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Should the U.S. Government Ban All Offensive Names? Let's Pick a Few!

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Today the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office ruled that the name Redskins is 'disparaging of Native Americans' and, therefore, should not be afforded trademark protection any longer. This seems like a free-speech appeal just waiting to happen but in the meantime we should take a look at all the major American sports (sorry, soccer/futbol is still not one of them) and pick a few other nicknames that should be banned or at least left unprotected with trademark rights because they could be offensive to some people in the country.

Major League Baseball

  1. Royals - this name could be offensive to all Americans given that we fought a Revolutionary War to become free of a country that believed in rule by 'royals.' Plus, to call one's self 'royal' is just uppity and condescending to all of us common people. And personally, I am still offended that a horrible call helped the Royals steal the 1985 World Series from my beloved St. Louis Cardinals.
  2. Braves and Indians - could be offensive to all the same people who are offended by Redskins.
  3. Yankees - could be offensive to Southerners, especially those who believe that the South will rise again!
  4. White Sox and Red Sox - could be offensive to nudists.
  5. A's aka Athletics - could be offensive to fat/out-of-shape people and also to dumb people who never made an 'A' in their lives.
  6. Twins - could be offensive to all single-birth people.
  7. Nationals - could be offensive to all illegal immigrants and those who are ashamed of their country - like Bowe Bergdahl.
  8. Angels and Padres - could be offensive to atheists.
  9. Brewers - could be offensive to non-drinkers.
  10. Dodgers - could/should be offensive to non-politicians (think about it...).
  11. Giants - could be offensive to little people.
  12. Mets - could be offensive to rural-area dwellers.
  13. Mariners - could be offensive to land-locked people.
  14. Cubs - could be offensive to people who like good baseball.

National Football League

  1. Texans - could be offensive to people from liberal states like California, New York and Illinois who are watching all their jobs and businesses move to Texas.
  2. Chiefs - could be offensive to all the same people who are offended by Redskins.
  3. Cowboys - could be offensive to all the same people who are offended by Redskins. C'mon, they are upset about Redskins but not a peep about their arch-enemy Cowboys - have these people ever heard of a kids' game called Cowboys and Indians???
  4. Giants - could be offensive to little people.
  5. Saints - could be offensive to atheists and non-Catholics.
  6. 49ers - could be offensive to people aged 50 and older.
  7. Patriots - could be offensive to would-be terrorists and probably to most liberals as well because it reminds them of the Patriot Act, which apparently severely hampered their abilities to use their library cards in peace. Quick tip - try e-books instead!

National Basketball Association

  1. Celtics - could be offensive to all non-Irish people.
  2. 76ers - could be offensive to people aged 77 and older.
  3. Wizards - could be offensive to all people without magical powers.
  4. Warriors - uh-oh, could be offensive to all the same people who are offended by Redskins. When is Harry Reid going to give a Senate floor speech about the Braves, Indians, Chiefs and Warriors?
  5. Suns - could be offensive to goth kids.
  6. Kings - once again, could be offensive to all Americans since we do not believe in royal families in this country.

So it is pretty clear that this decision by the Patent & Trademark office could set in motion a very long, divisive and costly slippery slope of people challenging names that they find offensive. As a Cardinals fan and a proud American, I will be petitioning the office to strike down the trademark for Royals shortly after I finish this article. But first I need to petition them to force the largest city in Missouri to change its name because 'Saint' Louis is offensive to me as a non-Catholic. Care to join me?

Rob Binsrick

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