@GMILLAA "When you enter your home, put down your sword." Where do people go to be real, personal and deal with their baggage?
This week, various news sources exploded regarding a disclosure made by singer Chris Brown citing his first sexual experience was at age 8 ( that's a 3rd grader, 4 years of formal school, people) with a 14/15 year old female (that is a HS Freshman or Sophomore, 9 or 10 years of formal school, people.) .@VAWnet Chris Brown's most recent announcement sheds light on masculinity, race, and the cultural (re)framing of child... http://fb.me/1R9N9hMR0 . The Good Men Project favorited your Tweet @VAWnet @rickbelden @GoodMenProject do hope to see solid acknowledgements as you do for this to open #oprah100. Soul killing for so many.
These are top posting articles or blogs about this disclosure :
First I'll show you the split of male/female authors and their posts. More women are top posting on this than men. ( BTW I am female).
These are the male authored articles.
general about abuse male RT female author http://theobamacrat.com/2013/10/10/are-you-being-abused/
These are the female authored articles.
- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/olivia-cole/chris-brown-virginity_b_407822... female author
- http://www.theroot.com/views/feel-sorry-chris-brown-now female author
Below is the article I currently find to be the most direct and exacting about the PROCESS in which disclosure was made and how it was handled.
"The quoted paragraph is grimly fascinating. There is not the slightest suggestion that Brown considers himself a victim, not for a moment does he suggest he was anything but in control of the situation. First he makes a joke about it. Then he flaunts it as a badge of masculine achievement and slides quickly – far too quickly – into boasting of his sexual prowess. This is precisely how many abused boys rationalise and cope with their experiences in a culture where men can never admit to weakness, and particularly never admit to having been used and abused by a girl. By the end of the paragraph, the reader could easily forget that he was eight years old. Eight." http://freethoughtblogs.com/hetpat/2013/10/06/magic-trick-chris-brown-an...
Let me tell you frankly that having been a therapist, wife, Mother, girlfriend, sister and friend and co-worker.... sex abuse of ANYONE is typically NOT what people want to hear over dinner, from the pulpit and in emails. BTW, I am going to write about it anyway.
What I will also tell you is these free standing facts:
Child exposure to pornography and sex is a boundary problem from an adult.
Most child "discovery" of porn is parents not putting it away, blocking porn channel or blocking from a computer or smart phone. Some people "leave" the porn just to see what will happen when the child discovers it.
Children exposed to pornographic images at an early age, like with video games may get over stimulated in ways they don't understand and this hits on a neurologic, (brain wave) level and kicks off cycles of involuntary actions like repeating behaviors, being aggressive, and might sexually stimulating themselves or another. The images and all involved in seeing the images can act like a drug. It can bring forward reactive sexual behaviors and so can sexual abuse. Some kids have "hardwiring issues", they are genetically pre-disposed ( have a parent who does it too) to be explosive, impulsive, intense, distracted, detached and adding to the complexity by EXPOSURE of what is basically a toxin to a child only encourages the mix of problems. If daily life stuff is not easily controlled, surely this mix will only make it worse.
There is NO good way to explain the complexity of that here.
ANY people exposed to sex, sex images, sexualized behaviors at young ages are at risk for problems managing stressors about that experience. Most of the time, it is not within the reach of that person readily to explain or complain or process it. Children's brains developmentally are not built to do that.
The basic rule of sex boundary violation is five years older or five years younger. As one of the articles points out ,age of consent is typically considered by law to be 16 and over. It is not difficult to apply the two concepts of age split and typical peer on peer sex experiences to see troubles brewing.
There are piles of things that could be said here. The above information is more about parenting, boundaries, development and risks of a growing person.
Three things I'd like you to know about sexually abused guys in adult relationships is: they can be explosive, unpredictable, unfaithful, sexually ambidextrious, cross addicted ( addicted to sex or various other things), they split in relationships, they have porn addictions, they look on Craigslist or other places to hook up. Abused have trouble being honest about feelings, needs, respect, boundaries.... and as @RickBelden and @GoodMenProject points out they have troubles also because older men do not mentor them, shepherd them through the trauma to health and prevent the trauma.
The reason WOMEN are penning fast and furious about the abuse is because female perps are often NOT identified in our communities, they are viewed as vixens and seductresses and trainer/teachers. WOMEN are also penning because they see untreated child sex abuse issues destroying their men. The men they love as the Fathers of their children, their husbands, partners, spouses, siblings, friends and co-workers, neighbors, worship mates are destroyed by the shame and diversion of the secrets and implementation of a bravado that creates an entirely different set of problems FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.
This stance of "reinventing" the abuse as an adventure or conquest or advanced experience makes child sex abuse less real. Child porn less real. Incest... less real. Child sex traffic less real.
This concept of male victimization does not take into account the whole issue of "mancession" and what is any man's role these days. That is covered in another article " It's never the same river twice".
These issues are not limited to concern in opposite sex couples, and in fact may be doubled if in a same sex couple BOTH partners have a history of childhood sexual abuse unrecognized.
There is no way to deal with this all in one spot. My perception is that there were TWO issues of victimization at least in Mr. Brown's disclosure. One was exposure to pornography at ongoing and significant levels in mixed company with relatives that normalized it.
The other was the older female who approached him. His report is that it was not an incestuous action, but a non-relative.
Again, the more language we have about where things like this can stress a person, the better.
The last thing I will leave you with is the concept of depersonalization. This can happen for a person themselves, but if you read over this and consider it, part of the frustration of the people around ANY sex abuse survivor is that there are points where the person doesn't seem to be real to themselves, is not connected to themselves and may make decisions that reflect that others... momentarily are not real to them: in dishonored relationship promises, non- abuse pacts and such. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/262888.php and http://www.examiner.com/article/got-wabi-sabi-teen-dating-vpm-part-8 Minorities are more likely to fade in and out of relationships...
Couples end up in therapy often because some OTHER issue is driving it.... that rules or boundaries not honored, the person is depressed, angry or drinking. But for men to honor their history, they need to feel welcome to tell it and to believe they might work towards getting support to understand and change it. With support, families who stick with it can learn how to do this and grow. Men can learn how to do this and grow.
This is 8 in a series of 8 articles written about hot couples therapy topics over the last 6 months.