The hallmark of refusing to have vulnerability is a conversation pattern as below in the simplicty of lyric from Elvis Costello's Hand in Hand. (Elvis Costello, an Irish rocker joked once in an interview that because he could string words together he became known as (sic) "the damned Poet Laureate of popular music in the 1980's". His songs are typically wordy, catchy and have a story element to them)
I often find his lyrics personal and telling for the general public, exacting in tense relationship circumstances, i.e. stuff people say to each other worldwide in relationships... when things slowly or quickly get to the 'screw you' phase. So, some people start off talking to each other like this and get nicer, and some people keep doing it, and some people don't start doing it until late in the game.
Here's a somewhat obscure lyric of Hand in Hand. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bx1MkTpnZWI
Hand in hand, no,
don't ask me to apologize
I won't ask you to forgive me.
If I'm gonna go down,
you're gonna come with me.
Hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand
Read more: Elvis Costello - Hand In Hand Lyrics | MetroLyrics
What is the remedy for this?
It requires honest assessement of a situation, in order to relate a possible solution. Honesty means reading a situation using truth, about one's own behaviors.
In a relationship, you only get to contract regarding yourself. If one's ducks aren't in a row that limits the ability to contract with another.
Rigorous honesty references the ability to be truthful everywhere all the time.
Not with the point of harming the other person with "truths". This honesty asks that one account for one's choices and that those choices reflect whatever the agreements are between self and the other person.
Here's an article from a famous treatment center to our West that deals in codependency ( a common relationship problem) and shows the variety of problems with being dishonest from a variety of vantage points. http://www.themeadows.com/blog/detail/rigorous-honesty-from-false-pride-...
The biggest problem with this is that the couple doesn't have an agreement, and therefore one or both parties are splintering at will, breaking down any relationship they have. It is distinctly true in most cases that even the most thorough and devoted couples often don't have specific agreements about what they will do when things go wrong, about their baseline commitments and that being honest is imperative for them to survive as a couple.
When threats begin to be logged as above in the lyric, it is a piece of the problem that may take down the relationship. Understanding that the origin of that problem may have little or nothing to do with that direct insult dealt is typically the key to making plans to do something else. OR not. Not every coupleship wants to tackle issues and resolve them. Some people stay in the same space, some split and some learn and grow.
If you aren't familiar with Elvis Costello, watch music headlines of late for his new combined effort with Roots, under Steve Mandel's production direction, released Summer 2013.