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Snowcialism Part III

This wasn’t intended to be a recurring series. Honest. I’ve never been a big fan of the wintertime, but I could cope with its issues as well as everyone else. Until this season. Without knowing it, sometime in December we all suddenly relocated to Wasilla, New Jersey.

Washington Post columnist Joel Achenbach recently recalled the words of Edgar Allan Poe after the Titanic hit the iceberg when he said, “I rang for ice, but this is ridiculous.” Achenbach also made the sensible suggestion that meteorologists change the measurement of snow from inches to yards. Sounds logical from here.

Some newspapers are reporting that the Philadelphia area is about to set a new record for winter snowfall. Newsflash: Not all records were meant to be broken. People are also reporting that we have received more snow this winter than Vancouver, home of the 2010 Winter Olympics.

Are we expected to draw any satisfaction from that announcement? In the West Deptford section of South Jersey, our Olympics take place on a daily basis, not seasonal. They happen on Route 45.

It’s so heart-warming to realize that a two-foot snowfall does not keep the idiots from coming out to play. Not. When drivers are passing me like I’m standing still two days after the storm, I begin to have thoughts that are not all that neighborly. I’m not that old, I swear. I drive a convertible, damn it! Which is a real magnet for the ladies in the off-season. Salt, dirt, and snow all over it, everything they love.

But I digress. Wishing certain drivers a week or so in traction is not exactly the spirit of community we are looking for during all this. Granted, it might tighten up their remaining brain cells a bit.

Then of course, Route 45 is backed up even further due to drivers making their regular snow alert pilgrimage to Shop-Rite. Synchronized shopping from the summer Olympics comes into play in the winter in these parts. They make these runs every three days now, since that’s how often we receive two feet of snow. Is all the food gone from the last run they made just two days ago? I see we’ve traded in our New Year’s resolution gym membership for a gift card from Sam’s Club.

Actually, this has to be the cabin fever talking, because I don’t normally complain this much. No, actually I do. But I’ve learned many new things to complain about since it started snowing. Like, did you know weatherman Hurricane Schwartz has a storm strength level chart set up like the terror color alert chart? Glenn’s chart starts at the bottom for trivial, and moves up the intensity levels from there.

I’m sorry, but there is no reason for this other than to scare people. And the promos weather people give between the local networks’ news blocks are no better. “More snow on the horizon? Stay tuned with us at 6.”

Uhhh…no. The majority of viewers will head for their SUVs and head to Route 45 and Shop-Rite after hearing that news. People are easily manipulated. We’re not that smart.

Anyway, here we go again. There is actually some decent news I found from the first two foot snowstorms. Even that much snow is easier to shovel in its powdery form, as opposed to when it is mixed with rain or ice. It helps. Less wear and tear on the back.

I just heard Glenn Schwartz say that this latest storm is supposed to begin as rain and snow showers. I’d like to rock you like a hurricane, Glenn.

Look, a Scorpions reference. Cabin fever is worse than I thought.

Glenn, can you find spring anywhere on your charts? Please?


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