My girls in front of the fireplace...that is not our home.
I read our National Single Parenting Examiner's article on the new Lifetime show about deadbeat dads with great interest.
My own daughters' father is a deadbeat. He can't seem to hold down a job or residence long enough to be caught by the system, and he's a drug addict.
I once wrote that slave labor is probably the only solution, but national public humiliation is also good.
I'm not surprised by the backlash of the show, citing concerns for the children. I'm more concerned, however, of what those children actually lose by not getting the financial support they are owed.
The purpose of the financial support isn't mere folly. It's not about making a parent take responsibility for their actions. It's not about divorced parents trying to work together.
It's the cold, hard fact that raising children costs cold, hard cash. Without the money, children suffer.
Without the money, many children (and their parent that actually raises them) go without health insurance and regular check-ups. Without the money, children lose out on opportunities for a better education if they can't afford to live in the right neighborhood or pay for private school or pay for tutoring. Without the money, some single parents have to work more than one job and spend less time with their children.
We had to move last year because the condo I was renting was put up for sale, and I couldn't afford to buy it. My youngest daughter in particular often wishes out loud for a house, a backyard, and they both want their own room. I'm luckier than most, as I can provide the bare necessities on my salary. However, here in Los Angeles, even in this economy, I know I have no hope of ever being able to afford to provide them a house, and that sense of stability that comes with it. I have no savings - not even 3 months' worth if I lose my job (a very real possibility these days). If I lose my job, I wouldn't be able to afford our cost of living for even one month. The girls know that I do not have a college fund for them.
I agreed to even less than the LA Court's standards for child support with the hope that it would make it more viable to actually receive. I knew I could never count on it, yet it would have and could have, at the very least, been put in a savings account for the girls. I could have sent my daughter to a summer education enrichment program. I could have bought my oldest daughter clothes when she needed them, rather than waiting for my tax refund to get her the pants she so desperately needed. I could have taken my oldest daughter to therapy sooner and more frequently than having to worry about what it was costing me since the therapist is no longer covered by my insurance.
But even beyond the actual, tangible real benefits that children gain when they receive the child support they are owed, there is also something to be said for children seeing their parent (and in this tv show, a man) standing up and fighting for them. My children know that what makes me angry about not getting the child support is what I cannot give them by not having it. They know that I think they are worth the best of anything and everything.
I don't hold out hope that I'll ever receive the child support that my children are due. I was just informed that my child support case against their deadbeat will most likely be closed since I cannot provide an address or employer for him. There are hundreds of child support horror stories out there, and our story pales in comparison to those, and to those of other single mothers I know. My children will have to work very hard to get scholarships, and even then most likely still have loans in order to go to college. I will most likely never be able to retire (and am thankful every day for my job, where I hope to stay until I drop dead).
Still, my children will know that I tried. My children will know that I fought for what was rightfully theirs. And I, for one, will be tuning into this new show, and hoping to see at least some children get what they deserve.
Comments
You know that as a fellow struggling single mother with a deadbeat ex, I agree with everything you have said. In reading the orginal article, I had to add in that the public humilation of not being able to wear clothes that fit, go to basketball games OR play on team sports (city or school leagues), go to prom, etc...are far more detrimental to the children than watching their loser fathers get caught on national television.
It isn't just dads. I have both ends of the spectrum here in my house. I have custody of my 2 boys which I have only recv child support for about 5 months since 05' when he was ordered to pay. Nothing more. My husband has custody of his two kids as well but he only gets $30 a week for both kids and she makes more than I do. Yet there are times when we get nothing from her as well. They have an obligation as well. They brought the children into this world just as much as the custodial parent. Yet both of our non custodial parents can take trips to Hawaii, Flordia, Washington DC and everwhere else but we cant. We cant even afford to go to the water parks for our family of 7. I would not give up any one of my kids or change what I have and the time I have with them. But it would be nice if I got the money that I was owed for our children so they could do some fun things in life to -like thier deadbeat parent.
2 wrongs don't make a right. I stood up for women's rights in the seventies, eighties and nineties. Now women are using false statistics, rigged courtrooms and verbal abuse to destroy the parental rights of men.
I am the caretaker of my child, but a quack judge gave custody to my son's mother based on her lies and sex discrimination. Then next day, in a victorious mood, my ex called me a 'Deadbeat Dad". Well from 3 1/2 on my son has stood up to her and her maliciousness.
Prejudice comes in all colors and sexes. Fathers are the new n****rs And guess who is doing the lynching?
you're a deadbeat. as a father i would NEVER accept any excuse as to why a man can't support his kids. you made them why should the gov take MY money away from MY kids to support YOUR kids? I say put deadbeats to work off their debt otherwise the rest of us hard working REAL men get stuck with your bill. only deadbeats support deadbeats REAL fathers are tired of picking up YOUR slack losers!
