Stress management is usually one of the top things couples think about when they are having struggles. Coping, communication and stress management seem to be the topics most rendered by the people who ask for assistance when they call my counseling office.
Here are some terms for jumping off points in this article. I did NOT include the Urban dictionary on these, because those terms are harsh, and indicate some version of interpersonal violence... social cannibalism that I want to avoid here and work to avoid in counseling sessions.
Delude and deluded http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/delude
So, try to keep these things in mind over this other info and I'll come wrap up with this.
This week, NPR had a great interview in On Being (Thanks KGOU) with Thicht Nhat Hahn, a famous Nobel Peace Prize winner and Vietnamese Buddist Zen Master. In it he talks as he often does about how inaccurate information, untruths between people and in any circumstance develop a point of problem. This basically expands like a blanket poisoning circumstance, so things between any people or groups are estranged. The truth, cooperation and compromise are hidden.
That is part of how things like infidelity and "falling out of love" happen. The truth is not actively known and being used.
Then, I saw this folkloric style video that pretty much matched. It is an intriguing look at personal economy and what happens next... in choice... and things beyond one's control may remove the choice. Not so different in life. So here's the vid, called 9 Crimes by Damien Rice. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgqOSCgc8xc&list=RD02vKld_QNKH_U
And here's the lyric. http://www.metrolyrics.com/nine-crimes-lyrics-damien-rice.html
I spend a great deal of time providing education to my couples clients about how to discover their situation. If a couple comes forward and they are ready to discover themselves and their situation, that will require a number of things. Personal peacefulness, and the ability and desire to be honest about whatever comes by is NOT what rolls off their lips in early sessions.
So, in order to get to a next right thing, the first right thing is a desire to be HONEST and to be okay with discovery of self, other and circumstance.
Dishonesty comes about for many reasons, and sometimes the person(s) are clear they are dishonest and a couple may live with cooperative dishonesty. That is a completely different article.
Ok. Here's what I'd like for you to consider. ( and remember this is not comprehensively the answer to all things, it is merely an opportunity to look at a specific situation or concept).
The deluded couple or individual fail to consider their health and wellness really and spend much time in contortions that finally snap, because they aren't working from a level surface where all things are real or functional to start with, alone or together. Their self truth or what their relationship is made of is not honest.
The diluted couple or individual fail to use their true self to participate in all things life, not just their relationship. Distracted by work or life, addictions, mental health, stress, religious overbearing.. so many things.
The disintegrated couple or individual may or may not have it together, but over time somehow fall apart. What they do alone, with or to each other breaks each person and the relationship into tiny unworkable fragments. Like a shattered mirror. You can see the image, but it is pretty splintered. The couple or individual gets overwhelmed by trying to match pieces and often give up. People who have pre-existing issues of abuse, trauma or have exposure to abuse or trauma in a relationship are often at risk for this.
An individual or couple can be one or combinations or none of these things.
Being unavailable in a relationship, to self or others perpetuates untruths. People often tell me it was easier not to address the other person, or deny them directly. In NOT doing that the person is NOT addressing themselves accurately and it is basically a house of cards when they finally do express a wish or desire directly or in some random action of rebellion. The wonderful non-religious Southern expression "hell in a handbasket" comes to mind, because many broken or tipping things become obvious with that break and whoosh things can get complex and intense fast.
As Thicht Nhat Hahn pointed out, people who are mistrustful tend to look to the negative. A conflict, crisis or struggle with coping, grief and loss or mental health or addictions issues or medical problems ( if undiagnosed or unsuccessfully treated) put people at risk and agitate even the best circumstance.
Being gently honest about feelings, hopes, wishes, dreams and desires is part of how to avoid getting trapped as above. But, by that token nothing is all that simple. And even your best efforts may not be matched by your partner.
Backtrack this to the prior articles and the matched set helps develop options in places one may find there have been none.