"Boys today are in serious trouble, including many who seem “normal” and to be doing just fine. Confused by society’s mixed messages about what’s expected of them as boys, and later as men, many feel a sadness and disconnection they cannot even name. New research shows that boys are faring less well in school than they did in the past and in comparison to girls that many boys have remarkably fragile self-esteem, and that the rates of both depression and suicide in boys are frightening on the rise. Many of our sons are currently in a desperate crisis.
We now understand that girls lose their voices as they enter their teens, and are becoming lost not only to themselves, but also to us, mostly as a result of society’s gender stereotypes about girls. Spurred by these insights, we are starting to make some progress in helping girls gain greater freedom, speak in their true voices, be heard and become empowered so they can better develop their individual capacities and strengths as women.
But what of their brothers? And what of our sons?"
Introduction – Real Boys, William Pollack, Ph.D
What of our boys? Statistics seem to say that boys raised by single mothers are destined to fail. If you are a single mother with sons, this is a frightening thought. What can you do, as a single mother to ensure the success of your son(s)?
1. Raise your son.
It has been said that mothers love their sons, but raise their daughters while fathers love their daughters and raise their sons. In a two parent household the statement implies a certain balanced approach in child rearing. However, in a single parent household balance is lost as this approach only gets the job halfway done. So mothers, I urge you - RAISE YOUR SONS. Boys require a certain firmness and strength of discipline that mothers are sometimes hesitant to give. Again I urge you - DON’T HESITATE. Sometimes you will have to “bring the thunder”. Just remember, it truly is for your sons good.
2. Love your son unconditionally.
Boys require a great deal of love and support from their mothers. The nurturing provided by a mother is invaluable to the overall health and development of your sons sense of identity and self concept. Don’t ever use your single mom status withhold love and affection because you think it might make him soft. Love him with your whole heart the whole time.
3. Understand and accept that boys are different from girls.
Just as any parent with more than one child can attest to the fact that every child is different, parents with children of both genders can confirm that boys and girls are very different. Learn all that you can about what makes boys tick, how their brain works and how they process emotion. The resource section of this site will provide you with some great resources for understanding boys.
4. Protect them from and educate them about negative stereotypes and influences.
The portrayal of the Hollywood Man/Husband/Father has undergone a drastic transformation over the last 20 – 30 years. Images of honorable, hardworking family centered men such as James Evans (Good Times), Charles Ingalls (Little House on the Prairie) have been replaced by pathetic caricatures like Al Bundy and Homer Simpson. Don’t allow your son to believe that these characters are honest portrayals of what a man should be or how men should treat their families. Educate them about the proper role a man should play in his family and in society.
5. Surround your son with positive adult male role models so he can see positive men living positive lives and doing positive things.
It can’t be stressed enough - single mothers find a mentor for your sons! Positive role models can be found in the usual places – family, friends, coaches, church, agencies, neighbors, etc… but they can also be found in unlikely places – history books, museums, biographies, some television and movies. Surround your son with positive images of men so that he begins feeling and acting more positively.
6. Teach your son what you know as a woman.
This is one of the greatest gifts you can share with your son. Teach him how to treat a woman by ensuring that he treats you with respect at all times. Talk to him often about appropriate behavior and a positive attitude towards women. Be an example for him for how a woman should behave and act and show respect for him as well.
7. Instill him with positive character traits.
Teach your son to be honest, to keep commitments, to be responsible, to know when and how to lead and whom to follow, to admit mistakes and to be accountable. Teach him independence. Instill in him all of the positive character traits a man should have in order to live a successful, productive and healthy adult life.
8. Avoid common “single mother pitfalls”.
Don’t be so over protective that you crush his spirit, but don’t be so overly permissive that you fail to establish appropriate boundaries. Don’t let the fact that you are no longer with his father make you feel so guilty that you are no longer being the best mother that you can. IMPORTANT - don’t withhold your affection from him under the guise of making him tough.
9. Build a positive strong relationship with your son that is filled with mutual love, acceptance, and support