To Oscar (and other dads),
This wasn't meant to be a recrimination against all fathers by any means. Unfortunately, though, deadbeat dads are still a very real thing for many of us single moms. I know there are deadbeat moms out there, too, and that's just as unfortunate for the children.
You're weak and you accept excuses or make excuses that's why HARD working dads have to take up the slack, because the baby mamas of these deadbeats let them walk all over them and then they go to the gov. for handouts. LEARN TO DEFEND YOURSELF and fight your own battle it's your family that MY family should not have to pay for.
Dear April,
It takes courage to be a Father these days. It also takes courage and vision to see through the fog of media sensationalism and reach out to another human being. So thank you.
Thank you for remaining open-minded. Perhaps you will search out the website of Fathers and Families and join the protest against a show that unjustly denigrated all Fathers. Until all Dads labeled as criminals have a trial by jury with due process they are not guilty. Anyone is in this country is subject to arrest. Never think you are immune.
After being a parent for six years, I know only one truth. And that is that every child loves his Mother AND loves his Father. And America has forgotten this fact. Parent and Woman are not the same word. There are some exceptions where one parent is so toxic that they must be removed from their child's life. But a child knows, if allowed to think and feel, that each parent has their talents and their failings. Even the worst parents are loved even as they are hated. This is the power and pain of our family ties. Let each parent who is without reproach throw the first stone.
The Courts in more than 77% of all situations must find a Good Parent and a Bad parent to feed the Family Law industry and its financial underpinnings. As the Good Witch says in 'Wicked', 'I know what it is to be popular.' With the wind at your back, it is easy to gloat in victory. But each mother that succeeds in having a Father excluded from her child's life, has won at the expense of their children's love and innocence.
Parents are just people. But the good ones are the real Superheros. And they come in all colors and sexes. And if they need clothes for their children, they shop at Goodwill, brew their own coffee and don't squander the family savings hiring family law Attorneys. Parenting is sacrific. Level the playing field, get juries into family courts, or better yet, get rid of them all together. Your child will only then have all the toys and tuxedos they need.
There is a woman on the 10 most Wanted Parent list. I guess we won't see her story until they produce America's 10 most Maliciious Moms. I have the story for the pilot episode. But I will never let that get in the way of caring for my child and will continue to take the high road 'in the best interests of the child'.
HELL no! Support your own kids or go to jail and work. STOP GOV. HANDOUTS. That's why our country is so broke. DEADBEATS SHOULD WORK OFF WHAT THEY OWE.
April, Thanks for the link. I added a link to your post in the original article as well.
This was a very difficult post for me to write objectively. I would like to keep my private life private but I will say that I finally obtained an income deduction order against my ex-husband. Since that time, his child support has been paid (at least as long as he keeps his current job)...everything before that time was wiped away in exchange for the IDO going forward. Emotionally, psychologically, my ex is a deadbeat. He says that I refuse him access to his children when he gives me 10 minutes notice that he wants to visit them. One thing I have learned from all of this is that there are most definitely two sides (three sides?) to every story. I say my ex is a selfish deadbeat, he says I'm a vindictive wench. My kids say that they love us both and want to have both of us in their lives.
I read through the entire Census Bureau report that I cited in the original post and there is so much information there that it makes your head spin. Like Mark Twain, I also believe that there are "lies, damn lies, and statistics." You can twist the statistics to say anything you want. Fathers & Families say that mothers are twice as likely to default on child support as mothers. I don't get that from the numbers I saw, but maybe I'm missing something. There was an AWFULLY lot of data there.
If you read the post at Fathers & Families, they quote CSE officials saying that 90% of the "deadbeat" dads' arrearages are incorrect, men are targeted because of arrearages that were resolved years ago, women are taken advantage of with complicated contracts that they don't understand, etc. I wish they had cited their sources on those numbers because that certainly would have made the issue a lot more black and white.
If a man is truly a deadbeat, living the high life while his children are in poverty, then there should be no limits to the measures that are taken to make him pay. Same thing for a non-custodial mother. However, if the numbers that Fathers & Families quote are correct, and even a few of the men that would be targeted by a program like this are not actually guilty of abandoning their children, the consequences could be truly tragic.
I also wonder about a "Megan's Law" type vigilante backlash.
Another excellent point is that most states require child support and visitation to be kept separate for a reason. I have a hard time imagining a loving parent refusing to pay child support but I can believe that it happens. In a case like that, the child support is an issue between adults...the man is emotionally supporting his children. A show like this could be catastrophic.
