Having been a victim of abuse before, I understand what it means to be hit by the man you love. I understand the lies that victims of abuse tell themselves. I've run across many women who have been victims of abuse before, and I've also run across quite a few women who are still in abusive relationships. The truth is: GOD did not design a woman or man to be anyone's punching bag. If you are a victim of abuse, please read this list. If you know someone who is a victim of abuse, please share this list with them. Please know that abusers kills their victims over and over again in their minds before they get enough guts (or demons) to fully carry the act out.
Below are 25 tips for abuse victims:
1. It's not okay. You tell yourself again and again that it's okay, he didn't hit you that hard, or he attacked you because of something you did. Whatever lie you are telling yourself, you must first understand that GOD did not create you to be anyone's punching (or choking) bag. Once you start telling yourself the truth, it'll be easier to escape the situation.
2. It's not your fault. One of the skills abusers have is making their victims feel as if they're at fault. Abusers are very crafty, and are oftentimes professional victims, so it's easy for them to spin their own faults around and make them point at you. There is no justifiable reason for a person fighting you unless they are defending themselves against you.
3. Stop blaming others. Your family tries to intervene because they love you, but in your mind, they are “getting in your business.” So, what do you do? You distance yourself from your family and tell your abuser all about their intrusive ways because you think by showing your abuser that you'd turn your back on your family for them, they will see how much you love them and stop hitting you. You couldn't be further from the truth. Abusers often separate their victims from their family members so they can get absolute control over their victims.
4. Abusers like to separate their victims from their loved ones. They don't want anyone near you because they don't want you to be surrounded by people who love you. Abusers are usually VERY insecure about the people you're closest to, and will look for ways to separate you from those people. Abusers usually hate their victims' best friends. They want you to become dependent on them for love and everything else you need, so when they began to tear you down, there will be no one around to build you up again. Anytime you witness this behavior, get out of that relationship before it gets too dangerous.
5. It's going to happen again. Sure, he (or she) said they wouldn't hit you anymore. You looked into your abuser's sorrowful-looking, puppy-dog eyes, and you were sure you saw a spark of sincerity there. You listened as they berated themselves, and you almost felt sorry for them because they seemed to be just as unmerciful with themselves as they were with you, but know this: If you stay, it's going to happen again and again, and it's going to get worse.
6. Remember, abusers are oftentimes professional victims. Once you've heard them tell you all of the horrible things that's happened to them, starting with their childhood, you can't help but to feel sorry for them. You keep telling yourself that you will love them past their pain and be there for them because, according to them, no one else has ever stuck by their side. You remember the words you said to your abuser when the relationship was still new, and they'd told you about their heartbreaks. You'd told them you'd never leave them, and that everyone else who left them was stupid. What you didn't realize was that the abuser was laying out the foundation for the abuse they were going to take you through. They had to secure you with pity, create a soul tie with you, and lock themselves in with you one way or another. Once they felt secure enough to hit you, they did.
7. An abuser's gifts come from a dark place. Don't accept them. You open that sore (and blackened) eye as the front door swings open. With groans of pain, you sit up in the bed and see your abusive lover heading towards you with a bouquet of roses. Your heart dances, but you try not to show that you've forgiven them. After all, you hope the silent threat of losing you is enough to make them think twice before hitting you again...and you are wrong. An abuser doesn't pay for you to stay with them. To them, you are a piece of property that they are decorating, just the way they've decorated their residences. The more money they spend on you, the more dangerous they will become.
8. Apologies don't resurrect people, nor will an apology pay those mounting hospital bills that you've accrued because of your abusive lover. Sure, they said they were sorry, but they really aren't. They are simply doing what they believe to be necessary to keep you. They will hit you again and again, and follow up those beatings with apologies.
9. Abuse has absolutely NOTHING to do with love; it has EVERYTHING to do with power, control and insecurity. Those punches, kicks or attacks aren't from a jealous lover who is justified in hitting you. They are from a demonically infested individual who is hell-bent on controlling you.
10. The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the harder (and more dangerous) it is to leave it. Power is a drug, and it's more addictive than crack cocaine. There is a power that man cannot hold, and that is the power to control another human being. Once a person starts hitting you, they begin to feel empowered. The longer they have control over a person, the more they begin to depend on that person for the high (and arousal) they get from striking that person. After a while, it may seem as if they can't live without you, but the truth is, they can't bear the thought of living without the power they have over you. A man who has controlled his partner (girlfriend or wife) for a long time, is a man who'd kill that same woman if she dared to leave him. To an abuser, you are nothing more than a possession they feel entitled to. They depend on you in more ways than you know.
