Tracy Chapman's lyric still gets it, "Baby gimme one reason.... give me just one reason why...." http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tracychapman/givemeonereason.html
What does it meant to try in a relationship? To share and to progress in caring and sharing?
What measures contentment in yourself, partner or relationship? http://zenhabits.net/the-incredible-power-of-contentment/
Ok. I'll fess up. 30 years ago or ...so.... I met a guy at the University of Oklahoma when we were in our late teens. I SWEAR this man, who is also now over 50, asks me to tell this story again and again and again because it is unbelievable. And he is right. So I do. And then he will tell me another about us and this goes on and on. Leaving us in gales of laughter.
I met him on a dare (daring and betting me is a gross error in others judgment). I had seen him well before that, and was pretty clear we'd be meeting.
I invited him to an event in my dorm, though he points out I had a boyfriend.( He's right, but I point out the boyfriend was the one who dared and so ... ). The bet was only that I would invite him, and my friends entertained him, he tells me he was unaware at the time that I dealt the invitation. I apologized the next day or so, and then he says he was truly confused, but knew who I was and there had been some prior mutual admiration.
I then not too long after, he was subjected to a series of collegiate pranks.
I admit, I placed a false ad on a tab pull call sheet using his phone number in the OU Student Union. It noted he would be driving a van to Boston for the Christmas Holiday, and was looking for riders for all or part of the trip to share gas and.... pets ok. Then people unknown and some of my friends began to call. What we didn't know was that he had extended chemistry labs for winter finals, this independent of his involvement in The Pride ( Band), Defenestration (Rock Band walk on) and OU Track and so his ROOMMATE received about 70% of the calls and merely took piles of messages because it fit the profile that my future SO might indeed take a van to Boston.
Then with a cohort, I proceeded to place lit fireworks under his dorm room door and a few other novel things. All in unique young adult passion, and certainly 100% respect and admiration.
And it worked. We met up, dated and hung out and talked on the phone connected to the wall by a cord. As his family live in NE Oklahoma, LD calling charges became a norm when school wasn't on. During any break from seeing each other weekly we faithfully exchanged those white paper things with ink on them for years. The one the person in blue brings to your door days after it is released by the writer with your name and a stamp on it. Uh-huh. One of us still has THE collection. Of those white things, with handwriting on them. That come in an envelope with a stamp. My Mother told me that any man who would take time to write a letter had some substance to him. We wrote and dated through college and first jobs and more college.
Consistently prideful, intelligent, funny if not very funny, accomplished, not so evenly tempered risk takers from two completely different trajectories, about the same height, who managed to undo ourselves about as fast as we could construct. On all fronts. Wow.
We dated off and on over about a 5 or 6 year period... We parted company because of indecisiveness in our middle 20's. .... and agree there were and are significant conflicted feelings about THAT as well.
And then this was followed by whole problem of lurking well known personhood as a mental and spiritual image, not a physical presence.... for the next 30 years as we both went on to marry others, have families and advance our careers over various terrain.
My Father would say that "you can be estranged from someone, yet you will never be strangers." Sigh. How true.
About 5 years ago, this person showed up on my door in Atlanta because he had personal business in the city.
(My clients have heard this story, as has my family and new and old friends and most say "Whaaaaaat?") We had a wonderful time over the days he was there and continued to communicate even after he had come back to Oklahoma. We lived 21 hours away from each other. There was a good bit of healing in that initial process of reconnecting. We parted company again for another 4 years not too long after that, with too many obligations and life in the way of an 'us'.
An international friend deemed our recent and yet third turn as "as a beautiful story of destiny and love". Ya gotta love the Spaniard turn of phrase.... she is such a romantic. All that is said only second to our having consenting multiple contacts again. Honestly, where it will lead? Who knows. But it sure is fun.
Both of us have chosen obligations as well as baggage from "other lives" and those obligations come first.
A older gentleman in my office building said, "Thirty years. You did say that... thirty years? What do you talk about after all that time?" And really what don't we talk about.
If you asked me to name it today, for myself the exact thing that happened between my friend and I is affirmation. Affirmation can only come from a person who knows you well and deeply. Affirmation comes from a connectedness where the other person can see you and does know your warts and all, still choosing the bright spots first, in tandem with your your company. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/affirmation
Affirmation has a higher level of emotional intimacy connected to it than does validation. Affirmation does not confirm a whole relationship, it merely provides steadiness in an established relationship or re-emerging relationship.
In our culture we often toss around validation, which is completely different. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/validate
In urban dictionaries, there's NOT an affirmation whore, but there is a VALIDATION whore. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=validation%20whore , which seems pretty telling about the inauthentic nature of validation. Learn something new every day.
Presence, contentment, affirmation, connectedness.
Written for Lonnie M. James OKC, no matter what the outcome it is all still delightfully and forever true. http://tinyurl.com/LMJ-Three-couplestress