I think if there is going to be a show, it should be equal opportunity...spotlighting all deadbeat parents, not just dads. I also pray that there are measures in place to ensure that the people targeted are TRULY guilty before their reputations are ruined forever. I believe there is a special place in Hell for deadbeat parents, but if even one parent on the show is falsely accused, then I think the damage outweighs any possible good.
At any rate, the article was supposed to be about reporting the story, not my personal feelings on the issue and that's a good thing, because truly I'm torn.
I really appreciate everyone's thoughtful comments on the topic.
Having said that, the point of the article was not to pit moms against dads, but how deadbeats (of any gender) negatively impact their children.
You'll find out in coming years how you have damaged your children by publicly calling their father a deadbeat.
Unfortunately, your bad judgment is now memorialized forever on the internet.
GET YOUR KIDS OFF WELFARE SO I DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR MISTAKES DEADBEAT.
April...
My biggest problems with this show is the title... "Deadbeat Dads." This could be cleared up if they simply decided to change the name to "Deadbeat Parents." Simply put, there are non-custodial mothers out there that do not pay child support. Is the show going to target any of these NC mothers? The name suggests that they aren't. If anything, the name suggests that the show is just going to be an opportunity to spread misandry because men are a politically correct target that can be impugned without any consequences.
And for the record, if anyone doubts that deadbeat mothers exist out there, I will be more than happy to introduce you to my ex-wife. I still haven't gotten a dime of child support and have been the sole source of support for our son for 4 years.
Mark, I think the years of their father disappearing from their lives, his frequent trips to jail, and his broken promises have been much more damaging to my children than truth could ever be. I hid his problems from the girls when they were younger, but their therapist and I have found that being honest with them has helped them tremendously with their healing process.
Again, I reiterate, this is not a slam against ALL dads, but to defend a man who hasn't paid child support in 5 years, stole money from our family to pay for drugs when we did live with him, and hasn't provided for his kids in any way, shape or form doesn't help the cause for fathers' rights.
The money means nothing. I grew up a in very poor family but I was in one of the families that had both a mother and a father raising me.
You daughter deserves a father, not a atm machine. You screwed up the day you got pregnant from a drug user. You banished you daughter to grow up without a father in her life and instead of taking responsibilities for your mistake you would rather punish the druggie you banged.
It's time for you take responsibility for your own mistake and stop blaming others.
seriously .......... slave labour ??? you do know that a significant number of the men you would have fall under that category are black ???
Sorry you had the bad judgment to have kids with a loser, April, but that's not everyone else's problem, it's YOUR fault. Neither is your individual experience indicative of universal truth, although wymyn's studies would have us all believe that it is. We know what the truth is, and we're not going to let you or anyone else derail our efforts with false emotional appeals. What you've done in your article is the equivalent of a woman turning on the waterworks in a courtroom to try and sway the judge and jury. Too bad; doesn't work on us as well as it used to. Your situation stinks, but it isn't the norm in our society. We're tired of seeing fathers bad-mouthed while women file 70% of divorces. The campaign against this show isn't backlash; it's BLOWBACK. Get ready, ‘cause there’s more coming.
MAN how many deadbeats are there?! LISTEN ALL YOU LOSERS GET YOUR KIDS OFF THE SYSTEM CAUSE YOU'VE BANKRUPT THIS COUNTRY, PAY FOR YOUR OWN MISTAKES. THE REST OF US CITIZENS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF FEEDING CLOTHING AND PROVIDING SHELTER WHEN WE HAVE OUR OWN FAMILIES TO TAKE CARE OF. DEADBEATS SHOULD BE PUT IN A CHAIN GANG AND WORK OFF WHAT THEY OWE THE REST OF US. AS AMERICANS WE ARE LOSING VALUABLE RESOURCES BECAUSE OF SLIMMY SPERM DONORS AND THEIR SPINELESS BABY MAMAS. IF THE BABY MAMAS WOULD TRY AS HARD TO FORCE THEIR DEADBEAT BABY DADDYS TO PAY SUPPORT AS HARD AS THEY TRY TO GET WELFARE MAYBE WE COULD AFFORD TO PAY FOR MORE TEACHERS AND OTHER NEEDED GOV. WORKERS. WOMEN GET OFF YOUR AZZEZ AND DEMAND YOUR BABY BE SUPPORT BY THEIR SPERM DONORS. JUDGES NEED TO GET TOUGH WITH THESE DEADBEATS AND KEEP THEM IN JAIL UNTIL SOMEONE COUGHS UP THE MONEY TO BAIL THEM OUT OR GIVE THEM THE OPTION TO JOIN A CHAIN GANG AND WORK IT OFF LIKE A REAL MAN.
