So what if you’re a man who also uses hair product and your breath has constant undertones of coffee and self-deprecation? That fact is about as pertinent to you as is Owen Wilson’s nose to defining him.
When two people get into a legitimate fight in front of your face, it rarely looks like the stuff you see in a Jackie Chan movie. (Like Shanghai Noon, right Owen? Classic.) No, as a matter of fact, a boy you know who writes articles and isn’t allowed to use personal pronouns witnessed a fight at his local outdoor mall just a few months ago as he walked out of the theater with a charming young lady on his arm.
When she finally noticed the fight he had been staring at for thirty seconds trying to figure out what on earth was happening, she at last came to the conclusion that it was, in fact, a fight. And then she tensed up and became extremely uncomfortable, but let’s talk about that later. These guys looked like they were hugging vigorously. Nothing you haven’t seen in an MTV soap opera, right? Until they started flailing their arms, clawing at each other’s hair, pulling on one another’s shirts and otherwise making very little sense at all. As the boy and his lady walked nonchalantly by, another man began to shout at the two, as if to grace the scene with his commentary and spice up the fight with a little pulse-spiking inspiration for the two very pissed-off combatants. And then the final player came onto the board, running valiantly with his absence of hair blowing in the wind, rushing into the eye of the storm to stretch his arms out and take the final blow from the fighters on either side until they finally calmed down and lived happily ever after.
Not only is that a true story, but, if you look closely enough, it works as a three-point metaphor, which will now be presented in ascending order of importance.
1. The two men desperately grabbing for hair, skin and cloth to affect the other mimic the desperation of opinionated bullies grasping at straws of hate to take someone down.
2. The six people in the story represent the six people you will find in the world. The two men fighting are simply ordinaries who have opinions that clash. The uncomfortable girl on the boy’s arm is the blushing person who deals with the conflict by pretending it isn’t happening. The dude shouting in the background, urging the combatants on represents what you’ll see most of – the douches who throw themselves into arguments, using places such as YouTube as a medium, just for toots and titters. The guy who rushes in to save the day is the guy who rushes in to save the day (although that doesn't always work). And at last, the sixth person is the boy, the jerk who just wanted to go home and watch some Arrested Development and neither cared nor had the guts to intervene – sad, but true.
3. The third and final point of this long and convoluted metaphor begins with an apology. If you were too enraptured by this little side-story to notice that it doesn’t actually have any relevance to the title of this series, please accept a writer’s sincerest sorry. A guy saw a fight and that doesn’t really explain why people’s opinions don’t matter; it does, however, offer an example of total irrelevance, which, it turns out, is totally relevant to this particular entry.
So there it is at last: a point. Their opinions are irrelevant. Congrats on making this unmitigated disaster work.