forces he thinks will kill all Texans. Maybe levies from California can fill the gaps.

Another Facebook group, “I hate Texas,” is even more entertaining — although it’s definitely far less educated and not for family consumption.

I can’t repeat most of the posts in that group, since it seems to be a requirement that the “F” word be included. Most of the posts appear to be from homosexuals who are natives of Massachusetts, were “forced” to move to Dallas-Fort Worth (I assume because there are jobs here?) and can’t stand the climate, and they can’t seem to grasp why native Texans aren’t as insecure and simple-minded as they are.

I see a lot of posts talking about “bigotry” in Texas, but isn’t it interesting to note that the racial unrest you would expect to result from such hateful conduct always seems to take place in more enlightened states like California, Michigan and Massachusetts?

There are any number of bloggers out there who contribute their own wit and wisdom to the subject of Texas-bashing. Some actually come pretty close to the mark. One fellow, for example, offered this one:

Now let me make something perfectly clear. I’m not calling them idiots because they don’t like Democrats. I’m calling them idiots because they’ve elected a bunch of flim-flam con artists, and they’re not holding them responsible for the mess they’ve made of things. That’s why I think they’re a bunch of idiots.”

Change the word “Democrats” to “Republicans,” and you have a perfectly apt description of why voters in other states overwhelmingly joined up with the Tea Parties last year.

Over at The Left Coaster, the writer “pessimist” details how Texas owes everything it is to the benificence of Uncle Sam — such as the Texas Rebellion of 1836, which according to “pessimist” was won primarily by volunteers from Tennessee led by Davy Crockett. No Texan will ever refer to the contributions of the brave Tennessee volunteers in anything less than reverential terms, but the army which defeated Santa Anna at San Jacinto was composed almost entirely of men who were citizens of Mexico.

The Left Coaster blogger also implies that in a round-about way, Texas is repsonsible for every armed conflict we’ve fought since 1836. Yep, Texas started the Civil War, and Texas oilmen helped initiate both World Wars. And of course, Texas oil interests were directly involved in making Saddam Hussein invade Kuwait and threaten Saudi Arabia. Mean ol’ Texans!
Near as I can tell, the one thing about Texas and Texans that all the other states hate the most is the fact that we Texans have a sense of unique cultural identity that they do not. With the exception of some areas of the South, most U.S. citizens tend to identify themselves first as “Americans,” then as denizens of a particular state.

In Texas, whether we’re liberal or conservative, black, brown, red, yellow or white or some combination thereof, Protestant or Catholic, we’re “Texans” first. No amount of insult and childish jealousy on the part of coast-dwelling group-think zombies can convince Texans that they don’t live in heaven.
Every time a forthing-at-the-mouth Texas-hater spews venom, he or she leads another convert to the cause of Texas nationalism. We Texans have no wish to be part of a country which hates us for our success and our unique culture.

Don’t kick us out, just let us go. We’ll be only more than happy to secede — and succeed.

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