Derek - What do you mean that April should take responsibility for her mistakes instead of blaming others? I happen to know her personally and I believe that she has taken responsibility. She admits that she made a mistake in choosing her ex-husband (not some one-night-stand!) She made that mistake right by leaving him. She has raised her daughters on her own with no help from the father and little help from anyone else. She has tried repeatedly over the years to allow her ex to step up and be a father. When her girls were younger, she went to great lengths to shelter them from the truth about their father. When they were old enough to understand, she allowed them to form their own opinions about him and attempted to help them deal with the aftermath. How exactly is she shirking her responsibility?
I agree wholeheartedly that children need a father and not an ATM machine. However, just because a man (or woman) refuses to be a parent and provide for their children physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. does not release them from their responsibility to provide for their children financially. April's story is just one case (as she's said repeatedly) but her ex has chosen for himself the role that he will play in his children's lives. Some men don't have a choice and that is tragic, but attacking all mothers is no better than women who stereotype and bash all fathers.
April,
I am a father of a six year old boy. I was never married. I have always been an active part in his life. I have coached little league, attended every school function, read him to sleep and everything a father should do. Child support was set from the very beginning and has ALWAYS been deducted from my paycheck. I have never missed a payment. My financial obligation to my son has never stopped at that. I gladly pay for anything else he might need and will always do so. His mother and I have a very good relationship. A few months ago, I received a letter from the child support collection agency telling me I was in arrears of almost $1000. This was impossible in my opinion because payments were always deducted. It's impossible for me to be behind. I was threatened with having my drivers license taken away. Well, I see how that would help my son, who the courts have never met. Taking my license will clearly make it easier for me to get to work. Bringing my son places on the bus is obviously the better choice to them. Anyway, everything was eventually cleared up. Just wondering if the Deadbeat Dad show would come knocking at my door? If you would like to contact me, I would love to share the few thousand pictures and videos of my son and me over the years to prove I am the opposite from a deadbeat. Shows like this should never be allowed to air. While I know there are true deadbeats out there and I am truly sorry for you and your children if you have been involved with one but the family court system has created this problem. Until the system has been overhauled and men truly have the right to raise their children w/o fear of jailtime, singling out people on national TV will only continue to grow the myth of the deadbeat dad. Here is another question, would you promote a TV show that solely targeted women who prevented men from seeing their children? I strongly believe that in case of out-of-wedlock and divorce cases, 50/50 custody should be granted unless it can be proven detrimental to the child. That sounds like EQUALITY to me.
I doubt your story. You wouldn't be trying so hard to persuade people that there are "good deadbeat dads like you" if you in reality weren't just another deadbeat who just didn't pay. My brother pays child support and he has NEVER encountered an issue like the one you described. People who are not familiar with the system might bite but not this dad. Take care of your mistake and keep your problems out of MY POCKETBOOK. I'm sick and tired of my family's money going to support the problems that deadbeats like you make.
McCaffery is your typical "it's all about me" single mother. Keep in mind folks we are only hearing HER side of the story.
Quite telling is her bitterness and anger towards her ex (not to mention men in general equating them to nothing more than slaves)and that needs to be taken into account when examining the truth of what she is saying.
Further she claims to care about her kids but goes to great pains in the article to make sure we know SHE is going to let her children know how hard SHE fought for her kids ( in other words SHE will continue to denigrate the kids father until they hate him like she does). This woman claims to love her kids but does anything but. She simply wants to instill her anger and bitterness towards men and her ex and goes so far as to pubically denigrate their father - yeah that will make the kids feel better won't it.
perhaps the judge who awarded posession of the children to her should rexamine why it's in their best interest to be placed with a woman who clearly is vindicitive and doesn't seek ensure that the children and their father have a good relationship. Frankly the children should be taken away from this woman and NOW. She is an unfit parent - period.
Oh. My. God. I could spend an hour here trying to respond to all these idiots, but it wouldn't do any good. There are none so blind as those who will not see.
I will respond to just one idiot - the first commenter, DCR. He made this ridiculous and completely unfounded statement:
"perhaps the judge who awarded posession of the children to her should rexamine why it's in their best interest to be placed with a woman who clearly is vindicitive and doesn't seek ensure that the children and their father have a good relationship."
(I chose to leave the misspellings.)
As the still-married wife of a man who is currently going through drug rehab, and whom I love more than anyone or anything else in this world, I can assure Mr. DCR that it could never be in the child's best interests to be left in the care of an addict, for ANY length of time. I have canceled more activities, visits, and jobs than I can count because I cannot trust our children with their father. It has nothing to do with whether or not he loves them; it's about whether or not his love is stronger than the drug. It isn't. It can't be. That's why he has to go through rehab. And if he doesn't make it through, it will break my heart, but I may end up a single mother myself. And I will have to sit there and explain to a judge why my children cannot be left unsupervised with the only man I ever have and ever will love.
