Slay bells screaming: psycho Santa cinema

Santa Claus made his customary appearance at the 11th annual Oakland Holiday Parade this past Saturday, December 4. He was his usual jolly self; the fat, friendly, familiar fraternal figure whom children of all ages around the globe know and love. But…there is a dark side to Santa only cult movie connoisseurs know (or care) about. I’m not talking about relatively innocuous, mega-popular holiday hybrids like Joe Dante’s Gremlins (1984) or Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993).  These seasonal slashers are far more subversive and sinister. Presented for your likely disapproval are seven Kooky, Kool, Kreepy, and Krazy Kris Kringle flicks to stuff the stockings of evil elves everywhere, festive fun from the freaky fringe:

Santa Claus (1959) - okay, this isn’t about a psycho Santa, but it’s definitely a psycho flick about Santa - from Mexico, no less. It’s a very strange, imaginative, and vibrantly colorful version of the Santa legend guest-starring none other than Satan himself. Notorious schlockmeister K. Gordon Murray released this surreal slice of South of the Border cheese stateside, to almost zero acclaim.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) - this pop-cultural curio is just as bizarre as it sounds. Santa is elevated to the status of superhero as he rescues two kidnapped children from Martians who watch way too much Earth TV, like most of the people who’ve actually seen this flick. The robot is awesome. This lowbrow, low-budget sci-fi favorite remains a guilty pleasure for all except for those who have no shame. (I’ll be hosting screenings of both this and Santa Claus at my monthly "Forbidden Thrills" movie nite at Forbidden Island Tiki Lounge in Alameda this coming Monday, December 13, 7:30.)

Black Christmas (AKA Silent Night, Evil Night, 1974) - The mysterious, whispering voice ominously intoning, “It’s me, Billy,” will chill you long after the final credits (and heads) roll. No Santa suit in sight, but this seminal slasher flick, set primarily in a sorority house, predated and obviously influenced John Carpenter’s higher-profile holiday horror hit Halloween by four years and is the most disturbing and genuinely frightening film of its kind ever made. Like Alfred Hitchcock’s prototypical Psycho (1960), the intensity of certain scenes, particularly the final fifteen minutes, is almost unbearable, even after multiple viewings and foreknowledge of events. The "he's calling from inside the house" plot device was outright ripped-off by later films such as When a Stranger Calls (1979). The stellar cast includes Olivia Hussey, John Saxon, Keir Dullea and Margot Kidder. Director Bob Clark (who died in a tragic car accident at age 67 in 2007) ironically went on to give us the perennial holiday favorite A Christmas Story (1983) as well as landmark teen sex comedy Porky’s (1982). He also made the zombie classics Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things (1973) and Deathdream (AKA Dead of Night,1974). The 2006 remake of Black Christmas is slick but offers way too much back-story and isn’t nearly as effective. 

Christmas Evil (AKA You Better Watch Out, Terror in Toyland, 1980) - Brandon Maggart in unforgettable as Harry Stadling, an emotionally disturbed Jersey toymaker who is so obsessed with all things Christmas that he lives the holiday year-round, ironically inspired by a harshly revelatory childhood event, scarring his soul for life. One bad Christmas Eve Harry snaps, donning a Santa outfit and going on a murderous rampage. The fact that his demented character remains so sympathetic despite his horrific (and hideously hilarious) acts is a testament to both Maggart’s acting chops and the wickedly witty screenplay. Reportedly one of John Waters’ favorite films, it has gained a considerable following since its obscure release thirty years ago. Peaches Christ presents the Bay Area big screen premiere of this macabre mini-masterpiece as part of a special “Midnight Mass” show this Saturday, December 11, at the Bridge Theater in San Francisco, with writer/director Lewis Jackson in person.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) - this super-sleazy grindhouse gorefest definitely puts the “X” in “Xmas.” It concerns yet another deranged social misfit with the name of Billy (Robert Brian Wilson), who as a small boy witnesses a criminal in a Santa outfit brutally murdering his parents. After being raised in a strict, repressive orphanage, Billy finds employment in a market where he is asked to dress up as Santa, despite his childhood trauma. Naturally this association results in yet another yuletide massacre, co-triggered by the sight of sex. It’s not as psychologically deep as it sounds. This is pure (or rather, deeply impure) exploitation that many would find incredibly offensive, and others will find quite entertaining. It spawned several sequels, too.

Bad Santa (2003) - Billy Bob Thornton milks one of the great roles of his career as an alcoholic shopping mall Santa named Willie Stokes, who along with his dwarf sidekick Marcus (Tony Cox) robs the place one night. He returns to his estranged ex-wife (Lauren Tom), relocates to another mall, hooks up with a sexy bartender (Lauren Graham), and befriends a lonely Kid (Brett Kelly) before further amoral hi-jinks ensue. The late Bernie Mac is hilarious as the mall security chief, and the late John Ritter, in his final film, co-stars as the mall manager. Director Terry Zwigoff, who also made the excellent documentary Crumb (1994) and the equally outstanding graphic novel adaptation Ghost World (2001), along with co-writers Joel and Ethan Coen, give us possibly the most acerbic, deeply disturbed, unabashedly cynical “Christmas movie” ever made. It’s a classic. Be sure to watch the uncut DVD, dubbed Badder Santa.

Santa’s Slay (2005) - pro-wrestler Bill Goldberg turns in a tour-de-force performance as the “real” Santa: Son of Satan, for whom Christmas was originally a day to slay until he lost a “curling” match in 1005 AD to an archangel (Robert Culp!), who challenged him on a bet; as loser, Santa had to give up his evil killing ways and instead become the benevolent being of folklore, delivering presents to all every December 25th for exactly one thousand years. Flash-forward to the year 2005, all bets are off, and Santa, with fire-breathing hell-deer leading his sleigh, immediately reverts to his murderous, demonic roots. The movie opens with a dinner scene featuring James Caan and Fran Drescher as heads of a dysfunctional family who become Santa’s first post-millennial victims after he crashes through their chimney. This is all much, much funnier than it sounds.

After you’ve had your sack-full of sick anti-Santa stories, cleanse your palate with Miracle on 34th Street (1947) and some warm eggnog, spiked with holiday cheer, not fear.