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Some pointers on relationship boozing

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For couples and singles alike, one thing particularly makes anniversaries easier to swallow: booze, and in some cases LOTS of it.
So, consider the following options--
Red wines: The domain of serious couples. Best with cow-based dishes. Great for getting women 'in the mood for love'...but not so great for guys as it's a blood thinner, which may affect 'plumbing.' Enjoy it while you can though, for while it's easily the sexiest avenue to inebriation, the hangover's a bitch.
White wines: For the puppy-love type couple, with the exception of pinot gris, which in essence is halfway to red (my theory anyway). A fun, more sociable way to get playful; best for couples just starting out, or for Methodists. Goes well with fish and chicken, or sushi if eaten off the body of your belle/beau.
Rose wines: Really? Suit yourself. A warning, though--only pussies drink blush. If you're a girl, go right ahead. If you're a guy, well, you are what you drink, and you and the GF might have to decide who wears the strap-on for the evening. Crude, but true.
Beer: Reserved for singles, generally, or for redneck pairs, if domestic. Imports, particularly German, English and Italian, go well for the casually suave couple who believe the ritual of a red wine is bourgeois and/or 'pompous.' Inadvisable for serious couples, however, as beer's notorious bloating effects can make intimacy potentially uncomfortable or a bit nasty. Good for singles who take the day in stride.
Liquor: Exclusively for singles, or for the 'Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?' line of dysfunctional alcoholic couples. Best if Anniversaries makes you a little depressed, though can lead to serious repercussions, most often of crying in one's solitude or of hooking up with random 'regrettables.'
These are, of course, just guidelines. Actual use conditions may vary per person/partnership. Just remember to drink plenty of water, and for God's sake, use protection. There're already way too many people around these days, if you haven't noticed--and irrevocable stupidity is genetically inherited.

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