April is stating facts. Just because you and many other morons out there cannot accept those facts, doesn't change them. Your reality is warped. And you won't let anyone fix it because you can't abide the thought that you might be wrong. Take your insecurities and narcissism elsewhere, and stop bothering a woman who is doing all she can to keep her kids afloat now that their father has set them adrift. If you were one-tenth the fathers you claim to be, you would feel only disgust for a man who refuses to step up and take care of the kids he made.
I have been following this ridiculous discussion since the article was printed. She made a "mistake" in choosing her ex, huh? She is a typical all-about-me single-mother? When is this nation going to hold MEN accountable as well? I hear all of you men wanting to draw and quarter April for speaking her truth, and a truth that hits you close to home. Why don't some of you stop and think about the men who are DOING this to their children? Why are they not held accountable for their lack of responsiblity? And statistically speaking, there ARE more deadbeat DAD's than moms; otherwise the show probably would be called Deadbeat Parents. You men who ARE good fathers are, however, expecting to have your hind ends kissed for being parents, single or otherwise. You want to sit back and have the world tell you how great you are for being the exception to the rule, and you want we women to give you accolades for doing what we do every single day. I said this on Barbara's article and I will say it here as well: the day I get the same pay for the same work, the day I get applauded for the accomplishments in my life and my children's lives IN SPITE OF my single-parent status, the day I get a freaking medal for, um, being a PARENT, is the day I will gladly concede this whole argument. Good thing I am not holding my breath, isn't it?
I am a single mother (I get along with my ex)who has had the pleasure of actually meeting April and watching her in action with her girls; and I am appalled at some of the judgement I am seeing here.
Do any of you actually know her story, or are you just so bitter against your own ex-wives that you think it's ok to attack someone else in the same way you feel attacked? If that's the case, you are no better than what you are accusing her of. How ironic.
There are injustices out there for BOTH genders, but in her case, the injustice is male. Certainly she has a right to discuss her opinion on it. I don't think she's asking for an ATM machine, just more involvement in helping to raise their children. My ex doesn't pay child support, but he does buy our son shoes if he needs them, he's very involved in his daily life, he does other things so that I don't HAVE to ask for support. My ex is a stand-up guy, not all ex's are.
I do agree that the show might sound less "man-hater"-ish if it didn't just focus on dad's. I work with a man who is single-handedly raising his daughter. Mom hasn't been in the picture for ages.
Kori..
I do not understand you anger. First off, there are more deadbeat dads than moms b/c courts give mother's full custody. I am more than happy to accept 50% of the burden you feel you have. Stand up for shared parenting and let's see where the real deadbeats are. I'm reading your post and am getting more confused. If men do the wrong thing, we should be vilified. If we do the right thing, we should shut up. Why aren't we allowed to have an opinion? Why am I not allowed to show I'm doing the right thing when society is trying to tell me I'm not important? As for equal pay? That has been proven to be a myth many times over and I'm sure you know that.
kori , im at work so cant find details here but its been shown that a higher percentage of non custodial mothers than fathers do default on payments thats us census proven, the point behind eveyones anger tonight is simple, deadbeats are deadbeats regardless of gender, men in the us are being held accountable for children that arent there own there are men who are unemployed and who cant get modifications its imbalanced just now, the authour said in the comments that this wasnt about moms v dads, her writing and words dont give the same impression im afraid.
Yes, Apirl the world revolves around you and God knows, we can't do anything with our children if it doesn't cost money. You can't afford housing because YOU CHOSE to live in one of the most expensive cities in not only the US, but indeed, the world. An intelligent person might relocate to somewhere more affordable. Some times in life we just have to make due, whether we're "owed" child support or not. How about instead of expensive "summer educational enrichment" we take our kids to a public library and teach them how to learn on their own. You know education occurs every day without a paid teacher lecturing. Oh my, your kids might have to work their way through college like thousands of other people? The humanity of it all. It's good for kids to earn their education, something earned is always more valuable than something given.
If you're kids don't have health insurance then you aren't taking advantage of the many social programs your state has to offer.
Across the globe millions of children wake up every day wondering if they're going to have food, or be drafted into a child army. The "lucky ones" in these enviroments have jobs in sweat shops, where childhood diseases that are extinct in the west kill and mame them for life. And here we have another American sodd whining because her unremarkable children don't get to go the best schools and have unlimited entertainment resources.
As for slave labor, I'd wager Apirl is behind on a few bills. How about we put you in a work camp so that you can be forced to pay the people you owe. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
You are a deadbeat and I'm sick of my money supporting your problems. Read men are sick of the parasites that infect society like you.