11. Abusers can show displays of affection. That's the confusing part. You watch this abusive character love on their children, protect their family members and shower you with affection (when they're not angry). But the minute you upset them, the beast shows its face, and it's pretty hard to separate the monster you see when they are enraged from the lover you see when they are on their best behavior. You must understand that they are human beings who are capable of loving others. This just makes them human, but it does not give them the right to abuse you.
12. Abusers often play on their victims' voids. Remember, an abuser is crafty and they are professional victims themselves; therefore, abusers tend to be very inquisitive. They want to know your history; especially, the history that involves you being a victim. They'll then step in and promise to protect you from the “monsters” who hurt you back then. If you had an abusive dad, for example, they'll confront him anytime he upsets you. Abusers love to get as much “dirt” on their victims as possible. They want to know your family secrets; those secrets you haven't told anyone. They say they want to know these things because they love you and think that a couple should be open with one another. That's not true. They are looking for voids, clues and things to use against you.
13. Most abusers are addicted to pornography, and are unrepentant perverts. Because of this, many abusers turn to sadistic sexual behaviors. Some of them can be mercilessly abusive sexually. Remember, to an abuser, you are not a person; you are a piece or property designed to please them.
14. Many abusers are pedophiles. It's all about power with an abusive character. Abusers are turned on by the pain they inflict on others. With children, they know they can find justifiable reasons to inflict that pain and get “turned on”. Please know that most pedophiles tend to pursue children of a certain age. For example, there are some pedophiles who pursue toddlers; whereas, others may pursue children in their early teens. Just because he (or she) hasn't abused your child yet (to your knowledge) doesn't mean it won't happen. Remember, you have to protect your children more than you protect yourself. You may be okay with getting abused, but don't make your children suffer through that.
15. Abusers don't always need a reason to strike. Oftentimes, they simply want to experience that adrenaline rush they get when they see you (their victim) in fear and in pain. Because of this, many abusers create problems just to engage against the person they say is the problem-starter.
16. Because many abusers are perverted, they often get aroused when they hit their victims. Some may try to “patch things up” and engage their victims in voluntary sex, some may rape their victims, and some may masturbate after they've unleashed a fury of blows on the person they claim to love. A person who is turned on by pain is devil-filled and sick! Please note that abusers often experience heightened orgasms during or after attacking their victims, and this is oftentimes the reason their attacks become more and more violent. Power is a really intoxicating drug, and many souls have breathed their last breaths because of their power-drunk lovers' desire to have an even more intense sexual experience.
17. Just because he (or she) hasn't punched you, doesn't mean that what you're experiencing is not abuse. For years, I told myself that being choked wasn't abuse because I wasn't being punched....during that time. Anytime a person commits violence against you, they are abusing you.
18. Just because you fight back doesn't mean that what you are experiencing isn't abuse. I used to fight back when my ex would attack me. I'd claw at him, kick him, punch him and yell obscenities at him. Because of my behavior back then, I didn't realize I was being abused. I thought we were just fighting. The day I realized I was a victim of abuse was the day I considered taking his life. It's not worth it. Get out.
19. You can't make them love you, so stop trying. You keep looking for hope in that relationship and every time you have a heart-to-heart conversation with your abuser, you think you've found a few reasons you should stay. Every time your abuser buys you a gift, you think they love you, and you just need to find ways not to upset them. You're wasting your time looking for love in hateful places.
20. You aren't dealing as much with a person as you are with a devil. Please understand that there are powers out there that we cannot see, and some of those powers are fallen angels. “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places” (Ephesians 6:12). Taking that man (or woman) to church won't get them delivered; it'll only upset their devils.
21. You have to get delivered; otherwise, you will continue to attract that spirit in different people. Have you ever notice that abuse victims tend to pick some of the worst relationship partners? That's because you aren't attracted as much to that person as you are to the spirit in that person. For some reason, you are attracted to that idolatrous, murderous and perverted spirit, and you need to find out why. Give yourself to GOD and stay away from relationships until GOD sends that husband or wife your way that HE'S hand-picked just for you.
22. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Sure, no sane person wants to be abused, and it's very embarrassing when you're enduring it. You don't want others judging you, and you fear their judgments more than you fear your abuser. But here's the truth: There are many people who are abused mentally, physically or verbally everyday, and they don't always tell anyone. Talking about your problematic relationship is the first step to getting out of it. At the same time, many people will label you as “stupid” or “spineless” for having been in an abusive relationship. I used to be one of those people until I sat on the other side of abuse. I couldn't understand how a woman could stay with a man who'd hit her. I often fantasized about fighting abusive men, and showing their abused wives how to treat them, but then, I ended up in the ring. And when I did, I told myself I was stupid. That was until I realized that many people who speak against victims of abuse have never been placed in those situations; therefore, they have NO clue what they'd do. In my experience, I would fight back, but there were times when I looked in my abuser's eyes, and I didn't see his soul. I could hear a voice ringing inside of me saying, “Be still. Stop fighting.” At that time, I would freeze and just stare at him. What I've come to realize is the LORD will minister to you in those situations sometimes, and if you don't listen to HIM, you may end up six feet under.
