Back in the 70's and 80's it was not uncommon to see parents yelling at or hitting their children in public. Either parents today are savvier about child rearing or they have learned to keep it indoors, as occurrences of public discipline have been on the decline.
Most parents have their child's best interest at heart. Of course there will always be those who have unresolved anger issues stemming from their own fear-ridden childhood and their lack of discipline as an adult. But overall I think parents today are more enlightened than they were in the 70's.
Today most of the parenting questions I get have to do with childhood development and of course discipline. Child development is an easy fix - just go to the library and check out a book on the latest research on childhood development. The issue of discipline is another matter.
Although parents seem to be better educated these days about the harmful ramifications that accompany negative reinforcement, there still seems to be a segment of the population that want to hold onto their belief that hitting - spanking a child - is the best way to "get their attention" or to "make a point." Their theory is often wound around their own childhood and the fact that they were hit by their parents.
I don't buy the argument that "I was hit and I turned out OK." In fact you didn't turn out OK. You were never taught how to parent without violence and that is not OK. If your parents had disciplined you effectively, without violence, you would in fact find it perplexing that anyone could hold onto the misinformed belief that spanking was the right way to teach a child.
Parent’s spank because they feel frustrated. Instead of taking a deep breath and thinking of a way to teach their child a preferred behavior they strike out at their little one to vent that frustration. The child learns that those who they trust can turn on them without notice. They often grow into adults who have difficulty making right choices. It is common for adult children of violence to rationalize abuse from a spouse or partner later on in life.
No positive learning comes from spanking. Think about it. It your employer came up to you and angrily smacked you for making a mistake how would you feel about your relationship with him or her? Would you suddenly understand how to stop making mistakes in the future? Would your work ethic improve? Children experience those same feelings, they just don’t yet have the size or mental ability to fight back.
Discipline that teaches the child how to reason and make correct choices in life involves patience, self-discipline and time. It requires the parent to actively participate in the learning process with the child and it requires that a parent be willing to set aside their selfish desires and attend to the problem at hand.
Parenting without violence produces children, and later adults, who do not have a propensity for violence themselves. They tend to grow into people who understand the difference between right and wrong - not because someone beat them into submission but because they were given the skills that enabled them to take on life's drama with courage and self confidence. They are better able to generalize life’s lessons and apply them to any situation that arises.
If you have difficulty figuring out how to parent without violence, get yourself to a library and start reading up on healthy alternatives to disciplining your children. Check into a parenting group that teaches you how to teach your children. Make parenting a happy loving experience; you will be glad you did.
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