Natalie,
I would like to just say that I appreciate your opinion. I have never met April. I am not going to judge her or any decisions she made. I'm sure she loves her children very much. The problem I have with this show is that it obviously is focusing on bashing men. Society has this view of divorced/never married men with children. Going after "deadbeats" is not the answer. The only answer is solving the problem before it begins. If there were 50/50 custody, most of the problem would go away. If there were a show that got April's ex in rehab, then helped him get a job and be there for his children, wouldn't that help everyone out more than going after people and harassing them? Why not help solve the actual problem?
@ Alan:
"If men do the wrong thing, we should be vilified. If we do the right thing, we should shut up....... Why am I not allowed to show I'm doing the right thing when society is trying to tell me I'm not important?"
EXCELLENT point, Alan, thankyou SO much! Kori has been asking that question for years. So has April. If you find an answer, please let us know. If you really believe that custodial single fathers are viewed the same way as custodial single mothers, you are simply living in denial.
"perhaps the judge who awarded posession of the children to her should rexamine why it's in their best interest to be placed with a woman who clearly is vindicitive and doesn't seek ensure that the children and their father have a good relationship.""
Oh really, how do you know she hasn't done everything in her power to involve the father in their lives? How do you know that any decision made otherwise wasn't made with her kids best interests at heart?
You do realize that you are doing NOTHING for your reputation by coming here and attacking April like this, right? You want to call her bitter and vindictive? Go ahead, but look in the mirror while you're doing it.
"If there were a show that got April's ex in rehab, then helped him get a job and be there for his children, wouldn't that help everyone out more than going after people and harassing them? Why not help solve the actual problem?"
Well, I can't yell at you for this one because I used to think the same thing. Unfortunately, the success rate for rehab is extremely low. My husband has been to rehab at least 5 times without success. But, I'm still giving it another try. I won't give up until I think I've done all I can. April reached that point, and no one else has a right to judge the decision she made.
I think your intentions are good, but you need a bigger dose of reality before jumping in here. I'll have to say that I do think reality shows who target people for any reason are reprehensible. I think this show is horrible because of what it will do to the kids. But the fact is that every genre of human out there gets exploited in some way, and this is just the "Deadbeat Dads" turn. It isn't right, but it's also not April's fault, AND it's not as wrong as some of the commenters want us to think.
Alan, thanks for the bit of reason. This is obviously a heated topic for both sides.
Honestly, I would be happy to give my ex 50/50 custody of our son if it comes down to that (we have been separated for two years, but are not *officially* divorced yet); but I don't think that would be right in all cases. Knowing the history of April's ex as I do, I would not recommend 50/50 custody. I would say the same if the roles were reversed.
// "Again, I reiterate, this is not a slam against ALL dads, but to defend a man who hasn't paid child support in 5 years, stole money from our family to pay for drugs when we did live with him, and hasn't provided for his kids in any way, shape or form doesn't help the cause for fathers' rights." //
Duh!! Do you see anyone defending your loser ex here? Nice try. What we ARE trying to tell you (not that you're capable of listening) is that it's YOUR FAULT for having kids with a deadbeat loser in the first place. I also think that your support of the show IS in fact a slam against all dads - at least all divorced dads. This is proven by the very fact that you don't call for a show that highlights deadbeat moms as well. Look, some people might feel sorry for your situation, but that doesn't mean everyone's going to suspend their judgment.
Deadbeats need to be put on a chain gang for at least 8 hours a day to work off their debt. Look what's happening now, deadbeats expect the rest of us hard working citizens to pay for their mistakes. I for one am sick of their crap and I'm by no means a minority in my opinion.
Sorry, I thought I'd said this already, but reading through, I didn't state it implicitly. I would totally be fine with the show changing its name to "Deadbeat Parents" and high-lighting deadbeat moms as well as deadbeat dads.
I'm not going to comment on my ability to parent, or whether or not I've taken responsibility for my actions. In the end, my children will be the judge of that.
"I once wrote that slave labor is probably the only solution..." -I have to question the morality of anyone who would say this.
Often wondered what people who support these kinds of thoughts think of adoption? If a custodial parent is due money no matter what, no matter the real needs of the child, Perhaps parents who put children up for adoption should also be hunted down and forced to pay as well. It only makes sense, the children are still owed that money from their biological parents. Why are they not paid?
"My children know that what makes me angry about not getting the child support" This is a common issue i see with custodial parents. Why would the children be aware of your anger about this. Why are children aware of child support issues at all?
I think parents SHOULD support their children, but there are huge problems with the current system and a great deal of common sense is thrown right out the window with this stuff.
I am a child of the system and am currently in it myself. I have seen it from both sides and seen many of the issues.
