In terms of really horrible television, the American viewing public has no shortage of dubious choices. Tonight, why not take a break from the normal awful, and spend some time with your loved ones, making actual eye contact? We're kidding, of course. No, tonight you have the option to take in President Barack Obama's fifth annual State of the Union address.
The speech will be familiar. The President will tout his infallible record, despite republican interference. He will spell out his ambitious plan for the future, which is sure to face republican opposition. He will detail a utopia where everything is well and good, except everything that is not permitted to be so by meddling republicans.
Sounds just like more of the same ol' misery, hey? It will be. But, you needn't go in unarmed. Grab a precious bottle of EFFEN Vodka out of you liquor cabinet. For the truly shortsighted, it's not too late to go to the store for some. It'll be worth it. Mix up a favorite cocktail, or use any of the suggestions linked here. Familiarize yourself with the following rules, then sit back and prepare to be far less bored than expected:
Whenever any of the following occur during the SOTU telecast, take a sip of your drink. We cannot emphasize this enough. EFFEN Vodka is not for swilling. Plus, it's Tuesday night for Barack's sake. Save your heavy consumption for this weekend. There's a fairly good drinking opportunity on Sunday.
- Standing Ovation - 1 sip
- Standing Ovation involving republicans - 2 sips
- Standing O involving just Joe Biden - 3 sips
- Closeups of Hillary Clinton - 1 sip
- Closeups of Bill Clinton - 1 sip
- Closeup of Bill Clinton paying actual attention - 3 sips
- Closeup of John Boehner - 1 sip
- Closeup of John Boehner not looking skeptical - 2 sips
- 2 sips if the President mentions the Affordable Care Act in the first 10 minutes
- 1 sip whenever the President says the word, "folks"
- 1 sip whenever the President says the word, "equality"
- 1 sip whenever the President says any of the following: "website", "roll out", "glitch", "disaster","enrollment", "g*ddamned republicans"
- If the President brings up Benghazi - finish your drink
- If Gov. Chris Christie is spotted in the audience - finish your neighbor's drink
- If the President gets through the entire address without making either a blatant or veiled reference to how George Bush screwed everything up in the first place - finish the bottle.