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Taxes: The E-Z Way


This year’s 1040EZ tax booklet states, ”The IRS wants to make filing and paying your taxes as quick and easy as possible. We want to help you successfully navigate a highly complex tax code and pay what you owe under the law- not a penny more, or a penny less.


That’s good to know. The teams of underfed Dobermans you see in many tax offices these days seems to indicate otherwise.


Anyway, more than half of those taxpayers now file their taxes electronically. But many still prefer this year’s new and simplified tax form:


2009 State of New Jersey Income Tax-Resident Return


1.) Last name____ First name____ Most recent alias____ Name in Pig Latin____


2.) Most recent address____ Address of most recent Swiss chalet____ Include total from Line 10A or 14B, whichever is greater.


3.) Height____ Weight____ Sex: Occasionally____ Twice a year____ During the last lunar eclipse____


4.) Filing status: Single____ Double____ Triple____ Four to a room____ Married____ Divorced____ Klingon____ Dweeb____ Married filing single return____ Married filing joint return____ Married to a widow filing single return____ Head of household in spite of what your wife says filing joint return____ Smoking medicinal joint due to injuries while filing separate return because you are Tiger Woods or Jesse James____


5.) Include hat size or shoe size, whichever is greater.


6.) Deceased( Also include Schedule 911Z and sign)


7.) Exemptions: Regular____ Yourself____ Spouse____ 65 or over____ Deaf____ Dumb____ Blind____


8.) Number of your qualified dependent children____


9.) Number of your qualified personalities to be included( maximum of 3)


10.) Number of your qualifying imaginary friends____


11.) Names of dependent children who lived with you during the past year or moved back home just like you told them they would because they had always been irresponsible____


12.) Add total from lines 8 to 11. ____


13.) Lather, rinse, repeat____


14.) Do you wish to designate $1 of your taxes to the Gubernatorial Elections Fund? Yes____ No____ A maximum of 17 cents____ You might as well designate it because they’re going to get your last red cent anyway.____


15.) Have you ever seen a red cent? Yes____ No____ On crowded days at Atlantic City beaches____


16.) Wages, salaries, tips, bribes, pay-to-play money, hush money, and general skimming off the top____


17.) Enter the amount from the worksheet on page 237 or add $500,000, whichever is greater____


18.) Include all of your W2 forms and apply directly to the forehead____


19.) What about that damn jar of cash you have buried in your backyard?____


20.) Gross influx____


21.) Acid reflux____


22.) New Jersey gross income____


23.) This is quite gross____


24.) Tax. Use the amount on Line 17 above to find your tax on the tax table on pages 337-338 of this booklet. Then head immediately to Atlantic City and bet the entire contents of your wallet on red.____


25.) Check if tax came from tax table____ Tax Rate Schedule XXX____ 38DDD____WD40____ Roulette table profits____


26.) Total tax paid____


27.) Federal income tax withheld____


28.) If line 27 is greater than line 26, tough noogies____


29.) Subtract line 17 from line 27____


30.) Add your first born male child____


31.) Insert a new Powerball Lotto selection____


32.) If line 29 is greater than line 31, stop cheating and start over____


33.) Pensions, annuities, and IRA withdrawals taxable amount received____


34.) You don’t plan on keeping all that, do you?____


35.) Alimony and separate maintenance payments____


36.) Amount you paid the slimy lawyer to make her leave____


37.) Medical expenses (Worksheet and instructions on page 137 do not include use of defibrillator from filing last year’s return)____


38.) Qualified conservation contribution____


39.) Qualified contribution to 2009 Toyota Recall Fund____


40.) You know it was more than that____


41.) Net gambling winnings____


42.) You’re forgetting the Number 7 horse from the 8th race at Monmouth last year____


43.) Total property taxes paid____


44.) Fill in amount if your total is greater than your annual salary____


45.) Property tax deduction____


46.) If above total is greater than 0, please enclose a check for $2000____


47.) Add lines 22 to 47 and multiply by 7, then add this to the sum total of lines 12 to 17 and multiply by 37. Don’t forget to carry the 2. Include a check for this total and Schedules I-95, Rt. 73, 98.6, 1045Z and 56789Z with your return. These are your total payments_


48.) Do you want to allow another person to discuss this return with the IRS? Yes____ No____ If I pay him off first____


49.) Sign here____


50.) Your name is not Donald Trump, sign here____


Under penalties of perjury, I declare that I have examined this return, and to the best of my knowledge and belief I have no more red cents left in the house, the deed of which I will surrender to the IRS immediately. This return is true, correct( more or less, with about a 97% margin of error) and accurately lists all amounts and sources of income I received during the tax year. Really. I mean it this time. Please leave my children alone.

 

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