When should someone start dating after a break up? And should they wait longer after a really bad break up? Should Sandra Bullock be dating Ryan Reynolds this soon? {See Carolyn’s quote in Life & Style on this topic.}
Certainly Sandra Bullock and others like Elin Woods, Tiger’s ex, have some things to think about after being married to, and trusting, their cheating men:
- Why didn’t I see it?
- What were the red flags I missed?
- Am I too nice and trusting?
- Did I give him too long a leash?
- What does all this say about my choice in men?
- Do I now have trust issues with all men? And should I?
- How do I process my anger and embarrassment?
- What would I do differently if I had it to do over?
These are all the issues that need to be evaluated and processed, and of course it’s best to do this with a therapist.
“Should I start dating or just work on myself?” is the question most recently divorced men and women ask themselves. Of course you need to work on yourself after a divorce instead of getting involved in a new relationship, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be dating. In fact, it can help if you go out and meet other men, as long as you promise yourself not to get involved.
Supposedly, Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are just friends and hanging out together consoling each other through their divorces. One of my Denver clients did the same thing with a friend after her divorce. They went for a weekly hike together and it provided her with a distraction as she was trying to get over her husband and his new girlfriend. I had to keep reminding her, as her therapist, not to just replace her husband with this man, since it’s an easy thing to do. I told her to look at him carefully, faults and all, before she decided to get into a romantic relationship with him. She’s glad she did, as she soon realized that he had a serious alcohol problem and was financially irresponsible. You could say that she used him or that they used each other, like Sandra and Ryan may be doing. We hear a lot about “interim relationships,” meaning that if you hook up with someone too soon, it will probably end because you’re not ready yet. And it’s true.
It’s dangerous to “fall” for someone immediately after a divorce, as you often have blinders on. He may look really good to you in comparison to your ex, but, trust me, he will have other issues you will have to deal with. Sandra Bullock needs to be sure she gets into her next relationship with her “eyes wide open,” and doesn’t just fall for the next man who comes along. So, if you’re recently divorced like Sandra, date for fun and be sure and work on yourself before you fall in love again.
See Carolyn's comments in the January 31, 2011 issue of Life & Style Weekly titled Sandra & Ryan: Over Already.
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