Many single moms become so competent that it is hard for them to relinquish power when they meet a mate. This can prove difficult for a new man coming into the relationship. He may feel emasculated when he attempts to do something to help out and she brashly grabs the reigns to take over. These single moms have learned how to be mother and father, and have trouble letting let go of the “father role” when a new man comes into the picture.
I remember one of my candidates as a VIP Matchmaker with Perfect Search named, Cynthia, struggled with this issue when she met her new boyfriend after a twelve-year marriage. She had been married to a man ten years her junior and they had three kids together. You might as well have said they had four kids because her husband had fallen into the role of being one of the kids and not a contributing partner. Cynthia had a high-powered job at a big firm, and was the primary breadwinner, while Jimmy, her husband, was a struggling entrepreneur. His business didn’t add anything positive to the family cash flow, rather it was a continuous drain, bleeding a little bit out of their bank account every month. The more Jimmy acted like a child, the more Cynthia treated him like one. He bought things behind her back, made poor business decisions, and often slept overnight at his work. Cynthia had to run the show in their marriage, or the show wouldn’t happen. Jimmy had become lazy and complacent and Cynthia lost all respect for him. Unintentionally their marriage had spiraled into a viscous cycle of Cynthia emasculating Jimmy, and Jimmy perpetuating his own feelings of inadequacy with his childish behavior. Eventually Jimmy strayed in pursuit of another woman who validated him as worthy man. Although his new relationship didn’t last, Jimmy and Cynthia never reconciled.
It took Cynthia two years to get back on her feet in the romance department and begin dating again. She had become used to having the ultimate power and control over the house, kids and finances, and couldn’t imagine sharing that power. But slowly over the two years after her split from Jimmy, she was ready to have a man in her life again. One random night when she was out with a girl friend she met Peter and fell head over heels for him. He seemed like a perfect match for her and the connection between them was strong. Both knew it was becoming a real relationship after the fourth date and they started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend.
For the first time in her life, Cynthia was dating as an older woman, and was immersed in the choppy waters of the Power Shift. She was a successful woman, smarter than most, and as competent as any man, but she somehow had to make her new guy feel like Super Man with out dumbing herself down. It could have been a precarious trail for those less adept at the Power Shift, but luckily Cynthia had been reading my blogs, and was determined not to make the mistakes so many women in their mid-forties make. She didn’t want to let this great guy slip away.
When planning a vacation, for example, Cynthia let Peter decide where they would go, when, and how they were going to get there. Of course she gave input, but she relinquished the power for once, and admitted to me that it was actually refreshing not being in charge. She didn’t have to lead the flock like she did in her marriage with Jimmy; she could be a lamb and just follow. It certainly wasn’t her typical personality, but she thought, ‘why don’t I just try something different this time.’ What she was doing before didn’t work.
Peter was different than Jimmy. She trusted Peter to take the lead because he was equipped to make competent decisions. When hooking up with a man as a partner in life, you are in a sense, hitching your trailer to his. You have to trust that he will not run you both off the road. No matter how sexually attracted you are to a man, once you have children and are looking to share a family with someone, you have to be sure that you have attached yourself to a capable man. He has to have the capacity to run the show when needed, and make keen decisions to better the family.
In the case of Cynthia and Peter, Cynthia was finally able to relax and “exhale”. Someone had come into her life to help carry the burden and she made adjustments in her patterns to allow this to happen. There were many occasions as their relationship progressed, where Cynthia had to stop herself from correcting Peter, or jumping in and doing something her way. There were many times when she would have done something different than he, but they had a healthy enough relationship that when the success of a certain decision was under question, they could discuss it and make mid course corrections — together.
Cynthia’s love story was a success, but Single Mom Syndrome can expose itself in a variety of ways and my candidate, Toni, illustrates an example of a woman who shifted the responsibility of her children over to her new guy too soon. Toni was so desperate to find a father figure for her children that she demanded her new boyfriend fill this role immediately. Toni was miffed when her new boyfriend didn’t want to take the responsibility of picking her daughter up from school every day on his way home from work. Toni thought he should prove his devotion and commitment to her by jumping into the paternal role even though they had only been dating a few months. I caution women of this. If a guy is a really great catch, the kind I coach all my candidates and readers to seek, then he is going to have options. A man with options will flee fast if he thinks you have too much baggage to handle. No doubt, single moms are a package deal, and their children should always come first, however single moms must also remember that the kids are theirkids, not their new boyfriend’s kids. If Toni wanted her boyfriend to step into the role of being the ‘man of the house’, then she needed to make her life as attractive as possible. Sure, he will eventually realize the huge responsibility of taking on a woman with kids, but at the early stages of the relationship it should be as effortless as possible for him. This is a shift in thinking for most women, but a single mom is considered by many men to be a liability and moms trying to date need to navigate the Power Shift carefully.
Another example of a single mom who tried to shift the responsibility of her children over to her new guy too soon was Lindsey. Lindsey and Allen were crazy about each other but Allen lived in Washington State and Lindsey lived in California. When Allen offered to buy Lindsey an airline ticket to see him, she announced that she would only go if they were in a committed relationship. Lindsey explained to him that she wasn’t going to put the effort into securing babysitters for her trip and rearranging her life, unless Allen was seriously ready to commit to her.
Hmm…Well, being a single mom in the past, I certainly understand how she felt. It is extremely hard rearranging hectic lives with kids and trying to date with kids is not always a picnic at the beach. However, Lindsey should not have put the pressure of childcare on her new guy so soon. It would have been in her best interest to come off breezy and light, rather than burdensome and baggage-ridden. At the early stage in dating Allen didn’t need to know how much trouble Lindsey’s kids were. Instead, Lindsey should have been focusing Allen’s attention on her and how wonderful she was and how compatible she and Allen were together.
In my opinion, Lindsey not only made the error of exposing her lack of freedom to her new man, but she also gave him an ultimatum, essentially saying, make a commitment to me or else! True love develops at a slow burn for most men, and it is wise not to put undo pressure on a new man to make a commitment right away. Instead, Lindsey should have kept her cool and let Allen fall in love with her at a man’s pace. Pressuring him too soon killed the seedlings of their developing romance and Allen bailed.
When you are trying to catch a great match, you have to use your head and give up the old patterns of entitlement from your past. Ultimatums rarely work and quality men usually have options. Women with kids have baggage, but interesting people usually do. When you are carrying a lot of baggage it sure is easier when you have someone else around to give you a hand.
For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com
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