Parents give children their roots (morals and principals) and their wings (independence). The battle between parents and teens often happens because parents aren’t convinced their children are ready to fly. Teens are learning to think for themselves and they want an equal chance to talk and be heard. They will fight constantly to fly their wings, just as their parents did when they were teens. What many parents fail to see is how amazing their children are and how well they function outside their parents’ sight.
Parents often turn to each other for information but rarely do they talk to a teen to understand what is going on inside their mind. Yet when this author asked teens what they would like parents to know, they showed they are wiser than parents realize. The teens said they love their parents and if they could they would tell parents the following:
Listen to them
- Don’t slam the door shut on communications.
- They asked parents not to yell before they know the whole story; often they were trying to do the right thing.
- They want their parents’ approval and positive attention. If they can’t get it from their parents, they will find someone who will. (Teens often turn to the internet where predators are waiting with a sympathetic ear!)
Trust that you did your job as a parent
- Teens understand that their parents want the best for them.
- They are listening to their parents and they are learning.
- Yes, they make mistakes but didn’t you!
Trust your child
- Teens do take their parents’ advice about how to handle situations.
- They recognize that they aren’t adults but they aren’t three or four years old either.
- Find the good in them in order for it to multiply.
Parents and teens need to understand that it is far easier to communicate when one isn’t in the heat of the moment. Teens get angry because parents won’t listen to how they arrived at their decision so they hesitate to talk. Parents, with their fears and concerns of real life dangers often go ballistic on small issues. Fear for their child’s safety can add to the conflict but parents rarely if ever; share their fears with their children. If parents want teens to listen to them and receive their message, parents have to be willing to listen to their teens.
Let’s face it; there was much we had to learn after we had children. For many of us, becoming a parent forced us to grow up and become a responsible adult because we now had this little person totally dependent on us. We learned to change diapers, sterilize bottles, do without sleep, keep a job so a steady paycheck would come into the household, etc. But we aren’t eager for our teens to discover we were a screwed up, immature person before we became their parent. And that is information that our children need to know so they can understand that you can and will make mistakes, but it is how you handle your mistakes and what you learn from them that makes the difference.
Parents have to recognize that teens aren’t adults but they aren’t three or four years old either. Teens are on the verge of becoming adults but they still need their parents’ guidance through adolescence. If they want teens to listen to them, they have to be willing to listen to their child. Parents and teens need to realize that it is their day to day relationship that will get them through the hard times.
http://www.youngwomenshealth.org/be_there.html
http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/disciplin1/a/activelistening.htm
