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T'was the night before New Year

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T'was the night before New Year and quiet as a mouse,

Were those pundits predicting Republicans would lose the House;

The Unattainable Care Act’s promises all were laid bare,

Democrats insisting that cancelled policies caught them totally unaware;

The president had nestled in his own self-made bed,

Insisting his own words weren’t really what he said;

The year started off inauspiciously with an IRS flap,

All that was missing was an NSA wiretap;

Then from the Senate came Simpson-Mazzoli-like clatters,

And immigration legislation which left the GOP in tatters;

One percenters opened their wallets while protestors whooped at the cash,

Hoping to push a bill through Congress in one quick mad dash;

Yet underneath the putsch’s veneer was something below,

T’was a battle to defund ObamaCare – wouldn’t you know;

Next what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a government shutdown as the debt ceiling drew near;

Thought of negotiations had congressional Democrats feeling sick,

Healthcare.gov was a train wreck, and they couldn’t give a lick;

More rapid than eagles insults and invective came,

Suddenly for the GOP, Democrats had a new name;

“You’re arsonists! You’re anarchists! You’re terrorists and worse!”

“If you cross us again we’ll put you in a hearse!”

“From the steps of the Capitol to the National Mall,

If ObamaCare doesn’t deliver, then we’ll blame you all!”

Upon meeting political obstacles ad hominem attacks fly,

No thoughts ever left over for asking why;

So up went the borrowing as the debt ceiling flew,

And they’ll be no negotiations in February too;

Then all of a sudden I heard on the roof,

The New York Times on Benghazi had put out a hoof;

Despite that mortar fire which was going around,

YouTube was mostly to blame said men on the ground;

A complicated tale when one clears away the soot,

But the Times’ editorial board puts its mouth too close to its foot;

It harps on Republican allegations when it tries to look back,

It predictably omits Ali Aujali also called Benghazi a terrorist attack;

Whether “Al-Qaeda” shot up the C.I.A. annex makes no one merry,

It’s conflating the assault’s nature with a protest that has people so wary;

Furthermore – what the CIA was up to we still do not know,

Despite the editorial board’s best efforts to wrap that one up in a bow;

Meanwhile shutdown fears in December led to the belief,

That the GOP needed to look to Paul Ryan for budget relief,

The appropriators and defense hawks felt in their belly,

Sequestration’s budget caps would turn Washington to jelly;

So Ryan worked with Murray without a care for his political health,

And that deal was probably the best a divided GOP could give itself;

A wink of Paul’s eye as and a twist of his head,

Told us piecemeal-micro-reform-of-mandatory-spending was alive but budget caps were dead;

With the year at an end Congress left with a jerk,

Politicos still wondering if ObamaCare would work,

Towards the end of the year enrollment numbers rose,

The figures are still pretty bad – but that’s how it goes,

The President sprang away from Washington, to his team gave a whistle,

And off to Hawaii he flew like the down of a thistle;

But I heard him exclaim, “It’s only a pause from my never ending campaign fight!”

“2014 is upon us, and armistice ends tonight!”

This dramatic reinterpretation of T’was the Night Before Christmas includes Bill Bennett with Christopher Beach, Mark Steyn guest hosting for Rush Limbaugh, Larry Kudlow with Jimmy Pethokoukis, Laura Ingraham with Raymond Arroyo, and Dennis Miller – a small sampling of quips, non sequiturs, sarcastic commentary, and anything else that might put a smile on your face

Bill Bennett’s Morning in America 12/31/13 on Philadelphia’s 990 AM WNTP

Regarding Producer Christopher Beach

Bill: We’ve been getting a good laugh about our friend and colleague Mike Gallagher giving it to Chris…calling him an inside-the-Beltway-something-or-other.

Beach: Inside the Beltway elitist snob to be specific.

Bill: If you all knew Chris as I did, to think of him as a kind of junior Jack Abramoff –

(laughter)

Bill: Just doesn’t fly.

Good to hear he’s not a Beltway Benson (this sobriquet brought to you by Hugh Hewitt)

Rush Limbaugh Show 12/31/13 on Philadelphia’s 1210 AM WPHT

Guest host Mark Steyn regarding 2013

Steyn: I think this was a pretty good year for conservatism. Not for anything conservatives did, but simply because we sat back and let the geniuses of liberalism do it to the American people.

Larry Kudlow Show 12/21/13 on New York’s 770 AM WABC

Speaking with Jimmy Pethokoukis regarding the Money/Politics panel labeling President Obama the political loser of 2013

Pethokoukis: Can I take issue? I think we’re looking at this from completely the wrong perspective. What did the president say? What did he say in his press conference: that 2014 was gonna be a year of action. So obviously what he’s doing is making sure he had a terrible 2013 so that by comparison in 2014 he’ll be the comeback kid! You’re missing the big picture everybody.

Laura Ingraham Show 12/20/13 on Philadelphia’s 1180 AM WFYL

Regarding President Obama’s relaxation of ACA rules for Americans who have lost their health insurance

Laura: So he’s actually giving Americans relief from himself?

Regarding one caller’s response to the Laura Ingraham/Raymond Arroyo debate over real/fake Christmas trees

Laura: I didn’t even think of the tree farmers who get work…They’re useful and they’re productive and families are supported by this – and the kids who tie up the trees on the roof of my car.

Arroyo: That’s right, so what’s a little toxicity and poisoning of pets at home. That’s fine.

Laura: Toxicity? You want to bring Chinese chemicals – you don’t know what those Chinese – they could be putting cameras in those trees. They could be surveying you. They could be surveilling you from the trees.

Arroyo: Ok. They’re drone trees now?

Laura: They could be. There could be cameras inside those fake trees.

Arroyo: It’s a conspiracy Christmas at the Ingraham household.

Dennis Miller Show 12/18/13 on Lehigh Valley’s 1100 AM WGPA

Regarding news NSA leaker Edward Snowden may seek asylum in Brazil while speaking with CNN's Jake Tapper

Dennis: Snowden sick of parkas, wants some thongs, right? That’s all this was…it gets cold in Russia. Plus he’s being mistaken at La Cage au Moscow shows for Marina Oswald. So I think he has to get out and go to Brazil now, right?

Follow John Goodman on Twitter @ Literalville here

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Free podcasts of The Larry Kudlow Show are available here

Podcasts and recaps of The Rush Limbaugh Show are available here

Podcasts and recaps of Bill Bennett’s Morning in America are available here

Podcasts and recaps of The Laura Ingraham Show are available here

Podcasts and recaps of The Dennis Miller Show are available here

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