Teens are seriously at risk for dating violence

This past weekend, Yeardley Love’s parents laid her 22 year old body to rest after she was brutally murdered by her ex-boyfriend with a history of violence. Police found Love dead in her off-campus apartment last week, with bruises on her face and one eye swollen shut. A hole had been kicked through the door to her bedroom, according to affidavits filed by police in the case. The affidavits said that George Huguely, the accused killer and fellow student, told police he shook Love repeatedly, and her head struck a wall. There is certainly no blaming Yeardley Love for not reporting previous violent incidents and not knowing the warning signs associated with escalated violence patterns, but it does highlight the need for greater societal vigilance with regards to dating domestic violence.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website is a wonderful place to get educated about dating violence. Dating violence is a pattern of controlling behaviors that one partner uses to get power over the other, and it includes:

• Any kind of physical violence or threat of physical violence to get control
• Emotional or mental abuse, such as playing mind games, making you feel crazy, or constantly putting you down or criticizing you
• Sexual abuse, including making you do anything you don’t want to, refusing to have safe sex or making you feel badly about yourself sexually

For those who are still in denial that teen dating violence is not of great concern, the statistics are alarming as follows:

• 1.5 million high school students will be physically abused each year in a relationship
• 1 in 3 adolescent girls will be abused in some form by someone they are seeing
• 1 in 4 teens (24%) reported feeling pressure to date; 14% said they would do almost anything to keep a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• Fully one-third of 16-18s (33%)—and 31% of teens who have been in a serious relationship—reported that sex is expected.
• Almost half of teens who have been in a relationship (47%)—and 55% of those who describe theirs as serious—have done something that compromised their own values in order to please their partner.
• 3 out of 5 (61%) said that they’ve had a boyfriend or girlfriend who made them feel bad or embarrassed about themselves.
• 30% reported worrying about their personal physical safety in a relationship.
• 20% of those who have been in a serious relationship have been hit, slapped, or pushed by a boyfriend or girlfriend.

There are many wonderful resources for teen and parents of teen to access should the need arise or better yet, to proactively discuss as a family.  Here are some of the first steps to take if you believe that you are in an abusive relationship from the website www.loveisrespect.org:

• Talk to a friend. If you haven’t already told a friend about what’s happening in your relationship, try it. Ask them to listen without trying to solve the problem for you.
• Try taking a break. If you’re not happy with the way you’re being treated, but you’re not sure what to do, consider taking some time alone to think about it.
• Consider talking to an adult. If you feel your situation is too big to handle alone, it may help to find an adult you trust. If it isn’t a parent – try a teacher, the parent of a friend, or even a counselor.
• If you don’t feel safe, try to not be alone with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Even if you’re not ready to make any major decisions about your relationship, if you feel scared when you’re alone together, try to avoid it. Spend time in groups and in public as much as possible.

Please share the following dating safety tips with your teens and adolescents (provided by ACADV):

• Consider double-dating the first few times you go out with a new person.
• Before leaving on a date, know the exact plans for the evening and make sure a parent or friend knows these plans and what time to expect you home. Let your date know that you are expected to call or tell that person when you get in.
• Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
• If you leave a party with someone you do not know well, make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom. Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrived home safely.
• Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships.
• Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation.

Gone are the days that parents are friends with their children, it is time to be parents and do just that, parent our children with respect but watchfulness. Parents need to meddle in the lives of their children, regardless of age, if they see warning signs of any abuse or violence. After all, domestic violence affects 1 in 3 children and 1 in 4 women and it is time to stand up together to stop it!

Click here to learn more about teen dating violence at NDVH, click here to go to the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, click here to get tips from ACADV, or contact Shieldher. Be Safe!