Pity the mighty vampire, the bloodsucking nosferatu, the scourge of the night! In recent years, this once fearsome creature has undergone a remarkable transformation in the annals of pop culture. Where his visage once struck terror in the hearts of the masses, his portrayal in recent years has focused not on horror but brooding angst and well-chiseled abs. Oh, thank you so bloody much, Twilight.
Yes, it's true: vampires have not only gone mainstream, they've morphed into misunderstood emo kids -- effeminate, lovesick goofballs who quietly ruminate on how much it sucks to be eternally young and beautiful. I don't understand these new types of vampires. Where's the mass carnage? Where's the bloodlust-fueled slaughter of the innocents? Where are the crimson-stained streets, and fields littered with the drained-dry corpses of livestock? For heaven's sake, where are the decrepit castles overlooking villages of terrified Romanian peasants, who cower in fear at the very mention of the accursed one's name?
Dracula and his cohorts have been neutered, folks. Even my mother and sister, the people least likely to watch a horror movie in years past, have fallen under the spell of Stephanie Meyer's literary and cinematic saga. To quote Gary Oldman in the film Bram Stoker's Dracula: "Noooo! I cannot let this be!"
With that in mind, here are five rules that Hollywood must remember, if they ever hope to reverse the plague of the pretty boy vampire pansy. It's time to reinfuse the blood of these creatures with the dark Transylvanian magic that they so desperately need. Someone, anyone, deliver us from this tween-friendly mediocrity!
1. Real Vampires Don't Sparkle. Sunlight does not cause a vampire's body to act as a prism, resulting in sparkly, pretty colors in the air around him. No, sunlight causes a vampire's body to explode in a cataclysm of fiery destruction, which would melt the face off any adoring teenage girl who got too close to him. This is not negotiable. It would also be a hell of a deleted scene on the Twilight DVD.
2. Real Vampires Don't Love You. Sorry, ladies: no vampire wants to sit quietly while you discuss your dreams, your wants, and your needs. No, a real vampire wants to sink his fangs into your jugular, and gorge himself on the sweet crimson milk that flows within. And really, after an hour of listening to you whine about how you don't have any friends at school, and how your parents don't understand you, consider yourself lucky that your death was at least swift and merciful.
3. Real Vampires Are Diseased Creatures. Sure, Bela Lugosi looked dapper and suave, but let's not forget that your little vampire boyfriend is a diseased, cursed creature. He hangs around with rats, bats, and other types of vermin. He sleeps in a dirt-filled box. Even if he decides not to kill you with his fangs, you'll probably drop dead from some horrible contagion within a month, just from the company he keeps.
4. Real Vampires Drink Blood, Not Tea. It's been said before, but it bears repeating: real vampires aren't known for their adherence to table manners. Female vampire Eli (Lina Leandersson) tries to eat a piece of candy in Let the Right One In, and ends up tremendously ill as a result. Ladies, imagine going on a dinner date with a dude like that. Or bringing him home to meet your folks. Even if he successfully resists the urge to bite your mother's face off, her feelings might be hurt when he refuses to do anything but suck the blood out of the raw hamburger meat in the kitchen. Awkward.
5. Real Vampires Are Badass. Who has time for cuddling when you can fly? Or shapeshift at will into fog, a wolf, or a bat? Or cause people to do your bidding by staring deep into their eyes and speaking in a solemn, commanding voice? Get over yourself, girls. You just can't compete with that.
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