In a society where we have become extremely technological, many people have disconnected from nourishing relationships in favor of virtual ones. From television viewing, to Internet surfing, to text messaging – people are spending more time with their phones and computers than with their families.
REGULATING OUR EMOTIONAL STATES
The co-regulation of emotional states, once available to teens through sharing with their parents, seems to have gotten interrupted by less emotionally fulfilling forms of interaction. I fear that this situation will leave teenagers less equipped to handle the pressures of life and navigate the waters of intimate relationships.
WHAT HAPPENED TO FAMILY TOGETHERNESS?
Father’s who used to take the weekend off can now be seen answering calls or emails in the middle of a family activity. Teens who once used to sit down together for dinner and talk to their parents or siblings, now text their friends instead of speaking to the person sitting right next to them!
PARENTS LEAD BY EXAMPLE
As a Teen Therapist, I feel it is essential that parents set aside time to provide their teenager with focused, non-judgmental attention. This will allow them to broaden their parent-child interactions, and develop a secure and joyful attachment between the parent and teen.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR TEEN:
1. Set aside 20 minutes a day where there are no interruptions. Turn off cell phones and try to pick a time when you do not have other things that either of you need to be doing.
2. Let your teenager know that this time will be your special time together, and that you have no expectations on how this time will look.
3. Follow your adolescent’s lead. Talk about whatever they want to talk about. Discover what they want from you during this time. Do they want you to admire them? Respond to them but do not take over and direct them.
4. Observe, and make space to wonder about what your teen is telling you. Enter their world and reflect on their experience of life.
5. Avoid giving advice or showing displeasure with what they are offering to share with you.
6. Instead, make observations and/or ask questions about what you hear. (”You sound proud of yourself. What are you planning to do next?”)
7. Have fun. Try to give yourself over completely to the enjoyment of a glimpse into your teenager’s life. You will only find it boring if your mind is stuck in the adult world. Try to be entirely present with your teen. Your adolescent will tell you a lot about themselves and their world if you allow yourself to be receptive.
8. Remember this is not a teaching time. Try to avoid praising or criticizing. You want the motivation of making good choices to ultimately come from within the teenager rather than through praise or punishment.
9. Sometimes, these conversations may elicit strong reactions or uncomfortable feelings on the part of the parent. These reactions may be helpful to reflect on in a supportive setting, like with a parent educator, therapist or another parent you feel safe with. It is important to understand what your feelings mean in regards to your relationship with your child.
10. Try to spend some quality time together every day, particularly during times of stress in the teen or family’s life.
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Comments
Time parents spend with their children away from technology is time well spent. Excellent advice.
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