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Summer Dont's of 2014

You might not be able to tell by the crazy weather we've been having but summer is right around the corner. The time for day drinking and tan lines will once again enable us to feel free and fun. Before you dehydrate and wind up in a ball of regret on the bathroom floor, let me drop some knowledge on you for this summer.

This list is for the ladies, because let’s be honest, the only reason a man gets any action is because some girl had an itch she couldn't scratch herself.

1. You can’t wait to go to the beach; I know this because I also can’t wait to feel the sand between my toes. You know where I don’t want to feel the sand? My vagina. You might think it’s romantic to throw a towel down and get into it on the beach but this is real life and that is a stupid idea. If you’re having sex correctly, there is no way you will stay on the shred of cloth that separates you from what I can only imagine is a pain worse than childbirth.

2. On the same note, sex in water seems like an equally bad idea. We know what chlorine does to our hair and skin; now imagine that same dryness...elsewhere. Having sex in a pool or in a body of water that is full of salt, sand, and fish poop doesn't seem all that great. Sure it’s sneaky (and if anyone understand how much fun sneaky sex can be, it’s me- then again that’s another article all together, probably a two-parter) but do you seriously want to risk irritating that part of you? NOPE.

3. It used to be that you couldn’t trust a boy to have a condom. But you, ladies, are even worse. You HATE condoms. I've heard you all talk about how much you loathe them and contrary to popular belief, I am a great listener usually sometimes when nothing is going on behind your head. Ever since birth control became the most popular pill to pop, women have been spoiled into the feeling of skin on skin. I’m not a doctor but I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that the pill doesn’t do squat in protecting, oh I don’t know, YOUR HEALTH. Buy your own condoms and be prepared. It might not feel as great as it could but it will feel a lot better than gonorrhea.

4. We are at the age where a woman should no longer care about how many people she's been with. You’re mature enough to realize that if you’re with a man who cares about your number you should lie through your teeth. With that being said, there is one number you should care about, his age. Men will say anything to get laid. They will lie, they will omit, they will schmooze. You better make sure junior is old enough to know what he’s doing. He doesn't have to be over 18, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m sure there are some cute 17 year old soccer players who look like a 300 extra and if you want to hook up with a baby lamb by all means, enjoy your issues and possible jail time. I’m saying there is nothing worse than a guy who is bad in bed. Except maybe running out of wine. If you're going to go younger, make sure you don't have to teach him anything.

5. I recently found pictures from college of my friends in the most compromising positions. (kissing, dancing, and general inappropriate use of household items.) Luckily for them, I would never show these pictures to anyone but I bet someone has some pictures of you during your glory years. Your new beau might not love knowing someone has a picture of you flashing a frat basement. You might not remember partaking in this kind of spring break activity but I promise you someone else does and I promise you there is a picture of it somewhere. This summer make yourself a promise: vow to be as crazy as you want and to leave no proof anywhere.

Do you, girl.

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