Siblings fight for many reasons- control over personal space and belongings, lack of social experience, need for attention, trying out new roles, boredom, and just for fun. If parents can begin to see these situations as learning opportunities for their children instead of punishable moments, parents will feel less stressed and they may even be able to prevent some of the quarrels.
Disagreements are normal and occur in all families. According to Christine Carter, Ph.D. at the Greater Good Science Center, the goal for parents is not to rescue their children when they are fighting, but to help them learn to resolve their differences. Parents can equip their children with the skills and attitudes needed for more peaceful relationships. Here are some suggestions:
Be an effective mediator: Saying something like, "Would you guys knock it off?" can be very ineffective when children are bickering. When kids fight, parents need to mediate their children's conflict until they learn to do this themselves.
- Have each child take a deep breath.
- Have each child describe the problem as they see it and communicate their understanding of how the other sibling sees it.
- Listen to each child's side without making judgments of who is right or wrong (see "Raising an emotionally intelligent child").
- Acknowledge your children's feelings toward each other, e.g. “You both sound really angry at each other.”
- Help each child express what they want and problem solve together.
Remain neutral. As tempting as it is to blame the older sibling, mediate calmly without assuming either is in the wrong. Teach your children how to acknowledge each other’s feelings and problem-solve, and try to let children work things out on their own if possible.
Avoid comparing children. Children who are compared will often feel resentful and angry both toward their sibling and the parent. Avoid using statements such as:
- “Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?"
Statements such as this can make children feel insecure. They might also feel that they have failed their parent. Tell your child directly what you want or expect without comparing.
Use positive reinforcement. Parents are role models for their children. If they want their children to be loving toward one another, then parents must praise that behavior when it happens, e.g. “That's great you guys worked as a team and picked up all the toys together.” When parents praise positive interactions, the likelihood of the behavior reoccurring is greater.
Treat kids fairly. When parents show similar levels of affection, praise, discipline and warmth for example—sibling relationships tend to be more positive. It doesn't really matter if parents think the ways that they treat their children is fair, it matters what their kids think and whether they agree with each other about it.
Provide opportunities for positive experiences. Most kids will argue when playing together at some point; the key is to make sure that the number of positive experiences outweighs the negative ones. Knowing this, try to limit the time the kids spend together when they are likely to fight, such as when they are tired.
Conflict, if not in excess, can be a good thing because children learn that they can solve problems in ways that make them feel competent and effective. Resolving conflict helps children increase their ability to cooperate, to empathize, and to build strong relationships.
Sara Shaw, M.S., MFT consults for the Family Service Agency and has a private practice in San Francisco.
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