“I don’t understand it,” a friend says to me on the phone, ”I thought she loved to play field hockey, but yesterday when I told her she had to get ready for the game, she screamed at me and told me she didn’t want to go…ever! When she finally calmed down she was able to tell me that she simply didn’t want to play anymore. We don’t want to force her to play something she doesn’t like but, she can’t sit around all day doing nothing.”
I asked my friend if that was in fact what her daughter was doing. “ Well, she spends a lot of time helping out as stage crew for the school play, but that isn’t really a useful activity, I mean, what college would take her because she was a great stage hand?”
“But does she enjoy it,” I asked. “Yes, she seems to. And she has met a bunch of new friends whom she really seems to enjoy. Okay, I get it,” my friend blurted it out, “If it makes her happy, that’s all that really matters. It’s just such a shame because she really is good at field hockey!”
We all want our teens to be the best that they can be. The best way to ensure this is that they enjoy what it is they are doing. It’s no secret that we tend to enjoy things that we feel confident and secure in doing. As teens grow into young adults they are sorting out their identity. Self-esteem equals confidence and competence, two qualities important to possess when negotiating the adult world. So, how can you encourage and empower your teens? We offer the following:
1.) As kids get older they start to narrow their interests. They usually focus on the activities that make them feel competent. It is important to support their choices.
2.) As teens search for their identity they often “try on” different roles and engage in an array of different activities. Do not be alarmed or frustrated if your teen seems to jump from activity to activity. Of course you should discuss commitment with them (e.g. if they quit a team mid-season their actions could effect the whole team.) It is always recommended that teens at least finish out what they have started.
3.) Even if you do not see the value of their interest, support and accommodate them as best you can. Remember this is about them, not your visions for them.
4.) Try not to live vicariously through your teens. Just because you wanted to become the starting pitcher on the baseball team, does not mean he does. Okay so he has a good arm, let him chooses how to use it!
5.) Take an interest in their interests. Make sure you go to see the play they are helping out with. They want you to be proud. They look to you for approval and encouragement. By providing both you make an important contribution to boosting their self-esteem.
Whether it’s baseball, baking or bird calling that interests your teen, by applauding their efforts and encouraging them to be the best they can be, you demonstrate not only your support, but your belief in their success. When it comes to self-esteem, success=self-confidence.
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