Allot of the time the ammounts make assumptions to keep the same standard of living for only one of the house holds. This doesn't make sense. With a split up both house holds need to take a marked dip as there are now two house holds that need to be supported.
Natalie,
Maybe the reason the previous poster noted the authors alienating nature is that she herself makes no effort to indicate that she has made any real effort to keep the father involved, and has taken every effort in her story to vilify her ex.
In the author's defense, she is not alone, such behavior by mothers who feel that any interaction with the father will jeopardize the own relationship and power over their kids, or their child, er I mean spousal support (nothing in law requires a dime to be spent by the custodial parent on the kids).
OH MY GOSH. DID YOU REALLY JUST TRY TO SAY THAT ITS THE BABY MAMAS RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE THE BABY DADDY STAY IN CONTACT WITH THE BABY???!! THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE MOST ASININE SH1T I HAVE EVER READ. IM A REAL DAD AND AS HEAD OF MY HOUSEHOLD THERE IS NO WAY I NEED ANYONE TO FORCE ME TO DO ANYTHING THAT I ALREADY KNOW IT MY PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY AS THE FATHER. A REAL MAN DOESN'T USE EXCUSES OR LET OTHERS MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM. IT IS WHAT IT IS AND IF IT ISN'T THEN IT'S NOT, WHY SHOULD I NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF IF I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING. A FATHER WHO DOES NOT TALK TO HIS KIDS ON A REGULAR BASIS HAS ALREADY ABANDONED THEM. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF MY TAX MONEY GOING TO SUPPORT THE MISTAKES OF THESE IDIOTIC BOYS WHO HAVE BABIES BECAUSE THEY CAN BUT AREN'T MAN ENOUGH TO SUPPORT THEIR CREATION. BRING BACK THE CHAIN GANG FOR THE DEADBEATS AND GET THEIR KIDS OFF WELFARE.
Wow. There are so many extremes here. I am not looking to judge individual cases. I'm not going to condemn April for her decisions b/c as much as we can blame her for having children with a "loser", we can be blamed for the same thing. I'm pretty sure that April is a decent person, doing the best she can under very hard circumstances.
Let's go back to the issue at hand; this TV show. Simply put... it's sexist. Yes..there are deadbeat dads. I don't think anyone is denying that. I can't fathom why a person wouldn't want to support their children. If someone is truly a deadbeat then yes, they should be punished. Do I think they should be plastered on TV? Not at all.
The one thing everyone should be able to agree on here is that we love out children. No matter what the situation, someone's father should not be publicly stoned. Children should be protected from all of this. You want to be angry at deadbeats who don't pay. I understand. You want to get a collection agency b/c you feel you are wronged, I might argue with you but I can understand that. Just don't put it on TV.
Okay I will clear up two things.
1) The slave labor remark was in another posting, which you can access here, about how frustrating it is to try and receive child support. Fathers dealing with deadbeat moms: you know how hard it is to get. It's not hard for someone to squirm their way out of meeting the court's obligations, and that was my point about that.
2) For the record, I spent the first five years after our separation trying to find ways to keep their dad involved in their lives. Their father did not fight for custody in any way, so I was granted sole legal custody, with conditions upon the visitation that their dad be clean and sober. I even chaperoned some visits, when he did show up, and often, he wouldn't even show.
You can choose to believe me or not, I really have no control over that.
April,
Your article, while factual as to YOUR life, could equally have been written by a man who had 2 kids with a woman who had been as bad as your husband, no?
But had one of your collegues suggested that some women face:
"I once wrote that slave labor is probably the only solution, but national public humiliation is also good."
I sincerely wonder how happily you'd endorse such an idea.
My background on this subject is this: I a not a father who lost custody of a child, I am a son who's mother decided to deny me any contact with my father out of a sense of vindicitiveness (how dare he go on and find another woman and get married after my father and mother divorced!).
She threw away presents, cards, and denied visitation at every turn. I saw him, MAYBE, less than a dozen times in 12 years.
Oh, she went after him for child support, but alleged a lot against him (I was there - the stuff didn't happen) to keep him away.
For years I was told he just didn't want me. She told me I was unloved by him. Every thing that can be said to make you not trust, love, or desire communication with another person was drilled into me.
I could go on, but even in my early 20's, after YEARS of this, I reached out to him. I wanted 2 things -
1) To have a realationship (primary)
2) But I needed money for college too. I was an avaiation major and that's freaking expensive.
In the end, in a private discussion with my mother he told her he would try to get me into the US Army Aviation school so I could be a helicopter pilot.
My mother? She was angry at him, wanted MONEY sent to HER (to be doled out to me), and NEVER FREAKING TOLD ME I COULD HAVE GONE TO THIS SCHOOL.
