People who have a healthy sense of self esteem are seldom likely to consciously hurt others. However, being mean is a way that some girls attempt to feel more powerful.
“Some girls at my school act so mean. I honestly don't feel safe hanging around with most of them. Why is it that girls back stab each other?”
What you are describing is called Relational Aggression. Relational Aggression is any act that includes being ridiculed, taunted, excluded or shamed. This can be done directly, as in publicly humiliating someone, or indirectly, as in spreading rumors. In their best-selling book, "Mean Girls, Meaner Women," psychologists Eirka Holiday and Joan Rosenberg discuss how relational aggression has become an epidemic among teenage girls.
Where do girls learn Relational Aggression?
When girls watch TV shows where women respond in hostile manners towards each other, they are influenced to believe that this is an appropriate way for them to behave. TV, movies and advertising often use images to create a climate of competition and hostility among females. Imitating these behaviors disrupts girl's ability to form close and lasting emotional bonds.
What is the cause of Relational Aggression?
Meanness is a coping strategy designed to increase self-importance, popularity, or achieve a desired goal. Some girls yearn to have the attention that another girl has and believe their only option to get ahead lies in destroying that other girl's reputation and self-esteem. Often, feelings of hurt, anger, jealousy, and envy can trigger a desire for revenge and destruction. A lack of emotional maturity prevents these girls from reflecting on the negative conseqeunces of their behavior.
What does Relational Aggression look like in teen girls?
* Attempting to control aspects of another's life (e.g., how they dress, who their friends are, what they do in their free time, what they can and cannot say, etc.)
* Humiliating others
* Coercing and/or making threats of physical harm to another, or those who are close to him/her
* Demanding to know where a certain individual is at all times
* Raging when they feel hurt, shamed, or in jeopardy of losing control in their relationships
* Utilizing technology to manipulate others (i.e. hurting their victim through using the Internet)
What is the outcome of Relational Aggression?
Research has shown that there can be lasting effects for a victim who has been viciously attacked and hurt by other girls. Victims of relational aggression are often left vulnerable to feelings of self-hatred and self-destructive behavior, including anorexia, bulimia, drug use, or other self-injurious acts. Experiencing hurtful female behavior during adolescence can lead females to question the honesty and safety of their adult relationships with each other.
What is an alternative to Relational Aggression?
Ideally, the goal would be for young women to learn how to connect with each other in loving and nurturing ways through open and honest discussions. Girls should be encouraged to choose behaviors that represent their authentic selves. Learning to manage angry and competitive feelings more effectively will allow them to establish healthy and fulfilling friendships with women as they grow up.
SandraDupontMFT.com
Teen Therapist/Adolescent Phase of Life Coach
Los Angeles, Santa Monica, and Beverly Hills
tags: find a teen therapist, parenting teens, teen advice, teen depression, teen peer pressure, teen self esteem, teen support groups, teenagers problems
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