23. You can buy a man the world, but you can't buy him a heart. Many victims of abuse try to win their abusers' affections by showering them with gifts and kind words. These tactics don't work for you; they work against you. Such behavior tells the abuser that you like being abused and you intend to stay with them despite their angry outbursts. It helps them to feel as if they've done something good. After all, you are rewarding their behavior.
24. Sex only puts the problem to bed; it doesn't bury it. Abusers tend to use sex as a way to mend the soul they've just beaten. Victims tend to welcome this behavior because a victim wants the thick atmosphere to break. No one wants to live in a gloomy, miserable home, so it's easier to pacify the problems with sex than it is to stay mad at your lover. The truth is: Sex is just another extension of the abuse. Abusers are often “turned on” by watching others hurt, so when you sex an abuser after they've attacked you, you are helping them to link abuse with sex.
25. A person who loves you may disappoint you, but they won't intentionally hurt you. Don't confuse love with perversion. Abuse and obsession are forms of perversion. They are a man's (or woman's) attempt to play GOD in your life. If you allow them to have the role they want, you will receive two tickets to hell, and you will cash in one of them while living on earth.
Please know that you have to give yourself completely to GOD and just let HIM be your husband. Eventually, HE will send you the spouse HE has for you, but if you go out and choose another partner, you'll likely choose another abuser. You'll only choose a "type" of man that you're familiar with. You have to be healed, delivered and restored, and this process can take time.
What should you do if you are in an abusive relationship?
1. Seek help. Don't keep it a secret.
2. Talk about it with anyone who'll listen. The more you talk about it, the more you'll realize what position you are in, and the stronger you will become. Abusers know this, and this is why they often separate their victims from others. Don't be ashamed; be brazen and tell others what you are enduring.
3. Talk with your local churches. Oftentimes, local churches can give you more help than other agencies set up for abuse victims. Of course, you should speak with them all, but definitely, check with your local churches.
4. Consider your children. They deserve better, as do you. Your children are being just as (if not more) affected by your choice to stay in that abusive relationship than you are.
5. Don't leave in the middle of the night. Okay, so cable television has women trying to sneak out while their abusers lie asleep in the bed. That's dangerous and crazy...unless he (or she) is passed out drunk. The best time to leave is during the day when the abuser is at work.
6. Whenever you plan to leave, appear normal. Don't be distant and evasive. It'll only alert the abuser that a windstorm is going on in your head.
7. Get help leaving. Call the police department before you start packing. Sometimes, abusers can sense when their victims are thinking about leaving, and they'll leave work early (or quit) to come home and check on their prized possessions. Call the police, tell them what's been happening and ask them to send an officer out so you can get some of your belongings.
8. Leave some things behind. I know you've worked hard for what you have, but is it worth your life? Just take your clothes and your children's clothes and get out of there. Police officers are oftentimes impatient and will not stay with you for hours while you load a U-Haul. Just take as many clothes as you can gather in a fifteen-minute span and get out of there quickly. A lot of abuse victims died trying to recover furniture, dishes and tangible things they could have easily replaced.
9. Listen to the voice of the LORD when you are in the middle of being attacked. A lot of people will pridefully tell you what they'd do while in those situations, but all you have to do is stop by a prison and visit some of the women who's killed their abusive lovers. One of the testimonies you will commonly hear from them is about those times when they'd heard that voice that said “Be still. Don't move. He's going to kill you if you continue to fight.” Sadly enough, they didn't end those relationships fast enough and ended up killing their abusers.
10. Never...ever...ever...ever tell an abuser you are leaving them. I know you want to scare the daylights out of the guy (or girl) and see the look on his face when he realizes that you are leaving. But an abuser is an addict, and what you are saying is you are taking the power away from them that they are addicted to. This is the quickest and most effective way to catch a bullet. Be quiet. A woman (or man) who's truly ready to get out of an abusive relationship won't talk much because they know the problem can't be solved with words. People who often tell their abusive lovers that they intend to leave them are oftentimes not ready to leave, but are trying to scare their partners into peace talks. This ends up working against them, however, because to an abuser, power is like crack cocaine, and you're threatening to take away their drug after they feel they've paid for it. This becomes a hostage situation where the victim threatens to hold their love hostage if the abuser doesn't pay them the love ransom they require. Abusers don't make for good negotiators because they are addicts. An abuser would much rather see their victim dead than to give up the power they've become addicted to.