I only found out, coincidently, the same year I became ineligible, by age, to attend that school.
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If you think this show is so legitimate, than allow me to suggest a few more. They will seem harsh, but that's because equality often is.
"Paternity Fraud Squad" - A show where women who have named the wrong guy as the father, and the courts have made him pay for children that are not his, confonts the women who have committed this terrible act, to humiliate the woman into freeing the man from his wage-slavery.
(the same thing you just advocated)
Or:
"Falsely Accusing Moms" - a show where women who use false claims of abuse (sexual or domestic) are confronted on camera and named and shamed. The show would highlight this time honored divorce tactic to show the damage it does to families, but also pull the carpet back to see how often it happens, how it's never punished, which judges are complicit, and urging that false accusers face prison.
Or -
"Vindicitive Moms" - this show would use hidden cameras and ambush tactics to expose and humiliate women who deny "visitation" to their ex-Husbands. Watch them falter, cry, scream, and spit as they use 15 ways to Tuesday to explain away their violating a COURT ORDER.
Or
"Abandoning Moms" - This show would use hidden cameras and ambush tactics on the MILLIONS of women who have decided that "motherhood isn't for me" or "I can't afford it" or "I'm just not ready" - the women who use "safe haven laws" or the "adoption laws" to get rid of the responsibility of children they had.
This last show might be controversial, but only because ONLY WOMEN can legally opt out of taking responsibility of children they have brought into the world. As Orwell said: "Some animals are more equal than others"
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What I wrote was SATIRE, but only slightly so. I ask you April, and I say this respectfully and gently, to consider that if you think if ANY of the above shows are "beyond the pale" or "that's different" then you are letting blinders due to gender color your views.
I hope I have added to the discussion.
Steven
I should also note that there is no way this should be on TV.
If my father had been on this show when I was growing up it would have torn me apart. If any of my friends put it together I would have been completely humilated on top of that in school. Even if they DID make it less sexist and call it Parents instead of dads, and put moms on there. It would still be horrid.
Steven,
I can't encompass my entire life in one single article, but friends who know me know that one of my pet peeves is women who don't appreciate good husbands. My personal experience is knowing more women that have been hurt by men, but I know that's because of my own experience. We judge the world by our own personal schemas, so I wouldn't be surprised in the least to know that you know more men that have been hurt by women.
I spoke honestly about this because that's the only way I know how. I know I have a biased on this, and I wanted to state why. (I also made a point of saying that I'm actually lucky that I can provide for my children myself - without child support or being on welfare - but part of the reason for that is because I live in Los Angeles which, while expensive, is where my family is, and they provide emotional support, babysitting, and other non-tangibles to my children's lives that make it easier for me.)
People are making some very valid points about whether or not the television show should even air. Personally, I wouldn't put my family on the show, but I can understand a parent's desperation (particularly if they aren't able to support their children on their own) to try it. But I suppose none of us can really judge how helpful it'll be until we see how they produce it.
@ Alan: A myth? Oh, yes, that is why our President recently signed the Lily Ledbetter Fair Act. Right, I forgot, he really only did that as a publicity stunt to perpetuate this myth. Mmmmhmmm. Gotcha. In addition, you don't understand my anger? Are you freaking kidding me? Funny, of all of the bitter, angry words spoken on this page by some of these men, you choose me to target? I find that hilarious in the extreme.
Kori .... consad report look it up on google its a report done by the gvt , was funnily taken down just before the ledbetter farce , it states clearly there is no wage gap its a myth.
The vast majority of so-called "deadbeat" dads aren't paying because they can't. For you to generalize your own experience to all ex-husbands who fall behind, mostly due to circumstances beyond their control, is grossly unfair.
In an intact family without divorce, when dad suffers a severe financial setback, the entire family tightens their belts -- little Amber has to skip dance lessons, Jasper can't play hockey, and maybe both have to postpone college. To use your words, "without the money, children suffer." That's a fact of life.
But after dad is no-fault-exiled from the family and confined to bi-monthly visitation rights with the children he used to tuck in every night, if he suffers the exact same severe financial setback through no fault of his own, your solution for him is slave labor or public humiliation.
The concepts of family working together through hard times, of fairness, of respecting dad's dignity -- are all gone because you have decided he should be punished.
We understand that you have a problem with a man; but your column suggests it might go deeper and that, like Lifetime, maybe you have a problem with men.
Deadbeats need to be put in a chain gang so they would stop having kids and not be the burden on society that they and the mistakes they make are. Hard working citizens should not have to give handouts to the families of these bums, they should be forced to take care of their own.
Pierce,
I actually don't think I've generalized very much, but if you do, then I apologize.
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