Who knew it would be so easy to survive the recession?
Today I read a highly suspect article written by a fellow Examiner.
In it, she claims that the way to save money during the recession is to stop having sex. After all, you will no longer have to color your hair, get a boob job, or buy Viagra, thus saving oodles of money.
Since it's all the rage to write an absolutely ridiculous article about surviving the recession, here's my totally absurd (but do-able!) idea for you. Take it however you will.
A woman (or gay man) can easily survive the recession through online dating using these easy steps:
- Write a dating profile that states in no uncertain terms that you are a sure thing. Pictures involving your cleavage (front or back!) are an absolute must.
- Set up your custom search to find people who are making a lot of money. It doesn't matter if they're in a secure job, just that right now they have cash in their pocket and a yearning in their loins.
- Line up several dates. Preferably one per weeknight, but it's up to you how much you can handle. Know your limits. (If you're hungry, though, I'd recommend daily dates to at least get in one good meal.)
- Turn down anyone who suggests coffee for a first date. You're better than that (and hungrier). Insist on dinner.
- Avoid alcohol. You don't want to hork up the very meal you're selling your body and soul to eat, do you?
- If you can get out of the date without having sex, awesome for you. But if you have needs that extend beyond dinner and he has condoms, GO FOR IT GIRL! (or BOI!) *
Free dinner and free sex, totally worth the aching feeling you'll get in your soul when you realize you've sold your morals for worldly pleasures. Morals don't fill your belly, friends. When you gotta eat, you gotta eat. And do you know what? If your standards are low enough you don't even have to get your hair done or your eyebrows waxed.
* Bonking random strangers is a bad idea, even with condoms. But if you're stupid enough to follow the advice in a parody article...
Comments
There was an article on the BBC website months back, about how everyone would be having more sex because it was cheaper to stay in and make your own fun then it is to go out.
Following that logic through, it should also mean couples would tend to stay together whereas they might have broken up before.
Either way, the Econopocalyse is being massively overblown. Hasn't changed the way I live my life at all.
I hardly get to use "yearning in their loins" in a sentence. Nicely done!
"Econopocalyse is being massively overblown."
Well, if E. has her way we'll all be overblown by the time the Dow hits 10k again.
This kind of made my entire day, lol
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