Let's talk about blow jobs for a minute, shall we?
Although I don't often offer straight-up sex advice here (if that's what you're after, I usually direct my readers to Dan Savage's Savage Love, Sex: How To Do Everything authors Em & Lo, or Nerve.com's Miss Information columnist Erin Bradley), I can say that the questions I get most often are indeed about going down on a guy: Most men I hear from love oral sex and want it more than they're getting it, and most women I hear from have mixed feelings about it, if not an outright sense of dread surrounding the act.
To all of them, my advice is the same: Pick up a copy of Violet Blue's book The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio: How to Go Down on a Man and Give Him Mind-Blowing Pleasure.
The book is now in its 2nd edition, with over 100,000 copies sold since it was first published in 2002, and the crisp new copy on my desk this week reminds me of just how well-worn my original copy of the book has gotten, and of how well it has served me in my own relationships. Oral sex is one of the most intimate acts a couple can share, and it's an art well worth learning.
In the eight years since The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio was first printed, Violet Blue has become a professional sex educator, Oprah's go-to girl for sex-positive perspectives on sex and sexuality, and -- ahem -- my own pick for Sex Writer of the Year in the 2009 Sexaminer Awards. Blue brings an interesting perspective to the topic, admitting that her own first experiences with fellatio were difficult, confusing, and embarrassing, before bringing her readers along the same journey she took to get to her more recent conclusion:
"The primary sensory information of taking in the essence, taste, smell, and outrageously sexy up-closevisuals of my lover is a powerful aphrodisiac that influences me physically, mentally, emotionally, and on levels I believe I simply cannot detect. And it's an undeniable fact that my mouth is a sex organ. The moment I've got my lover in my mouth, the heat of desire, passion, and lust in focus, right in front of me, ties my arousal directly to him."
That sentiment may come as something of a surprise to some of my readers, given some of the recent emails I've received on the topic, but it's entirely true: Fellatio can be great fun for the giver as well as for the receiver. In Violet Blue's book, going down on a lover is presented as an empowering act. It's not necessarily a submissive act, as it's often portrayed (though Blue's not too judgy about that either, and there are sections on BDSM play if that's your thing).
Blue takes the subject of male sexual pleasure seriously, steering clear of common stereotypes and the all-too-common tendency to present it as something to be ashamed of. Her book is not written from an exclusively heterosexual perspective either: Guys and bis, this one's for you too, and Blue has even gone out of her way to include her lesbian audience, reminding her readers that fellatio can be plenty pleasurable with a strap-on-wearing partner.
Without getting too graphic about it here (Blue's writing, and the accompanying illustrations will have you covered in that department), I'll say that Blue gives a wonderful lay-of-the-land view of male anatomy involved, including the anus and prostate ("the starlet gland of the male body"), the male sexual response cycle, and the ins-and-outs of male ejaculation.
Early on (Chapter 3: For Him), Blue directly addresses the receiving partner, making clear that this book isn't just for the giver: It takes two to tango, after all, and it's the responsibility of all parties involved to make sure it's a party. Blue also addresses male body issues ("Take my word for it--our collective discomfort with our genitals is not limited by gender"), discusses the issue of taste and other sensory overload (steer clear of vitamins, asparagus, beets, coffee, cigarettes, and garlic if your partner prefers a more "neutral" taste). There are sections on erectile difficulties, masturbation, health considerations including oral sex risk of sexually transmitted diseases, and safer sex practices including the use of condoms, dental dams, and finger cots.
There are sections on manscaping, sexual positions ideal for oral sex, fellation for injured or disable people, even tips for keeping your lipstick looking good. Chapter 9: Deep Throat has nothing at all to do with the Watergate scandal, but does offer the best rundown of the logistics of this increasingly popular act I've ever encountered, including a useful illustration of the anatomy of the mouth and throat and tips for avoiding gagging. And Blue moves on to advanced techniques involving all aspects of the male anatomy at once, in concert with an array of sex toys to make the most of a man's erotic pressure points, cheerfully noting,
"Nothing is more fun than having choices and possibilities--and fellatio is amazingly adaptable to environment, preference, and personal style."
For good measure, and for a bit of inspiration, Blue has also included erotic stories by Alison Tyler throughout the book.
For a look at some of Violet Blue's other sex guides and other books, check out the slideshow above in the left-hand column. For more from Violet Blue, check out her NSFW blog TinyNibbles.com and her tech blog at TechYum.com.
Don't miss Sarah Estrella's other Sexy Books reviews and reporting! For the latest Sex & Relationships headlines please subscribe to this column (above) and follow @Sexaminer on Twitter.
Comments